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son laying guilt - he's great at it!
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 679458" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>You are so right. After I read your comment, I went back and read our convo...it was totally circular. I didn't even realize it. I just hope that one time, what I say will 'stick'. Do you guys think they actually 'know' what we are saying is true? Are they playing dumb cuz they don't want to listen, make the effort of what we are saying? I would love to hear his and that homeowners' conversations..or to actually speak with the homeowner. Though, I would NEVER actually do that. I feel so naive! I am sure that my post show my naïveté. My husband always jokes that I was 'raised in the closet'. Walrus-</p><p>can you just add a little to the part about him wanting help with rent while he goes to (already paid for) college? I am feeling guilt over that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa, I just cannot conceive how ppl are so cunning, my own son, is so cunning. And cruel. I am so far from that. My mother put me through hell and back as a child-from 4 when she divorced father until I could move out at 17...yet, I never once, mentioned any of it to her. What good would that have done? She had her own bad childhood. Now that she's gone, I am recently going through some anger at her. In fact, the other day, I put her picture in a drawer, when it had been displayed in my bedroom. But, I never, ever even thought of being cruel to her for MY past. It's just so hard to wrap my head around, this ordeal with my son and how he is verbally, mentally abusive to me...his own mother. I put him FIRST in my life, even sometimes put him above my marriage with his stepfather, whom was also a great stepfather to him! Son never would accept him. Yet, he is SO quick to cry out that he never had a family, never felt supported, never felt comfortable in his own home. HE made that happen. HE created the tension between himself and us. Yes, Copa, we parented according to our own dysfunctional childhoods. I had little, to NO, attention..so I overreacted with son and gave him too much, perhaps.</p><p>Copa, can you just add a little to the part about him wanting help with rent while he goes to (already paid for) college? I am feeling guilt over that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Insane and Somewhere- I feel he's not fully vested yet, for college. He has an issue with the dean there, that he has not taken care of, now going on 2yrs. Until he goes in for a meeting to clear up the 'ban', he is not allowed back on campus. How will he go to college when he won't even take care of this? I gave up reminding him about it. I don't know if you missed this part, but his college is FULLY PAID FOR. I did that for him, with the state of FL's Prepaid College Plan. I made monthly payments for 4yrs, when he was much younger, into this college prepaid plan...and my husband-his stepdad whom he berates all the time, paid the remaining half of it for me, for SON, before we were married. So, yes, if/when he wants to 'go' to college, in a serious fashion, he has a <strong>full 4yr of tuition PAID</strong>. All he has to do? Maintain a part-time job, stay sober, keep renting room, and go to school! Yet, he seems to want EVERYTHING to be taken care of for him? Somewhere-I know he smokes weed, not sure about anything else, don't think so. I am almost certain, though that he's still drinking. He has periods every other week, where he tells me he's 'been sober for 7 days, 9 days, 5 days.....' but it ends, he doesn't keep it up. I have asked him numerous times, why he won't get a sponsor. Only God knows why he won't. His answer is 'I don't want to get a sponsor until I have some real time under my belt.' Ummm, isn't a sponsor FOR that reason? To help you get 'time' under your belt? My son thinks he knows it all.</p><p></p><p></p><p>He very well could've had a drink or 2 when he was conversing in this way. After all, the homeowner whom he was talking to prior...frequently offers son 'cocktails' and to sit down and chat. What the homeowner likely doesn't know, is that when son drinks, he becomes mean and reverts right back to his 'horrible past' mantra.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh yes, did we give him chances!! Many! He had so much time and opportunity to stay in our home, go to school, work a little PT job...we gave him his 1st car, and his 2nd car after he crashed that one. All we required was to be respected in the home, NO drugs in the home. Not much! He could not abide by that. His latest rant is to cite over and over how 'you guys kicked me out of the house for marijuana! which is not legal in many states!' That is his latest argument & where he berates us as horrid ppl/parents. He forgets <em>all the other things</em> that built up and were also involved in the decision to kick him out. Yes, I am his punching bag. The father, alcoholic, is off in Columbia, living in his brother's condo there. Care free. Leeching off family...he is useless to son. Always has been. Does son berate him like he berates us? No.way.</p><p></p><p>Your thoughts above mean so much. Thank you so much. I will look in to that book, on Amazon. #3 is nice, never think of doing things for myself. It's like, why? Do you think if I forced it, I would benefit, even if at the time, it doesn't feel like it will help?</p><p></p><p>I just had a thought of clarity. His cry out for help with rent so he can go to 'college' is causing me guilt. Here, I think, is why. <span style="color: #b35900">Maybe, to me, hearing him speak about such a wondrous thing to do for one's 'FUTURE'---->college!....is music to my ears. 'Oh! He wants to go to COLLEGE! Is this the thing that could SAVE him? College? And..what? You're denying him SUPPORT, HELP? But, what IF he starts college and he straightens his life out? What if COLLEGE can help him stay sober? What if COLLEGE is HIS life saver? But...wait? You, his mother, are denying him HELP for college?! How cruel. What kind of mother would DO this? So, now...he will NOT go to college....and thus, will keep drinking, keep losing jobs...all because YOU won't SUPPORT him in college. </span></p><p></p><p>Guys? Is that ^^^ not a sick way of thinking? Is there any reality to that ^^^? OR, is it me giving in to the guilt trip? When he speaks of college, that is good, right? Aggggh!!