Son on the road, somewhere, cold, wet, skint, stuck.

dstc_99

Well-Known Member
I am glad you did what you did! It seems like a perfect compromise.

You maintained the status quo. You got him back somewhere you are semi comfortable with and he got out of a bad situtation.

IE: He is back where he started but you didn't kill yourself trying to get him to do something different that would make you more comfortable.

I think the only thing I would add is that next time you speak to him you could tell him that you wont be as willing to do it next time. He needs to make better decisions because you can't keep rescuing him at 27. Getting stuck in a foreign country is not cool. LOL

There is nothing wrong with protecting your child for your own sanity's sake. The problem would be if he abused that protection.
 

Brotherinlaw

New Member
How do you know he was in Edinburgh?

I'm close to screaming.

Texts from son. Left the squat over a week ago, texted he was hitch-hiking to Scotland, no money.
More texts from him today:

"Hey, homeless in Edinburgh, pretty hard, freezing cold, wrapped my feet in bits of an old scarf, trying to find food and somewhere to sleep each day, hoping to get energy to hitch back."

me "OK, take care, I'll put £20 in your bank account, you can get something hot to eat, keep me posted"

"thanks, love you, will use the money to get a bus back to England"

"Don't think £20 will get you that far"

"found a bus leaves tomorrow night, gets to Wales 5.45.a.m. gonna find somewhere to crash til then, met some anarchists, maybe can crash with someone rather than on the streets"

"then what? love you loads but bit worn out with all this"

"I'm not strong, this adventure has been harder than I can manage."

me "bloody bonkers. You chose this life and these adventures.I've accepted that. it causes me worry and sadness, but you're a grown man"

"love you loads too, I chose it, it's not always gonna be easy, i'm always going to want to talk to you when I'm down or when I'm happy. I'm pretty down now"

Do I send him enough money to get a bus to Wales now? Then what?
I'm worn out.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Oh Lucy, dont be hard on yourself. I do many things for my son and Im pretty sure many of the mom's here think I have lost my ever lovin mind. I mean for heaven's sake, we moved out of our home and into a rental place to leave our home to Billy and Cory! LOL. How crazy is that????? Unbelievably they are actually keeping up their agreement to pay us rent so its working out okay.

We figured if we couldnt get them to move away from home, we would.

I have also been known to cook extra for dinner and take it over. One day last week I made a special dish just for Cory and the baby to have for dinner. I had made it two days earlier for Tony and I and we loved it so I thought they would too.

I dont hate my son. I dont think any of us do. I dont like some of the things he does but I can tell him that without being mean.
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
Hi Janet
Thanks for your post. Yes, your actions certainly put mine into perspective.
I remember reading about your plans to move out and leave your home to Billy and Cory. It was an amazing plan! I'm so glad it's working out for you.
 

Stress Bunny

Active Member
Lucy, you're human like the rest of us. I have done things like that. In fact, we bailed our difficult child out of jail not long ago, and even though we made him pay us back immediately, we have vowed never to bail him out again. Helping is doing something another person cannot do for himself. If you are doing something for another person that he can do for himself, then you are enabling. I have come to understand this, and I would bet most of us enabled for a time before learning that enabling is not helping. In fact, it perpetuates the problem. So, if it works for you going forward, you can ask yourself the simple question of whether or not your difficult child has the ability to do whatever it might be for himself. If the answer is yes, then don't do it for him. In the case of our difficult child, getting into jail was his own doing, and spending time there if he couldn't post bail was a consequence he should have faced. We rescued him from that, placing the consequence upon ourselves instead of squarely where it belonged. We have learned our lesson, and honestly, it feels good to know that finally his problems are going to be his problems, not ours.
 

