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Substance Abuse
Son out of control. Wants to move in with deadbeat dad.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 723245" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am going to say this with love and respect for you and for your son. </p><p></p><p>Do not hit your son again. If he EVER is violent to you again, call the cops (911) or have your husband or other children do this if they are not in the room and can do it without being seen, and press charges against him for assault. The more often he gets away with hitting you, the more it will be okay with him. </p><p></p><p>If you hear him breaking your home, or he is destroying your property, press charges against him. Get the cops involved when he is violent. File a CHINS petition with the court. This is a Child In Need of Supervision. It gets a Probation Officer for him, someone to set rules and do drug tests and enforce limits other than you. It may or may not work. </p><p></p><p>You have VERY little time to fight for your son. Just 3 years left before he is an adult. You have to do what you can to show him you love him. Do what you think is in his best interest. Of course, if you think this is already beyond salvaging, then maybe it is time to let go and hope he one day will come back to you. </p><p></p><p>Don't hang on so hard, and so tight that you let him kill you. Sometimes kids really do get that violent with parents. Right now it sounds like he is deep into some kind of drug use. Synthetic marijuana is not a harmless substance. Have you ever drug tested him? The kind where someone actually watched him go rather than giving him privacy as he gave his sample? Many people who think their parents will drug test them will stash urine so that they can fool their parents. Yes, it is gross, but they do it all the time. Or they use apple juice or other things to fake it. </p><p></p><p>As it is, I would not give him anything. Keep everything with any financial information locked up. Especially your phones and tablets and computers. Keep all medications, no matter what kind, locked up. I hope you searched his room while he was gone. Don't give him money for anything. Don't pay a phone bill for him. Does he drive? Don't give him access to a car. Disable the car if he drives or has a habit of taking your car without permission. One member had her teenage son cut her money and her car keys out of the jeans she was wearing while she slept in them. The last money she had in the world. </p><p></p><p>Difficult kids only think about what they want. Difficult kids on drugs think about even less. The only thing in the world with any meaning to them is the drug. That is it. If there are other children in the house, you must weigh their safety and emotional health into this situation. They will be scarred by his actions. Take them out of the house and somewhere you can talk privately. Let them know that it is okay for siblings to cover for each other. Sometimes those secrets need to come out even if the sibling might get mad. Mom and Dad will protect them no matter what (and you will have to do that even if it means sending him away if you act on anything they tell you at any time). Let them know that this is for his safety and safety is the most important thing we can do for each other. Do what you can to get them to tell you whatever they know about what is going on with him.</p><p></p><p>Part of me wonders if there is gang or deeper drug involvement. If he is involved with a gang, you may not be able to safely have him in your home. Your home will be a target for every rival gang in the area. It will also be a target if he messes up within his own gang. His behavior makes me think drugs are more likely, but gangs and drugs often go hand in hand. </p><p></p><p>If he is already addicted, you can become very invested and involved in getting him into IOP and PHP and many other programs. You cannot make him get clean or stay clean or improve in any real way. Unless and until he is ready to get and stay clean, he won't. He just won't. What you can do is not enable him. Provide only the very basics. Food, but not food he likes. Shelter, but not the cushy room that he liked. Take out things he could hide drugs in, broken things, nice things, computer, tablet, etc.... He can use those at school or the library if he needs them. Don't give him a phone, don't pay for phone service. He will only use it to contact his dealer. Or to sell drugs to pay for his drugs. Don't EVER give him money or any kind of gift or gift card that could be sold for money. If he needs money for a school project, take it to the school yourself. Or most schools have a way to pay online. Tell him it is because you do not trust him. You don't, do you? Why sugarcoat it. </p><p></p><p>Get yourself to AlAnon or NarcAnon family meetings and consider seeing a private therapist with experience in treating family members of those with substance abuse issues. It is important to get support because this is a long, very hard ugly thing to go through. </p><p></p><p>I don't envy you these years. They were awful with my oldest son. I thought he would end up killing or maiming one of us and then end up in a prison cell or grave himself. He is now almost 27 and is a total delight. Where he once thought it was incredibly abusive of me to even say "Hi" to him, now he gives me hugs and stops to talk to me every time he sees me. So there is hope but it may be a long road.