</p><p></p><p>I just feel so sad for him. #justsad</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 679458, member: 19966"] You are so right. After I read your comment, I went back and read our convo...it was totally circular. I didn't even realize it. I just hope that one time, what I say will 'stick'. Do you guys think they actually 'know' what we are saying is true? Are they playing dumb cuz they don't want to listen, make the effort of what we are saying? I would love to hear his and that homeowners' conversations..or to actually speak with the homeowner. Though, I would NEVER actually do that. I feel so naive! I am sure that my post show my naïveté. My husband always jokes that I was 'raised in the closet'. Walrus- can you just add a little to the part about him wanting help with rent while he goes to (already paid for) college? I am feeling guilt over that. Copa, I just cannot conceive how ppl are so cunning, my own son, is so cunning. And cruel. I am so far from that. My mother put me through hell and back as a child-from 4 when she divorced father until I could move out at 17...yet, I never once, mentioned any of it to her. What good would that have done? She had her own bad childhood. Now that she's gone, I am recently going through some anger at her. In fact, the other day, I put her picture in a drawer, when it had been displayed in my bedroom. But, I never, ever even thought of being cruel to her for MY past. It's just so hard to wrap my head around, this ordeal with my son and how he is verbally, mentally abusive to me...his own mother. I put him FIRST in my life, even sometimes put him above my marriage with his stepfather, whom was also a great stepfather to him! Son never would accept him. Yet, he is SO quick to cry out that he never had a family, never felt supported, never felt comfortable in his own home. HE made that happen. HE created the tension between himself and us. Yes, Copa, we parented according to our own dysfunctional childhoods. I had little, to NO, attention..so I overreacted with son and gave him too much, perhaps. Copa, can you just add a little to the part about him wanting help with rent while he goes to (already paid for) college? I am feeling guilt over that. Insane and Somewhere- I feel he's not fully vested yet, for college. He has an issue with the dean there, that he has not taken care of, now going on 2yrs. Until he goes in for a meeting to clear up the 'ban', he is not allowed back on campus. How will he go to college when he won't even take care of this? I gave up reminding him about it. I don't know if you missed this part, but his college is FULLY PAID FOR. I did that for him, with the state of FL's Prepaid College Plan. I made monthly payments for 4yrs, when he was much younger, into this college prepaid plan...and my husband-his stepdad whom he berates all the time, paid the remaining half of it for me, for SON, before we were married. So, yes, if/when he wants to 'go' to college, in a serious fashion, he has a [B]full 4yr of tuition PAID[/B]. All he has to do? Maintain a part-time job, stay sober, keep renting room, and go to school! Yet, he seems to want EVERYTHING to be taken care of for him? Somewhere-I know he smokes weed, not sure about anything else, don't think so. I am almost certain, though that he's still drinking. He has periods every other week, where he tells me he's 'been sober for 7 days, 9 days, 5 days.....' but it ends, he doesn't keep it up. I have asked him numerous times, why he won't get a sponsor. Only God knows why he won't. His answer is 'I don't want to get a sponsor until I have some real time under my belt.' Ummm, isn't a sponsor FOR that reason? To help you get 'time' under your belt? My son thinks he knows it all. He very well could've had a drink or 2 when he was conversing in this way. After all, the homeowner whom he was talking to prior...frequently offers son 'cocktails' and to sit down and chat. What the homeowner likely doesn't know, is that when son drinks, he becomes mean and reverts right back to his 'horrible past' mantra. Oh yes, did we give him chances!! Many! He had so much time and opportunity to stay in our home, go to school, work a little PT job...we gave him his 1st car, and his 2nd car after he crashed that one. All we required was to be respected in the home, NO drugs in the home. Not much! He could not abide by that. His latest rant is to cite over and over how 'you guys kicked me out of the house for marijuana! which is not legal in many states!' That is his latest argument & where he berates us as horrid ppl/parents. He forgets [I]all the other things[/I] that built up and were also involved in the decision to kick him out. Yes, I am his punching bag. The father, alcoholic, is off in Columbia, living in his brother's condo there. Care free. Leeching off family...he is useless to son. Always has been. Does son berate him like he berates us? No.way. Your thoughts above mean so much. Thank you so much. I will look in to that book, on Amazon. #3 is nice, never think of doing things for myself. It's like, why? Do you think if I forced it, I would benefit, even if at the time, it doesn't feel like it will help? I just had a thought of clarity. His cry out for help with rent so he can go to 'college' is causing me guilt. Here, I think, is why. [COLOR=#b35900]Maybe, to me, hearing him speak about such a wondrous thing to do for one's 'FUTURE'---->college!....is music to my ears. 'Oh! He wants to go to COLLEGE! Is this the thing that could SAVE him? College? And..what? You're denying him SUPPORT, HELP? But, what IF he starts college and he straightens his life out? What if COLLEGE can help him stay sober? What if COLLEGE is HIS life saver? But...wait? You, his mother, are denying him HELP for college?! How cruel. What kind of mother would DO this? So, now...he will NOT go to college....and thus, will keep drinking, keep losing jobs...all because YOU won't SUPPORT him in college. [/COLOR] Guys? Is that ^^^ not a sick way of thinking? Is there any reality to that ^^^? OR, is it me giving in to the guilt trip? When he speaks of college, that is good, right? Aggggh!! I just feel so sad for him. #justsad [/QUOTE]
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son laying guilt - he's great at it!
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