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Substance Abuse
Son is back. Now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 654289" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have a different view. First, I have to state outright that I am a new member, and am really struggling with my own circumstances but let me put it out there anyway. Your situation in two ways resonates with me personally. First I adopted a 22 month old son from an orphanage who had been removed from his birth parents at 2 weeks due to risk. He was beginning to manifest autistic type behaviors at the point I met him. I believed love would heal all. It didn't. But we bonded strongly and immediately. The problems between us only manifested when he was a teen. While my son did not lose his national identity, he has very much struggled with anger, shame and confusion about his identity, with racial confusion, and with the sense of our difference, he and I.</p><p></p><p>OK. I had extreme alienation from my birth family. My father hated me, I did not see my Mother for over a decade in my thirties. My sister hates my guts. Attachment problems happen despite the biological differences and cultural displacement. But love happens, too. You folks know far better than do I how love becomes distorted in teens and the parents that love them. Is it indeed a different animal in our adopted kids?</p><p></p><p>I reiterate. Just because kids or adult kids say the do not love us...and believe they do not...does not make it so. I did not know how much I loved my Mother until she was dying.</p><p></p><p>Of course I am having to face the reality of genetic influences in my son, and you all know the self doubt and fear with which I face the future. I do ask myself if I made a mistake adopting a special needs child, and if I was a fool to have had such hope. </p><p></p><p>What I am saying is that my Mother had to deal with the same rejection as do we adoptive parents. I, who was genetically related to my family, dealt with the same sense of rejection and a sense of abandonment. Love is tough. The level of commitment and parenting I see from the people on this site is a sight to behold, and all of you challenge me in the best possible sense to be a better mother and a better person. Nothing is easy, for anybody. Not for us. Not for our kids. But you folks are teaching me the beauty in commitment.</p><p></p><p>I don't know. I hope I am not just in denial. The level of pain that people write in these entries is sometimes too much for me to bear. I hope that I am doing justice to the beauty of spirit and wisdom I encounter, as I learn. I so respect all of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 654289, member: 18958"] I have a different view. First, I have to state outright that I am a new member, and am really struggling with my own circumstances but let me put it out there anyway. Your situation in two ways resonates with me personally. First I adopted a 22 month old son from an orphanage who had been removed from his birth parents at 2 weeks due to risk. He was beginning to manifest autistic type behaviors at the point I met him. I believed love would heal all. It didn't. But we bonded strongly and immediately. The problems between us only manifested when he was a teen. While my son did not lose his national identity, he has very much struggled with anger, shame and confusion about his identity, with racial confusion, and with the sense of our difference, he and I. OK. I had extreme alienation from my birth family. My father hated me, I did not see my Mother for over a decade in my thirties. My sister hates my guts. Attachment problems happen despite the biological differences and cultural displacement. But love happens, too. You folks know far better than do I how love becomes distorted in teens and the parents that love them. Is it indeed a different animal in our adopted kids? I reiterate. Just because kids or adult kids say the do not love us...and believe they do not...does not make it so. I did not know how much I loved my Mother until she was dying. Of course I am having to face the reality of genetic influences in my son, and you all know the self doubt and fear with which I face the future. I do ask myself if I made a mistake adopting a special needs child, and if I was a fool to have had such hope. What I am saying is that my Mother had to deal with the same rejection as do we adoptive parents. I, who was genetically related to my family, dealt with the same sense of rejection and a sense of abandonment. Love is tough. The level of commitment and parenting I see from the people on this site is a sight to behold, and all of you challenge me in the best possible sense to be a better mother and a better person. Nothing is easy, for anybody. Not for us. Not for our kids. But you folks are teaching me the beauty in commitment. I don't know. I hope I am not just in denial. The level of pain that people write in these entries is sometimes too much for me to bear. I hope that I am doing justice to the beauty of spirit and wisdom I encounter, as I learn. I so respect all of you. [/QUOTE]
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