son is scared of me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by april1974, Jun 15, 2011.

  1. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    So last night I took ds teddy away from him(he was playing a game with it and was whipping it around and smashed him into the wooden hand rail) my ds LOVES LOVES LOVES his teddy and would be devestated if anything happened to him. I was surprised teddy didn't split open and lose his guts, so I called ds into the screened in deck to talk he didn't want to, finally he came sauntering in, I asked him why he didn't want to talk to me he stated " you scare me when you are angry" :sigh: The last week has been rough I will admit and ds E is very attuned to the atmosphere in the house, usually he's very attached to me, I feel I have damaged our relationship. I told him that no matter how upset I get I love him and the reason I put teddy up was I didn't want him to get broken, ds said "mudder you could just sew him up" he calls me mudder not sure why but he does. We snuggled and talked etc it just made me realize that they are little boys and I have to keep my temper under control, but some weeks are better than others and I'm human I get frustrated and mad, but the last thing I want is my son to be scared of me.

    the last thing I want is for E to be affected by whatever is going on with M but it is the pebble in the pond and he will be affected, I need him to have me as a safety net, both of them need to know home is their safe place, a place where they can be who they are and not be judged. So much growing for all of us.

    I'm very huggy and affectionate with my boys, I know one day they may not let me cuddle and give kisses so I do my best to lot's of that now while they'll let me. The rest of the evening went well, E made a tent in the living room and we played, M also had a tent but was relaxing watching tv and not as into it, then me & M snuggled on the couch and he went to bed. M goes to bed before E, E bugs him and M is usually tired long before E, so I let him go to bed earlier and E stays up later, it's become our new routine and M has realized that E isn't being rewarded or anything and M isn't in trouble it's just to allow him to get to sleep.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think you did a great job of handling ds fear of your temper.

    We're not perfect even though we're parents, even though we do our best we're going to lose it every now and again.......more so with a difficult child in the house.

    My Mom was what I call a screamer. She never asked you to do anything, it was always an order and almost always at the top of her lungs. It got so 1. we didn't like to be around her and 2. we stopped paying attention to her. Regardless of the fact she always followed through on punishments. Her screaming orders was the "norm"........sigh So it just got uglier and uglier when we stopped responding.

    With mine I vowed not to be a screamer. I mostly succeeded. I did give orders, but I would also ask them to do things. I tried to appreciate what they did do too. I didn't go overboard.....if they did something out of the ordinary to be nice I gave them a pat on the back sort of thing. I had good results.

    Not saying there weren't many days I wanted to rip my hair out. I just wouldn't open my mouth if I thought it would come out like what my Mom used to say. I did a lot of teeth clenching. lol And if I did lose it with them, I always took time later to explain why......and that grown ups can also get mad sometimes.

  3. keista

    keista New Member

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I remember the first time DD1 said that to me. My heart just about broke in two! While I had already known that I did need to exercise more patience, that was the catalyst for actually doing it.

    Yes, keep those hug and snuggle sessions up! My girls still allow it - girls generally do allow it longer, but I only get one hug a year form my son these days. :( Him being an Aspie has a lot to do with it, but I also think it's a boy thing.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member almost 27 and 25 year old boys still snuggle...lmao. Now the 30 year old has never been much of a huggy type but then he is my aspie lite so that is probably why. With my younger two, especially the youngest since he still lives in the area, if he is sick, he will come and get in my bed and wants me to take care of him...lmao.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Awwwwwwwwww LUCKY! The last time my son asked me to pick him up, he was 4, a big kid for his age and I was 7 mos pregnant. I physically couldn't do it. In hindsight he wasn't much for hugs or snuggles since. If I had known at the time that he was an Aspie, I would have put more of an effort into making snuggling a regular routine :( I've learned to be happy with whatever I can get from him.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I odn't think he is truly afraid of you, not in any long term sense. But it is a good warning to work on not losing your temper. I had a lot of trouble with my temper wehn the kids were younger. I always felt that it was important to teach my kids manners and to behave well because I was afraid that if they were really rude I would lose it and beat them. I insisted on a lot of manners rules that many people said were too strict simply because I was afraid I would abuse them if they were not what I felt was reasonably polite. Now this isn't to say they had to do the kinds of manners from Sound of Music or anything. I tended to emphasize manners of the kinds that were emphasized in Barney. But many people told me that expecting my 2yo to say please and thank you and may I please was way out of line and even that it was abusive to not give them a glass of water until they said please. I mostly ignored that.

