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Substance Abuse
Son is back. Now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654264" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I do believe it. My son said it and did it. Not all older adopted kids attach. It is much more complicated than infant adoption. Infant adoptees think about it too. It's only natural. But older adoptees have spent too many years, usually their formative ones, without us. And by the time they meet us, we are strangers to them. We try to be nice to them and some of them can't handle that. Also, some have expressed in our adoption group that it feels strange to call their parents "mom" and "dad" when they feel like their real mom is not there...that they wonder why their "real" mom (their words) gave them up.</p><p></p><p>Put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you be curious too? If you had been mistreated and then dumped on somebody's doorstep at age six or so would you also not think, "Why did you wait so long to get me?</p><p> Other adoptees in our group mention the subsidies some people get for them and others take the other take and say, "Yeah, you had money so you bought me." One kid recently brought up Brad and Angelina and mocked, "It's very cool and a status symbol to have one of us. F**** that." He has been here about two years with his sister from Ethiopia. </p><p></p><p>While they say their feelings, facilitated by a social worker, the parents cry. </p><p></p><p>Some kids just shrug or pop bubble gum or won't talk at all or say "I don't know."</p><p></p><p>Many say they will find their "real" family when they are older. </p><p></p><p>The facti is, just because we love them the same as if we had given birth to them, and we waited with their picture in our hands and cried during delays and unforseen stalls, they saw it from a different point of view. Whether it is international adoption or local adoption, an older child has already had a tramatic past. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is actually like PTSD. At least, I read one book that said it is. </p><p></p><p>Not every child does not bound. But it sure is a large percentage of older adoptees who have extra steroid-type problems. I mean, I am 100% sure that, even with being adopted, Princess, Sonic and Jumper love me with all their hearts. They may have questions that bio. kids don't, but that doesn't take away from the love. Goneboy could not love us. He told us that. I doubt he loves Ex either. Ex is under a lot of strict, rigid rules and time limits when they see one another. It is not like he can just drop by like a normal grandpa and see his son and kids. He can do that with Princess, who lives near him too, but he can't do that with Goneboy. Princess had a loving foster mom who carried her on her back and slept with her until she came to us. Big difference. As soon as Princess saw me, she gave me a big grin and cuddled into me as she was used to being loved. Goneboy was always very stiff and looked down a lot. He did not want us to help him tie his shoes or get him cereal or pick out his clothes. It was as if he were already a little man. None of my younger adopted kids resisted parenting, but he was always so old for his age.</p><p></p><p>Attachment disorder is a spectrum. There is extreme and mild. What they went through before us matters. </p><p></p><p>We lucked out with Sonic big time. He was two when we got him, but he had never lived with birthmother and was in only one very loving foster home before us so he was always attached. </p><p></p><p>It's what they are used to. And genetics.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654264, member: 1550"] I do believe it. My son said it and did it. Not all older adopted kids attach. It is much more complicated than infant adoption. Infant adoptees think about it too. It's only natural. But older adoptees have spent too many years, usually their formative ones, without us. And by the time they meet us, we are strangers to them. We try to be nice to them and some of them can't handle that. Also, some have expressed in our adoption group that it feels strange to call their parents "mom" and "dad" when they feel like their real mom is not there...that they wonder why their "real" mom (their words) gave them up. Put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you be curious too? If you had been mistreated and then dumped on somebody's doorstep at age six or so would you also not think, "Why did you wait so long to get me? Other adoptees in our group mention the subsidies some people get for them and others take the other take and say, "Yeah, you had money so you bought me." One kid recently brought up Brad and Angelina and mocked, "It's very cool and a status symbol to have one of us. F**** that." He has been here about two years with his sister from Ethiopia. While they say their feelings, facilitated by a social worker, the parents cry. Some kids just shrug or pop bubble gum or won't talk at all or say "I don't know." Many say they will find their "real" family when they are older. The facti is, just because we love them the same as if we had given birth to them, and we waited with their picture in our hands and cried during delays and unforseen stalls, they saw it from a different point of view. Whether it is international adoption or local adoption, an older child has already had a tramatic past. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is actually like PTSD. At least, I read one book that said it is. Not every child does not bound. But it sure is a large percentage of older adoptees who have extra steroid-type problems. I mean, I am 100% sure that, even with being adopted, Princess, Sonic and Jumper love me with all their hearts. They may have questions that bio. kids don't, but that doesn't take away from the love. Goneboy could not love us. He told us that. I doubt he loves Ex either. Ex is under a lot of strict, rigid rules and time limits when they see one another. It is not like he can just drop by like a normal grandpa and see his son and kids. He can do that with Princess, who lives near him too, but he can't do that with Goneboy. Princess had a loving foster mom who carried her on her back and slept with her until she came to us. Big difference. As soon as Princess saw me, she gave me a big grin and cuddled into me as she was used to being loved. Goneboy was always very stiff and looked down a lot. He did not want us to help him tie his shoes or get him cereal or pick out his clothes. It was as if he were already a little man. None of my younger adopted kids resisted parenting, but he was always so old for his age. Attachment disorder is a spectrum. There is extreme and mild. What they went through before us matters. We lucked out with Sonic big time. He was two when we got him, but he had never lived with birthmother and was in only one very loving foster home before us so he was always attached. It's what they are used to. And genetics. [/QUOTE]
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