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Son on the road, somewhere, cold, wet, skint, stuck.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 626595" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I really liked RE's post about "what you continue to allow will continue." That resonated with me with my teenage easy child's, my SO, and my difficult child...and probably how I treat them as well! My teenage boys will NEVER do the dishes as long as I continue to let them play on their computers (pretending to do homework) while I stoicly (is that a word?) do the dishes after a full day at work, walking the dogs, shopping for dinner on my way home, and making dinner. I pretend that they will see me modelling responsible behavior and magically pick up on it, magically stand up and do the dishes. Guess what...that ain't going to happen. I am allowing, and it will continue until I don't allow anymore. </p><p></p><p>My SO and I had a tumuluous beginning, and early on he cheated on me. I didn't find out for a year, but then I went CRAZY---he was the first person I loved and trusted in my life. We spent a year in therapy, both separately and together. I cried yelled struck him struck myself demanded details and went on and on. After a year he said...this has to stop. And you know what? He was right. I want to be clear...I would NOT have stopped on my own. But he was right. My behavior was nonproductive at that point. So I stopped. He allowed and I continued. When he didn't allow...I stopped.</p><p></p><p>It ain't just difficult child's who need lines drawn. </p><p></p><p>You are allowing him to contact you and tell you about his life. There is nothing inherently wrong with that.</p><p></p><p>You get upset when you hear about his life. That seems like a thing you might want to avoid (being in the position of getting upset). </p><p></p><p>You can accomplish this by (A) limiting contact or (B) learning how to disengage so you aren't upset.</p><p></p><p>Child allowed 10 minutes a week of contact, which worked for her.</p><p></p><p>I cut off all contact completely for 2 months, during which time I used this forum, radical acceptance, allowing, and mindful meditaiton to get stronger. Later, when I let difficult child back in my life again, it soon got to be too much and I found myself distressed and angry again. I had to cut back again. I am still working to find my boundaries.</p><p></p><p>If it were me (all the usual disclaimers) I would NOT send him money. That is an easy one to stop. Just tell yourself no, and remind yourself that all the time you've sent him money have changed nothing...he still is where he is, but he's smart enough to contact you to get a 20 to get through the night.</p><p></p><p>If it were me (all the usual disclaimers) and I were as upset as you are, I would tell him I love him, I am sure he will figure things out as he always has, but it is very hard for a mom to hear about her son being cold or scared or upset even if it is temporary, so for your own sanity, not because there is anything wrong with him, you are going to limit conversations to xxxxx (once a week? once day? check ins without details? whatever works for you).</p><p></p><p>Good luck. Holding you and your sorrows close in my heart today.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 626595, member: 17269"] I really liked RE's post about "what you continue to allow will continue." That resonated with me with my teenage easy child's, my SO, and my difficult child...and probably how I treat them as well! My teenage boys will NEVER do the dishes as long as I continue to let them play on their computers (pretending to do homework) while I stoicly (is that a word?) do the dishes after a full day at work, walking the dogs, shopping for dinner on my way home, and making dinner. I pretend that they will see me modelling responsible behavior and magically pick up on it, magically stand up and do the dishes. Guess what...that ain't going to happen. I am allowing, and it will continue until I don't allow anymore. My SO and I had a tumuluous beginning, and early on he cheated on me. I didn't find out for a year, but then I went CRAZY---he was the first person I loved and trusted in my life. We spent a year in therapy, both separately and together. I cried yelled struck him struck myself demanded details and went on and on. After a year he said...this has to stop. And you know what? He was right. I want to be clear...I would NOT have stopped on my own. But he was right. My behavior was nonproductive at that point. So I stopped. He allowed and I continued. When he didn't allow...I stopped. It ain't just difficult child's who need lines drawn. You are allowing him to contact you and tell you about his life. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. You get upset when you hear about his life. That seems like a thing you might want to avoid (being in the position of getting upset). You can accomplish this by (A) limiting contact or (B) learning how to disengage so you aren't upset. Child allowed 10 minutes a week of contact, which worked for her. I cut off all contact completely for 2 months, during which time I used this forum, radical acceptance, allowing, and mindful meditaiton to get stronger. Later, when I let difficult child back in my life again, it soon got to be too much and I found myself distressed and angry again. I had to cut back again. I am still working to find my boundaries. If it were me (all the usual disclaimers) I would NOT send him money. That is an easy one to stop. Just tell yourself no, and remind yourself that all the time you've sent him money have changed nothing...he still is where he is, but he's smart enough to contact you to get a 20 to get through the night. If it were me (all the usual disclaimers) and I were as upset as you are, I would tell him I love him, I am sure he will figure things out as he always has, but it is very hard for a mom to hear about her son being cold or scared or upset even if it is temporary, so for your own sanity, not because there is anything wrong with him, you are going to limit conversations to xxxxx (once a week? once day? check ins without details? whatever works for you). Good luck. Holding you and your sorrows close in my heart today. Echo [/QUOTE]
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