Son is now in prison

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    I haven't posted for awhile. My son was sent to prison in February. I have not been to visit him yet. I sent in the visitation form but have not received permission yet to visit. At least now a know he is not on the streets and has shelter and food. He calls me about 2 or 3 times a month. I have put money on his books but am confused on what is supplied to him and what h has to purchase in the canteen. If anyone has any info, please post.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That's going to depend on what state he is in. Is he in Oklahoma? It is likely that the Department of Corrections for that state will have a website that will give you the details you need. @Jabberwockey may be able to give better details, but I'm sure it varies from state to state.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Not knowing the rules of that particular state, here is a basic rundown. If he receives a state tip (monthly pay) that is designed, although usually poorly, to cover basic cosmetics as well as writing paper. Missouri gives offenders $7.50 per month, $8.50 if they have their high school diploma/HISET. On a weekly basis, offenders receive a bar of soap and a roll of toilet paper. Realistically, most of what the canteen sells is luxury items such as soda, candy bars, chips, snack cakes, and various other junk food. If you want him to have phone minutes, if they use the J-Pay system, then buy them yourself. Otherwise I can pretty much guarantee you he's buying mostly junk food and useless crap with the money you send.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I don't know any details but wanted to offer my support. Sorry you are going through this and I hope your son learns from this experience.
  6. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Jabber. I do use the jpay system for phone calls. You know how they tug at you heartstrings. Thanks for the info.
  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you RN. This forum is a great support system.
  8. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

  9. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Okie girl, my son may be going to prison as well but all that hasn't been determined. He is in custody for a probation violation and other charges are pending. It's hard to say but I hope he doesn't get out anytime soon. He needs to pay for his crimes. I also need a break from all his drama and always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Take some comfort knowing he has shelter, food and hopefully some positive programs he can participate if there are some available to him.
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know when my son was in jail & prison his basic needs were met. The supplied him with 3 meals and toiletries.
    The money we would put on his books was used for extra food items and stamps. He could also buy different toiletry type items.
    My son also had a "job" where he earned a little and I mean a little money but it helped him to buy some stuff.
    When I found out that my son was giving some of what he bought away I was not happy and told him I would not put money on his account if he was going to give stuff away.
    You can always contact the prison directly to find out exactly what they offer the inmates to purchase.
  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hi Okie,
    Just to add my support. I think your son is most likely doing alright, and does not need extra money. My son - 37 yrs - was in jail almost 6 months. I never sent him any money at all. He called around 2-3 times a month where I accepted the charge. I never visited him at all. I did write him periodically. But as Jabber said, I believed everything he basically needed was provided for him. He also did not ask me for anything, as I think he knew I would not send it. For the last 3 months, he had a 4 hr/day job, so he may have earned a little extra.

    Yes, they tug at the heartstrings. My son kept telling me how bad it was and how he had to get out, etc. and asked could I supervise release / and bail would be best, etc. etc. He told me he was surprised I would let him stay there. I told him I had reached a turning point ~ that I was done trying to fix and enable things ~ that it was a new beginning. And that it was a turning point for him too. He did not like it, but it forced him to have to bear the consequences of his choices. Take care, Okie.
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Okie girl, when Difficult Child was in jail the first two or three times, I sent books, wrote letters and cards, accepted phone call charges, visited and put money on his account for clothing and snacks and other things.

    As he continued to go back to jail (final count was I lost count!!! It was 8 or 9 times before he got scared straight, as he calls it) I slowly stopped doing all of it, over time, except write him very short postcards.

    when I found out that he was playing cards all day long and gambling the things I had been paying for (his canteen stuff), I stopped putting money on the account.

    Like most things with him, I learned over time what I was willing to do and what was really going on. I know being in jail must be really hard. I hate that my precious son put himself there for even one minute.

    But over time, I began to realize jail must simply not be that bad, because he kept going back there, over and over and over again. And I came to be relieved when he was in jail, because that meant he was "somewhere" in my mind, instead of sleeping outside on the street, which was very hard for me to live with. It was a relief when he was in jail.

    I think you have gotten good advice here. I would call the jail and ask the questions that you have. I found that the people here in Tennessee were nice when I called and they answered my questions.

