Son left sober living....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Aug 2, 2017.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I could feel it in my bones yesterday. I asked husband to call son yesterday to touch base since his visit 2 weeks ago and he had mentioned going to see a room for rent on Craigslist. He doesn't like roommates. Is sick of people telling him what to do.

    He has been in detox/rehab/sober living since March. Mostly good feedback from place he's at.

    We have had him in inpatient, outpatient you name it since the age of 15. He KNOWS all about addiction. He is well educated on this.

    Husband said no. You are not ready. Stay where you are. We will all work it out when the time is right. I spoke to Program Director and they had no knowledge of him wanting to leave and said they'd talk to him. I posted some about it on other thread.

    Last night at 9:30 pm we got a text from Program Director. He took all his stuff and left. Gulp. I called him and he said son could still come there for meetings and drug testing, to see docs etc.

    Difficult Child texted later that he got a room with a guy whose been sober 5 years. So maybe he did go see the room advertised? Not sure. Can't get too involved in this for my own health.

    Husband decided to sit back and wait. What could we do really??

    Got text from girlfriend at 10:15 that son was texting a girl she knows for weed. ;-(

    I am much calmer than normal even though I feel he is on a road to destruction once again.

    I emailed him today to tell him how much I love him and that I do not support his decision. He has to know that because I don't know what is going to happen. I told him that we want a better life for him but he has to want it for himself.

    He is texting me now pics of his room. I have minimal wifi at work so can't see. I cannot do this today.

    I see my therapist tonight. The timing couldn't be better.

    Prayers please.
     
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    We can want what we want all that we want. If they do not want it, there is little that we can do. I Know that this is a blow to your loving mother's heart. I also know that you will put boundaries in place brought on b this new development.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nob9dy has tried harder than you. Nobody.

    Clearly Son is now going his own way. If it wereme Id cut off all financial support. He is saying he is not going to do what you want...you do not need to pay his rent to help him get high. He is able bodied and can work. If he wont work, that is his choice.

    Prayers and love to you and yours. Stay calm. This is out of your control. In the end, addiction is always between the addicted person and his desire to stay clean. It has nothing to do with us. It is more powerful than we are. Obviously son does not want sobriety for himself like you want it for him and maybe its time to let go and give it to God?

    Be well.
     
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    SWOT

    We are not giving him any money. He is working. We had told him if he left sober living we would not help him.

    He sent me a video of his room and the house he is in. It's lovely. Sent to dad too. We are not responding. At least I know he has a bed for now.

    I will let my husband handle going forward. I think too much with my heart. He is stronger.

    His Program Director senses an internal struggle with him. He engaged fully; then he didn't. He felt he would get this. This guy has been sober 5.5 years and he said his mom was just like me. He said I have the best boundaries he has ever seen in his career. Two people have told me that. I don't get that at all. I see others with way stronger boundaries than me.....

    I am once again giving his journey to God. I cannot handle the stress of his life choices.
     
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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh RN, I am sorry to read about this development. He just isn't ready.

    I agree 100%. And I can't imagine more loving parental support than the messages you and hubs gave him yesterday. Yet another example of having no control, regardless of how perfectly we try to exercise it.

    Add me to the list, RN. You have been firm, yet loving and consistent. You and hubs will get through this, I know. I sure hope your son learns something from this one. Many hugs to you today...
     
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  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Praying for you. You are doing the right thing.

    Addiction is a chronic and relapsing disease.

    I hope you continue to maintain serenity and uphold your boundaries whether your son is clean, or not.

    So sorry.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thanks for everyone's support. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this forum.

    I can't imagine.
    :group-hug:
     
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  8. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I'm so sorry to read this today. I'm thinking about you and your son and hope this is just a different step for him and not a step back.
     
  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    sometimes things happen which set people off on a different path. While this may be a setback in your mind, perhaps he needs this at this time. You state his room is nice and he is with a guy who has been sober for 5 years. Perhaps this person is meant to be in his life right now as a teacher. I don't know, but I do know this is out of your hands and the universe puts things into play which we cant for the life of us understand at the time, but usually there is a lesson in it all for all of us. You have told him you love him, and that is all you can do. Please take care of yourself....letting hubs be the contact is good. Time will tell how this too shall unfold. Hugs!
     
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  10. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Your strength amazes me! As wiser said, maybe this is the best path for your Difficult Child for now. I will be praying for you and your family.
     
  11. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I dont understand why drug addicts think they can "just do" weed or alcohol. This sucks them back into it eventually. Hopefully he will give that up too. Its a roller coster ride. Stay off. Sending you hugs
     
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  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    More warm hugs from Virginia. Maybe the new roommate will be a great influence. We have such little control over the decisions our sons (and daughters) make.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry to hear this RN. It is impossible not to get so frustrated, disappointed and angry. Or what ever emotions this stirs up.
    I believe you said wash rinse and repeat.
    Hang in there and try to focus being good to yourself.
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm reading along too RN. Just wanted to say I'm sorry your heart is hurting, I know that hurt too. It is disappointing.

    You're very strong, resilient, excellent at boundaries and a loving Mom......hang in there, take care of yourself very well now....put yourself as the priority and nurture yourself.....go out with your husband, have a date......push yourself out the door to go have some fun.....you deserve it......don't allow your son's choices and behaviors to drag you around now.....

    Sending you a big hug......as you can see, you are not alone, you have an army of warrior parents here walking right next to you.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2017
  15. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    With you here, RN.
    Your son will find his way, whatever it may be.
    Stay the course. You are going to be alright !!
     
  16. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi RN. Hold strong, we are with you. I read a lot here but don't post much for myself because it at times seems so hopeless...I don't even want to go there. I admire your boundaries, I have better ones also, thanks to this site and counseling. Let hubby handle this...we are still at this point too. I have son blocked on my phone as I no longer can emotionally tolerate the requests and subsequent "hanging up". I think the most pain is that he is no longer welcome in our home so hubby just meets him for lunch occasionally. I'm actually so much more stable if I can just know he is alive but don't have to see him. ...and again, "who lives like thissss???" We do. Have a nice weekend, try to soldier on---for you. Prayers.
     
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  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You are all wonderful and I thank you for your support and messages.

    Ugh my stomach is doing jumping jacks today. Girlfriend FaceTimed with him last night and texted husband (after we were asleep thankfully) that he is definitely messed up.

    This morning by text son denies. Says he works all day. She's lying. (uh okay...).

    My husband said today that we are going to say goodbye to him until he starts drug testing to prove he's sober - like he claims. Prove it!

    We don't want to hear any bad news from him: I got a DUI, I need money, I got fired.

    We can't peel him off the road and set him upright again. We are so very tired of this.

    Don't contact us at all until you can prove you are sober like you claim.

    I feel better now. In God's hands. I have to do my job today.
     
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  18. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Are you sure his girlfriend isnt pulling your strings? If they fight she knows your buttons, and can get back at him thru you guys. ????
     
  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    No, but I actually wish that was the case - rather than him using that is.

    She does not use drugs or drink. She has type 1 diabetes and lost her mother last year to liver disease (from alcohol) and her dad when she was 12 to a cocaine overdose. She is very religious and the salt of the earth. She is probably the only positive thing in his life.
     
  20. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You know I'm so sorry.

    It's rough over here too. But am sticking to our boundaries, love my other children too much. It's a parents job to protect the innocent!

    We too are one day at a time and pray this place our son finds himself in is a learning place. I pray your son figures it out and grows too.

    Many hugs!
     
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