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Son on the road, somewhere, cold, wet, skint, stuck.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 626611" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Lucy, I am so sorry. As others have said, we ALL know exactly how you feel. I agree about limiting contact. I also agree about no more money. YOU decide exactly what it is that YOU want to do. And, while you're deciding, ask yourself what is it that you are willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT. That's the dicey part.</p><p></p><p>He is out there making these choices which you and me and most everyone else wouldn't think of making. That's fine.What is not fine is that he believes he can call you up and upset you with his tales of woe and then pause in the conversation which is your cue to rush in and say "well, I'll send you $40." I learned awhile ago when those pauses happen, that is written in the difficult child handbook, "pause after you tell Mom some God awful thing you're facing and once she gets the feel of how crummy it is for you, wait, just a moment, while she jumps in to save you with money, energy, ideas, whatever." When the pause happens, say, "oh, look at the time, I have to go, my yoga class is starting."</p><p></p><p>I went through all of this with my grown adult daughter and I kept changing the script to be what I WANTED. Now I hardly speak to her, there had to be so many boundaries around her behavior that there is little left now. I know how bad that sounds, but I just couldn't go on with it the way it was anymore. I wanted out of the drama. So I got out. </p><p></p><p>Ask yourself exactly what it is you would like. To talk to him once a week? Then do it. When you are on the phone, practice refraining, practice silence, practice not responding. Limit the time. Get off the phone. Do not give any money. Do not make any suggestions. A grown man doesn't have to check in with Mom when he is happy or when he is sad. My guess is there is an ulterior motive and that motive is what <strong><u>you</u></strong> do after the "pause."</p><p></p><p>You are in charge here Lucy, not him. Their lifestyles are treacherous mine fields which blow up all the time and for whatever reason, they like to drag us along for the ride. Don't go. That's your choice. Don't go.</p><p></p><p>Read the article on detachment or something by Pema Chodron, or Melody Beattie, or read the serenity prayer......whatever it takes to get you back in your center again........our difficult child's are masters at pulling us out of ourselves..........hang in there.........keep posting.............sending hugs..................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 626611, member: 13542"] Oh Lucy, I am so sorry. As others have said, we ALL know exactly how you feel. I agree about limiting contact. I also agree about no more money. YOU decide exactly what it is that YOU want to do. And, while you're deciding, ask yourself what is it that you are willing to do WITHOUT RESENTMENT. That's the dicey part. He is out there making these choices which you and me and most everyone else wouldn't think of making. That's fine.What is not fine is that he believes he can call you up and upset you with his tales of woe and then pause in the conversation which is your cue to rush in and say "well, I'll send you $40." I learned awhile ago when those pauses happen, that is written in the difficult child handbook, "pause after you tell Mom some God awful thing you're facing and once she gets the feel of how crummy it is for you, wait, just a moment, while she jumps in to save you with money, energy, ideas, whatever." When the pause happens, say, "oh, look at the time, I have to go, my yoga class is starting." I went through all of this with my grown adult daughter and I kept changing the script to be what I WANTED. Now I hardly speak to her, there had to be so many boundaries around her behavior that there is little left now. I know how bad that sounds, but I just couldn't go on with it the way it was anymore. I wanted out of the drama. So I got out. Ask yourself exactly what it is you would like. To talk to him once a week? Then do it. When you are on the phone, practice refraining, practice silence, practice not responding. Limit the time. Get off the phone. Do not give any money. Do not make any suggestions. A grown man doesn't have to check in with Mom when he is happy or when he is sad. My guess is there is an ulterior motive and that motive is what [B][U]you[/U][/B] do after the "pause." You are in charge here Lucy, not him. Their lifestyles are treacherous mine fields which blow up all the time and for whatever reason, they like to drag us along for the ride. Don't go. That's your choice. Don't go. Read the article on detachment or something by Pema Chodron, or Melody Beattie, or read the serenity prayer......whatever it takes to get you back in your center again........our difficult child's are masters at pulling us out of ourselves..........hang in there.........keep posting.............sending hugs.................. [/QUOTE]
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