Echolette

Well-Known Member
Hey, homeless in Edinburgh, pretty hard, freezing cold, wrapped my feet in bits of an old scarf, trying to find food and somewhere to sleep each day, hoping to get energy to hitch back."
me "OK, take care, I'll put £20 in your bank account, you can get something hot to eat, keep me posted"
"thanks, love you, will use the money to get a bus back to England"
"Don't think £20 will get you that far"
"found a bus leaves tomorrow night, gets to Wales 5.45.a.m. gonna find somewhere to crash til then, met some anarchists, maybe can crash with someone rather than on the streets"

I have a question for you, Lucy....was he asking you for anything? You know him better than we do...but I don't see an ask in there, I only see a mother's anxiety and a quick leaping in to fix. I wonder if he wasn't just sharing the drama? the excitement of living on the edge?

Just a thought. Sometimes I think some one has dumped something on my plate when they have not. I wonder if that is what happened here...I mean, clearly he is happy to get the money...but maybe if you hadn't offered and had just had a "wow, what an adventure you are having" type response, you might have been left less exhausted. Or not!

Echo
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
Yes you are right. He wasn't asking me for anything. He was just letting me know that he was in a bad state. He always contacts me if he is particularly 'down'. He seems to need to share his suffering with me. If he had asked me outright for money then I would have been quite angry and would have been less likely to help out. He rarely asks me for anything these days, since I told him that I was 'detaching' from it all, but I found it practically impossible not to help. £20 is only about $14. It got him a basic bus ride to the nearest city. It was my choice to pick him up. I know it might have been better to not do anything and let him get himself out of the self-inflicted situation, but I think that would have led to a call from a hospital. H says this pattern of behaviour can't continue.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Lucy, not to backtrack on what you did, because you did what you thought was best for your son. We all do the best we can in making the decisions we make. But I think this is important:

One thing I have learned, and I sometimes have to slap myself to remember it, especially in the crisis of the moment (and this is what I think Echo is getting at), is this:

Has he asked me for anything? Did he ask me for help?

We almost "hear" them asking, even when they are not asking, and have not asked. We superimpose the "ask" over their very sad situation.

And they know this.

Witnessing this---being in the presence of this---even by phone, is almost intolerable for mothers. It hurts us so very badly, and in our hurt, we rush to do something, anything, to stop our own misery.

We take action because not to----to do nothing---is so very painful and sometimes absolutely drives us crazy.

That is why writing down what we want to do, and plan to do, is so valuable, before the situation occurs. And writing it down and even telling 100 people about it, does not mean we can't change our minds.

We are adults. It is always our prerogative to change our minds at any time.

We can still send the money. And that is okay. It's not a deal-breaker. There is virtually not one single action we can take with our difficult children that will be a deal breaker or not. Right? We know this, because we have taken a million actions already and nothing has helped or changed the situation.

NOT taking action won't either. Because all of this is...not...about...us.

Being with my sweet mother this weekend---we shared a hotel room---it was good for me in my never-ending quest to deal with myself in dealing with difficult child. I was reminded of our separateness. She is my mother and I love her. But she is not me, and I am not her. We are two separate, very different people. We have our own lives. Those lives intersect periodically. That's the way it's "supposed" to be.

When we have a difficult child, who never seems to grow up, and stand on his/her own, it's so hard to see our own separation from this person because they were once our child. We nurtured them.

But that time is over. That is the hard, hard lesson we must learn.

Right now, I feel very distanced from difficult child. I feel like there is a vast ocean between us. I can feel that pain, but it is not where I am staying---in that pain. That is how it should be and must be. He is almost 25 years old. If not now, then when?
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
We can still send the money. And that is okay. It's not a deal-breaker. There is virtually not one single action we can take with our difficult children that will be a deal breaker or not. Right? We know this, because we have taken a million actions already and nothing has helped or changed the situation.
NOT taking action won't either. Because all of this is...not...about...us.
Yes, whatever I do or don't do, won't make the slightest difference. I know.

