I am so tired
Kathy, welcome. I think your statement above is the mark of a chance for you to change. What you have been doing in the past with and for him has not worked. Being sick and tired----completely sick and tired---means you have an opening inside yourself to start learning a new way of thinking and acting.
Not feeling, necessarily. But of thinking....and then....of acting.
Notice we all say this, like Annie did. I remember crawling into Al-Anon. I was completely spent. All I could think about was the addict in my life. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep, I was obsessed with him. I was buying and reading books on addiction as fast as I could get them in the house. I was going to "master" this thing. I was going to "understand" it. That didn't work either.
What worked was starting to work on myself. I had to understand my part in all of this, and I had to start valuing myself as important.
Today, I live by the 51% rule. I am 1% more important than my son. So my thinking and my actions are more and more dominated by this thought: What is good for me, when it comes to my son?
That is a huge shift in thinking.
A lot of times, my feelings are not in sync with my thoughts and my actions. I feel sad, scared, hopeless, wanting so much for something good in his life, again focusing too much on him. Today, I recognize those feelings and I work hard not to act on those feelings. I feel them, I allow them to wash over me and through me, and I work hard not to act during that time.
I am relieved that he is not on the streets. I told him I am not coming to bail him out.
Yes, Kathy. in my humble opinion, being in jail is safer than being on the streets. You can relax a bit now. Lean into this. It's time for a focus on you.
How will you spend this time, Kathy, while he is in jail? Please start going to Al-Anon---go six times before you decide if it is right for you, look into NAMI in your community, buy some Al-Anon books, read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, start taking care of yourself with exercise, nutrition, meditation, doing kind things for yourself like taking a nap, getting some flowers for your kitchen table, having lunch with a friend. These are tools that you can start assembling in a toolbox, Kathy. If you use them and work hard, and have an open mind, and are truly sick and tired of where you have been and the things you have tried, you will start to find joy, peace, contentment and serenity in your life, and it will grow more and more, regardless of what your son decides to do.
It's time for YOU, Kathy. Claim this. Keep posting and share how you are doing. We care, and we get it. We know how hard it is, and all of the fits and starts we still go through. There is true compassion and acceptance here for you.