    Hang in there. This too will pass. Your son is now somewhere with three hots and a cot, as they say. We're here for you.
  13. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Kalahou.....he was in jail for several months before going to prison. At that time, I blocked his calls. My son also tells me how bad it is. He is in a medium security prison here in Oklahoma. He has told me his cells has a life sentence for murder. I don't know if he is being truthful but I just take it for what it is. Sometimes I think he likes to worry me. I have dealt with this for around 40 years, first with his dad and now with son. I divorced his dad and he passed away in early 2000's. I now have a wonderful husband but he has been burned several times by my son and he doesn't want to have any contact with him. I do have a beautiful daughter that is a few years older than my son that is my rock.
  14. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Hello COM....thanks for your reply. I, too, have sent books, magazine subscriptions, written letters, put money on his account and accepted his calls. He has been in and out of jail so many times I have lost count too. He tells me how bad it is and tugs at my heartstrings. He says his shoes are falling apart and he needs money on his books to buy some. The list just goes on and on. But you are right, I know where he is he 3 hots and a cot. I believe God intervened because I. Think he would have died if he stayed on he streets, either drugs or violence. So I am thankful he is in prison and hope and pray he will get clean and take his life back. He has a son and daughter in college but will have a long road ahead of him to mend those fences. But it can be done
  15. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Hello son is taking some classes but does not get paid for anything. I hope I don't find out he is trading or doing something he shouldn't be doing with the money I put on his canteen account.
  16. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member son was on probation also but he didn't follow through with the court ordered classes he was supposed to participate in. Just can't understand why they can't follow through with police authority and why they think they are above the law!
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is just my mom observation on almost all "I'm going to do it my way" people.

    They tend not to respect authority and can't be told what to do, even by the police. It doesn't make them bad people, although their actions hurt us...we are not the purpose of their behavior.

    Okie, you have been a champion, bursting with love, for this child. You have done even more than most parents do. You are a hero. Maybe a tired hero, but a hero anyway.

    He is safe now. Please be kind to yourself. It's hard. I know. Me too. All of us. But you know that for now, your son is safe and able to utilize services to help himself.

    Hugs and love :). Prayers too.
  18. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Believe it or not, we LIKE it when family members call with questions. The more educated you are about what's going on, what's allowed, what's not allowed, etc... the easier it makes our jobs. The worst parents to deal with are the ones who still can't believe that their Little Johnny actually deserves to be in prison or believes his BS about how abusive all the staff are. Do some staff abuse their power? Certainly. Corrections is run by human beings and we are all flawed, some more than others. But most staff members truly want offenders to succeed and will give them help...WHEN NEEDED. That's the key. We all know how abusive our Difficult Child's can be when they don't get their way and a lot of Correctional employees become the surrogate parent figure for the Difficult Child's to abuse and vent about when we don't let them have their way. I've said before that I would estimate that at least 75% of the offenders in prison are Difficult Child's and that's a conservative estimate.

    Most offenders don't get paid beyond state tip which is for basic toiletries. Of those that do, they don't realistically make much. One of the best paying offender jobs in Missouri is working in the Handicap Center where they translate books into braille. In a good month when they are VERY busy, I've seen offenders make three to four hundred dollars in a month. Most who get paid are going to make less than $50 per month. The thing you need to remember is that ALL of their basic necessities are taken care of. And yes, a LOT of their canteen goes to pay gambling debts, to buy appliances from offenders who are about to release so they can get them relatively cheap, or to buy drugs.

    They are given state issue clothing, to include underwear, socks and shoes. Are they the most comfortable or stylish? Hell no, but they keep the feet dry and warm. When you call to talk to his caseworker, ask about how often they can exchange clothing because we work it here a lot like they do in the military. New shirts and pants are issued every six months or so, new shoes every year...if I remember correctly.
  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My son used to try and tell us how horrible the staff treated him. He told me once "they don't show me any respect". I'm glad I didn't have a mouthful of coffee because I would have spit it out! I told my son that respect is earned and if you want people to be nice to you, you need to be nice to them.
    Another time he told me that a guard punched him and gave him a black eye. Husband and I visited him the next day - no signs of a black eye. When I questioned him about it he lied and said "I was talking about someone else"
  20. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Jabber or the info. I did call the ca se worker and she said their basic needs are furnished. He called last week and told me that during the month of November. Inmates were allowed to have underwear. Undershirts, socks, 3 light yellow towels and one set of light yellow sheets sent to them. I ordered them off Amazon.