But it makes a difference to us doesn't it, to how we deal with the pain and how we feel about ourselves.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Yes, Lucy, it does. I don't want to lose my humanity in all of this awfulness, and sometimes I have to challenge myself on the stands I take and the decisions I make.

Am I saying no out of the wrong motive? I have learned in Al-anon that my motives are important.

Am I just mad and so I'm saying no to be punitive?
Am I saying no because I don't need to do something for somebody that they can do for themselves?

Why am I saying yes? Who is it really for?

Time is the key. Taking time---having space---between the phone call and my response, between the ask for help and my response, between hearing the story and my response---that is the key to a reasoned response.

Having to make a quick decision is usually not good for me.
That's when I get all twisted up and I'm reacting, not responding.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Lucy, I have found and I've also read it here, that our difficult child's have a need to make us aware of their drama, their hurts, their downs.......however, I believe this is a learned behavioral pattern that comes about early and it is part of enabling. The behavior is that we are placed into a position where we are now aware of something that is "wrong" something that our difficult child's know hurts our mother's hearts.........they tell us, like a well oiled script and we respond in that well oiled script. We offer something to them, often money, to ease the tension we feel. It is almost a done deal. I learned in my own therapy to stop, to be silent, to wait, to get off the phone in the beginning................to not participate in the script. Just refraining is usually enough. Allow there to be a pause between the drama and how you respond.

I was told in my therapy to examine my motives as COM mentioned because when we are enabling we are doing it to LESSEN OUR OWN PAIN. That is the driving emotion. To stop OUR FEAR. To MAKE IT GO AWAY. In doing that we continue with our enabling and they continue dragging us in. When I stopped responding from that script, it was uncomfortable for me, but eventually, my difficult child stopped bringing her dramas to me. Being dragged into the dramas caused me great suffering and once I stopped the "automatic" giving, she stopped involving me. I had a lot of help to do that with private therapy and group therapy as well. It takes a village. Hang in there Lucy, this is really tough.
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
I was told in my therapy to examine my motives as COM mentioned because when we are enabling we are doing it to LESSEN OUR OWN PAIN. That is the driving emotion. To stop OUR FEAR. To MAKE IT GO AWAY. In doing that we continue with our enabling and they continue dragging us in.
Yes, I rescued him in order to lessen my own pain. I spoke to my brother about this. He says my son can take care of himself. The messages I get from my son often contradict this, but he wouldn't send those messages to anyone else, not his step-dad or uncle or step-brother. He drags me in to his pain and drama, whether intentional or not. I've never told him the effect this has on me. Maybe I should. And I definitely need to slow down, to make space between my initial thoughts and my actions. I'm an impulsive person in all areas of life, H says patience is not one of my virtues. These days of instant communication have made it more difficult to reflect before acting though in many ways. It would be better therapy for me if we had to return to the days of writing letters and sending them by pony express and then waiting a few weeks for a reply. It would remove my inclination for instant response and 'getting things done yesterday'.

(p.s. obviously I typed $14 instead of $34 by mistake, I know both our economies are in a bad way but it's not quite that crazy yet!)
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Lucy, I'm rather impulsive and patience is a lesson for me too, so I understand how you feel. It's been a challenge to step back and then step back once again, but it works. Once they recognize that we will not respond in the old ways, they set their sight somewhere else. I was surprised to learn that my daughter began calling her Dad, who she has an extremely limited connection with. Oddly, he didn't know the "script" so she had to start blatantly asking him for money. They adapt well to each individual case. But the 'hook' for you, as for many of us, is the perceived suffering we believe our difficult child's are going through and then we offer something so we can feel better. It is uncomfortable to stop, it's our "drug" and we have to stop taking it. The way to do that is to refrain from making any offers. I was also surprised how efficiently it worked too. Some kids here act out and start really blaming their parents and react badly. My daughter, perhaps being so much older, didn't do that, she just stopped and went elsewhere.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
There is another piece of this that is key and something it took me a long time to understand.