    But I still had some problems with my temper. At some point I found a book called "Mom's Gonna Blow" and it helped me learn to identify the physical signs that I was getting angry before I lost my temper and exploded. It made a really big difference and I almost never raise my voice in anger any more. I am better at taking time outs.. The author was Julie Barnhill if you are interested in the book. It has a Christian leaning, but if you aren't christian you can ignore those parts and still find it helpful.
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    WTH kind of ppl you hanging around? My language delayed son had 4 words at 2 - cookie, milk, PLEASE and THANK YOU I'm glad you ignored it because I don't see that as out of line AT ALL
  8. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Thanks girls,

    I have a book called "Scream Free Parenting" and another called "when you're about to go off the deep end, don't take your kids with you" I know I'm a yeller and for a long time I did really good using my indoor voice, but with all the stress of M at school and the phone calls etc I can literally feel my blood boil and my nerves tingle, they say stress is hard on the heart and takes years off your life so if I make it to 60 I'll be doing good.

    My pms has passed and I feel calm again and back in control, my husband calls me jeckyl and hyde, I hate when I have bad pms, I need to put myself in time out and use my indoor voice.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    For some reason, your post just reminded me of chaste berry. It's an herb that regulates female hormones, and helps alleviate mood symptoms of pms. I discovered it before I got pregnant with DD1 - a major company was marketing it for mood pms symptoms. Of course by the time the pregnancy was over, they pulled it, but you can still find it as a regular supplement.

    Now that I think about it, I gotta go get me some.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Someone told me years ago... if you feel like shouting/screaming at your kids, try singing instead. You can go as loud as you want, and it doesn't get harsh, and you can get REALLY silly and add some humour to the situation as well. It also carries well... as in, you aren't mad but you just don't know where everybody is in the house and don't feel like hunting them down...

    All together now... "oh where, oh where has my fam-i-ly gone, oh where, oh where can they be?...."
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you cleared it up, and I'm glad he is verbal enough to have explained it to you.

    In regard to withholding the water ... omg, come ON!
    When husband and I were in Japan 25 yrs ago, we were sitting at an outdoor cafe, and witnessed a mom correcting her child's Japanese. We had no idea what she was saying, but we heard the preschooler say something and reach for her food. The mother pulled back the food, repeated a similar phrase, made the child repeat it (I'm assuming it was grammatically correct) and then allowed the child to take the item. We just started to laugh. Great parenting! That's how kids learn. No scene. Just example and reward.
    I wouldn't expect a 2-yr-old to complete a long, grammatically correct sentence, but please and thank you are fine.
  12. Adults are pretty big so it's scary when they yell. I remember feeling scared when I thought my parents were losing it. It wasn't so much the screaming, but the uncertainly of "if they've lost it enough to yell, what might they do to me next?" But we learn by example and I am sad to say that I, too, yell way too much.

    Yes, I did sometimes say, "I need to not be around people for a while. I'm going to go calm down" which of course only worked if husband was around to monitor the children. There is nothing wrong with a self-imposed time out. [I overheard my son once ask his father, "Can Mommy come out now?"]

    I know I used to scare my kids sometimes when they were younger. I hated myself if they looked scared. I finally asked them a few times, "What do you really think is going to happen? All is do is yell." [Once, I got the smart answer of "you might kill me" but I assured them them that if I were going to do that, I would have done it already, so they really didn't need to worry about that. Also that I've invested too much time and money into them to get rid of them, so they were stuck with me.] As they got older, they really did see that all I do is yell. I don't even throw things ... and I grew up with a lot of things flying through the air, and people being chased, trapped, and whacked. I explained all that to them.

    I really think the fear is the uncertainty of what could happen and after we talked through that a few times, they understood that yelling did not necessarily mean "completely out of control and I should fear for my life". That said, difficult child did have (still has a little) some sensory issues and loud noises (other than the ones he generated) bothered him a lot. That was one reason I'd try to walk away before yelling, too.

    Good luck. It's hard to break the yelling habit. You really might try talking to your child about what exactly he's afraid of. Putting it into words and then being reassured might help.