I feel alone and am seeking advice on how to deal with my son and my wife. First an impossibly succinct background of my family. My son is 20 years old and first ran away from home when he was 14. He was diagnosed as having an opposional defiant disorder and the reccomendation was to send him to a wilderness camp. He was smoking THC and drinking by then. We managed him at home the best we could during which time he has continued to drink, smoke, get in trouble and do poorly in school. Over the last 6 years all sorts of triangles have been set up between him, my wife and my daughter. My wife has been very supportive of my son trying to give him every chance to "see the light" and "grow out of it." I have complained but have accepted her desires. My daughter is about to enter graduate school and wants nothing to do with her brother anymore and does not want to come home when he is here. My son went to University of Alabama two years ago and within the first month was kicked out of the dorms for THC and a controlled substance (adderal). He went throught a year long drug treatment program which was court ordered. I suspected he was still drinking regularly and heavily. His grades were poor. He has recently finished his court ordered obligations. Two years have passed and he has earned enough credits to be a sophomore and has a 2.31 GPA. He was set up to continue at Alabama but fled there last month because, according to him he had gone to an "all black party" (he is white) with someone he met in his drug rehab and got in a fight. During that fight he reportedly called the person the "N" word. He says several people from the party tried to kill him and he will never go back to Tuscaloosa He also says he found out the school would be hair testing him and he has smoked THC and would not pass the test so he wants to go to a junior college near home. IT is very difficult for me to talk to him regardless how carefully I try to approach him. He is quick to anger and tends to turn discussions around to what a terrible father I am. Trying to talk to him about leaving Alabama and what his options were was no different. I told him he would have to work during the summer. I asked my wife not to give him any money. (she continued to give him a $100 a week) He basically was doing nothing and I started giving him work around the house for $10 and hour. His work was half hearted around here and he was obviously adding to the hours he did. IT was a constant stream of boys coming and going through the house and very late hours. He typically woke up at 11-1 in a very bad mood. I suspected he was drinking and smoking. Then last week during a typical day for him he got up around 1 and was getting ready to pressure wash. I saw him out the window on the side of the garage taking a hit on a bong. I immediately confronted him. I told him this was not appropriate and that when mom got home we needed to talk about it. He proceeded to escalate the encounter into an argument. Basically telling me he did not know what my problem was and he was going to smoke if he wanted to. It turned into the typical you are a worthless father. I told him to leave which he was more than happy to do. Sorry this is so long. In his room I found a paraphernalia used for snorting other drugs (?meth, oxycotin, cocaine?). There is a pen tube with a white powder in it and I found hose clamps which are used to cut down Oxycotin in to a powder. Later when asked about this he denies it all, saying it must have been one of his friends. I have told my wife I no longer want him at home if he is drinking and doing drugs. I also do not want to pay for more school under the circumstances. I feel that after two years of poor performance and a year of drug rehab that I am just throwing my money away if he is telling me to my face that he is going to smoke and drink. I have spent around $70,000 for the last two year of school. My wife had a trip planned with her sister and her family at Hilton Head. She has been talking to my son while he has been out of the house. She went ahead and took him with her on vacation despite my wishes. I have had it with the situation. My wife is a very kind hearted person that just can't "turn her back" on our son. AS far as I am concerned my son is a young adult and I cannot stop him from making the choices he makes. I am under no obligation to financially support his drug habit nor put up with his abuse in my house. I believe the best thing to do is not bargain with him, let him go live the life he wants and be there for him when hopefully he truly is ready to move forward with his life. My wife readily admits she has enabled the situation. She agrees that something needs to be done but she just won't stop. I am at the point that I am ready to move out and take my check book with me. I am not sure what else to do.