Feelings aren't facts. (Sit with this for a while and think about it.) As a creative person, I have been all about feelings all my life. I didn't like this idea at all at first, and I instantly dismissed it. I have done that over the years with multiple ideas in my recovery. I will instantly dismiss something I don't like or doesn't make sense or I can't imagine doing and later on, I will come back around and see the wisdom and truth and start working to see what there is for me here.

Unpacking this idea that feelings aren't facts, here is what I have learned about this idea over time: Our feelings are our feelings, and we need to recognize them, feel them, not try to change them, work through them. They are real. They are true. They are important. If we don't feel our feelings, and push them down and try to ignore them, we will build up anxiety and resentment and depression and anger and all kinds of emotions that will later hurt us and other people.

So we must own our feelings. That is a good thing.

Having said all of that, our feelings don't always tie to and reflect reality. We feel that our precious child needs us so we respond. Wait a minute. This is not a three-year-old child. This is a grown man or grown woman. They need us? They are an adult. What about that? What does that mean? Taking responsibility for ourselves. That is what an adult is. But they are sick, right? They can't do that. Well, they are, but they are still responsible for their actions....on and on with this, as you see....

So back to the feelings aren't facts. What to do? First and foremost, feel our feelings. Cry, deal with our anger, sit with it, write about it, talk to a friend about it, let it flow through us. Deal with it. Don't try to ignore it or argue it away. Our feelings are real.

But here is the rub: Don't act on feelings. Let them pass. Come back to center before acting. This takes time. Sometimes a half day or a day or a few days or a week. You are entitled to that time and you must create that time.

We have to find ways to create that time, space, distance. This takes an intentional act---not answering the phone, having a list of things we will say if/when we do answer the phone, using the list (I know that sounds remedial but this is tough stuff folks), limiting our time with difficult child, etc. We have to assert some control instead of just being at their beck and call.

When we are in the midst of "feeling" about our precious difficult children---this is where we don't know what to do with all of this, it hurts so badly and we are so scared and after all, this is OUR CHILD---that is when we act, and often, that is our mistake---for us and for them.

If we can gain some space and time and distance---we can break this cycle.

Why do we want to do this? First to help ourselves. What we are doing isn't working. We see that, we lament it, we anguish over it. NOTHING we have tried works. It's awful. So....we are now sick and tired, so sick and tired, and we are ready to try something new and different. This is something good to try. It's very hard. It's very very hard. And at first we might fumble the ball a lot trying to learn to do this, but over time, if we keep on, we will get better and better and better. And we will start to feel a lot better. That is a good thing.

And also---if we can break the "instant response" cycle, we can maybe help difficult child. Maybe. There is no guarantee. Some difficult children really respond to our detachment---this is part of detachment what we are talking about here---but some do not. My son has not. But I am still practicing this and working on it because it is a pathway to peace for me. And today, my peace and my serenity and my happiness are paramount to me. I am just as important as he is. I am. And I am working to claim that truth today.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Lucy, your son reminds me so much of mine. I think my son enjoys the adventure of putting himself out there with nothing and seeing what good forces in the universe will fall his way. It sounds crazy, especially to me, who has to plan for every contingency before stepping out to the grocery. And well planned or not, we've all gotten ourselves into situations that we shouldn't have. I would have done exactly what you did. But if I got another call from Edinburgh next month I would tell him how hard that must be and let some other part of the universe put it right for him again.
 

nlj

Well-Known Member
if I got another call from Edinburgh next month I would tell him how hard that must be and let some other part of the universe put it right for him again.

Yes.
Definitely.
Or any other place.

Don't act on feelings. Let them pass. Come back to center before acting. This takes time. Sometimes a half day or a day or a few days or a week. You are entitled to that time and you must create that time.

And by then he will have found his own solution.

I've just read a book (recommended by MWM) about homelessness. Any more book recommendations would be much appreciated.
 
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