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 723245, member: 1233"] I am going to say this with love and respect for you and for your son. Do not hit your son again. If he EVER is violent to you again, call the cops (911) or have your husband or other children do this if they are not in the room and can do it without being seen, and press charges against him for assault. The more often he gets away with hitting you, the more it will be okay with him. If you hear him breaking your home, or he is destroying your property, press charges against him. Get the cops involved when he is violent. File a CHINS petition with the court. This is a Child In Need of Supervision. It gets a Probation Officer for him, someone to set rules and do drug tests and enforce limits other than you. It may or may not work. You have VERY little time to fight for your son. Just 3 years left before he is an adult. You have to do what you can to show him you love him. Do what you think is in his best interest. Of course, if you think this is already beyond salvaging, then maybe it is time to let go and hope he one day will come back to you. Don't hang on so hard, and so tight that you let him kill you. Sometimes kids really do get that violent with parents. Right now it sounds like he is deep into some kind of drug use. Synthetic marijuana is not a harmless substance. Have you ever drug tested him? The kind where someone actually watched him go rather than giving him privacy as he gave his sample? Many people who think their parents will drug test them will stash urine so that they can fool their parents. Yes, it is gross, but they do it all the time. Or they use apple juice or other things to fake it. As it is, I would not give him anything. Keep everything with any financial information locked up. Especially your phones and tablets and computers. Keep all medications, no matter what kind, locked up. I hope you searched his room while he was gone. Don't give him money for anything. Don't pay a phone bill for him. Does he drive? Don't give him access to a car. Disable the car if he drives or has a habit of taking your car without permission. One member had her teenage son cut her money and her car keys out of the jeans she was wearing while she slept in them. The last money she had in the world. Difficult kids only think about what they want. Difficult kids on drugs think about even less. The only thing in the world with any meaning to them is the drug. That is it. If there are other children in the house, you must weigh their safety and emotional health into this situation. They will be scarred by his actions. Take them out of the house and somewhere you can talk privately. Let them know that it is okay for siblings to cover for each other. Sometimes those secrets need to come out even if the sibling might get mad. Mom and Dad will protect them no matter what (and you will have to do that even if it means sending him away if you act on anything they tell you at any time). Let them know that this is for his safety and safety is the most important thing we can do for each other. Do what you can to get them to tell you whatever they know about what is going on with him. Part of me wonders if there is gang or deeper drug involvement. If he is involved with a gang, you may not be able to safely have him in your home. Your home will be a target for every rival gang in the area. It will also be a target if he messes up within his own gang. His behavior makes me think drugs are more likely, but gangs and drugs often go hand in hand. If he is already addicted, you can become very invested and involved in getting him into IOP and PHP and many other programs. You cannot make him get clean or stay clean or improve in any real way. Unless and until he is ready to get and stay clean, he won't. He just won't. What you can do is not enable him. Provide only the very basics. Food, but not food he likes. Shelter, but not the cushy room that he liked. Take out things he could hide drugs in, broken things, nice things, computer, tablet, etc.... He can use those at school or the library if he needs them. Don't give him a phone, don't pay for phone service. He will only use it to contact his dealer. Or to sell drugs to pay for his drugs. Don't EVER give him money or any kind of gift or gift card that could be sold for money. If he needs money for a school project, take it to the school yourself. Or most schools have a way to pay online. Tell him it is because you do not trust him. You don't, do you? Why sugarcoat it. Get yourself to AlAnon or NarcAnon family meetings and consider seeing a private therapist with experience in treating family members of those with substance abuse issues. It is important to get support because this is a long, very hard ugly thing to go through. I don't envy you these years. They were awful with my oldest son. I thought he would end up killing or maiming one of us and then end up in a prison cell or grave himself. He is now almost 27 and is a total delight. Where he once thought it was incredibly abusive of me to even say "Hi" to him, now he gives me hugs and stops to talk to me every time he sees me. So there is hope but it may be a long road. [/QUOTE]
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Son out of control. Wants to move in with deadbeat dad.
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