Son still locked up

[Helpless29]

Today was my sons court date, weeks before this , I tried to get him to talk to his dad to work things out but he refused, he denied his visit & wouldn’t call him. He still blames dad for being locked up & won’t own up to anything he’s done.I told him if he can’t work it out with his dad he wouldn’t get out , told him dad wasnt going to today’s court date , he got mad at said why I need to be released to him but I once again mentioned if you want nothing to do with your dad , how do you expect to go home with him , your just going to run away, he hung up on me & said I sound dumb.His next court date is in May , judge was also mad , he’s been refusing his new medication. After all this why do I still want him released ,my heart is heavy , I’m confused by what is wrong & what is right for my son. I wish I could just tell him to come back home with me but I can’t and I realize I can’t force him to talk to dad .

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Helpless

I'm in the same position as you. I cannot make my son do anything that helps himself or helps me. Any change that will come for either of our son's will come from their own learning. Right now the Court is acting as your son's guardian, in a sense. This is not so bad, because they will not play. If son does take his medications, there will be consequences. If he does not speak to his father to arrange a home, there will be consequences.
Your son right now is trying to do a magic trick, and blaming you when it fails. He knows that he cannot go home to you.

You have no control here. You have no power and no options. His Dad has made himself available. Son chooses not to work anything out He will stay in jail as long as he maintains this, most likely. What can you do?

Not a thing.

I would continue speaking with him but without any expectation that you can do anything to work out his problems.

I wonder if the Court will consider a foster home if son continues to refuse to work with his father. Does son know that this might come about?

 

[Helpless29]

Hi Helpless

I'm in the same position as you. I cannot make my son do anything that helps himself or helps me. Any change that will come for either of our son's will come from their own learning. Right now the Court is acting as your son's guardian, in a sense. This is not so bad, because they will not play. If son does take his medications, there will be consequences. If he does not speak to his father to arrange a home, there will be consequences.
Your son right now is trying to do a magic trick, and blaming you when it fails. He knows that he cannot go home to you.

You have no control here. You have no power and no options. His Dad has made himself available. Son chooses not to work anything out He will stay in jail as long as he maintains this, most likely. What can you do?

Not a thing.

I would continue speaking with him but without any expectation that you can do anything to work out his problems.

I wonder if the Court will consider a foster home if son continues to refuse to work with his father. Does son know that this might come about?

I do try to talk to him & tell him the outcome of not talking to his father & I tell him he can be placed somewhere else but all he says is I don’t know what I’m talking about & he still insists he can go with his grandparents, which now they are willing to take him as long as he is put on house arrest but father will not allow that to happen.Reason 1 they cannot control him, Reason 2 they live in a neighborhood where he has easy access to his drugs & it is not a good neighborhood, gangs, drugs, etc

 

[Copabanana]

I do try to talk to him & tell him the outcome

What more can you do?

It sounds like his Dad is responding appropriately by not allowing him to control the situation (which itself is ridiculous given that he is a child who has gotten himself into a difficult and dire situation, already). So. I think the work has to be by you. To tolerate and handle the natural,emotional consequences of the situation.

You really are helpless, right now, if you define yourself and your range of possible actions in terms of WHAT SON DOES or THINKS. You can decide to define yourself based upon YOU. What you choose for yourself, how you function, and your state of mind (and heart). This is what happens for each one of us here, and what is our common bond. The hard fact that we do not control our kids, and our hearts are broken, and we are sad, sad, sad, and feel helpless.

We find that it is within our power to establish boundaries. First we define boundaries based upon how much we allow in or close our kids. But then we come to define boundaries as how we understand and experience ourselves.

There are things you can do (I will put down here what I do or want to do): Go to a 12 step group, like Al Anon or some other group like this; Codependents Anonymous is another one. Exercise. Walking. Gym. Martial Arts. A needlework class. A quilting guild. A language class. Art. Spirituality. Anything that involves me with people. Therapy and bodywork.

We do not have control over others or do we determine what they do or don't do. Your son will likely continue along these same lines. He shows no sign of learning from the difficult situation he finds himself in. This does not mean he won't change down the line. But your own suffering, and ruminating, and feelings of helplessness will not inspire this change.

This is what all of us come to learn, sooner or later. What happens is that we start taking care of ourselves. The suffering still happens for us, but it does not dominate us. We come to see we have a choice whether or not we define ourselves and our lives, based upon our children, or based upon our decisions to live well every day. And every day is a new day.

 

[overcome mom]

Helpless, I too have been in situations where I can see the writing on the wall and try and get by son to read it but he can't. Now I see that I can show him the wall but it's up to him to read it. It sounds to me that a lot of your son's reasoning comes from being young and immature. My son sounded the same at his age , I was the one who just didn't understand what was happening, I was making more of a situation than there was ,etc. The problem is now he sees what he is doing wrong a good part of the time but continues making the same mistakes over and over again.

We do not have control over others or do we determine what they do or don't do.

This is the hardest thing to learn as a parent because for years it has been our jobs to do that, control their behavior . Then as they get older we have no control. One of the worse thing as a parent is to watch your child make mistakes that hurt themselves and others when you have tried to teach them between right and wrong. I try and make small suggestions to my son , a little at a time and then listen to him rant. I also try to realize that he is probably not going to listen to what I say. You have done what you can and the rest is up to him and the courts. My son had been locked up many times and each time I hate it. It is not a good place for them to be but in this society it is sometimes the only place they can be. I have bailed my son out too many times and I am still not sure if I should have or not. We all just make the best decisions we can under the circumstances.

 

[RN0441]

I went through many many years of the same thing with our son. Age 15 and he was defiant and did not care at all what happened to him. I could not get my head around that.

Every time something bad happened I'd think "this was it' and it never was.

The good news is that now at 23 my son DOES care. In fact he is cleaning up his act 100%. He is waiting a few months for his record to clear so he can begin a career in welding which is huge here on the Gulf Coast. I think this last thing is for when he stole our car at 18 and we finally had him arrested. He had taken it many times but this time we wanted him to know we were done being his victim.

We don't talk about the past much. He doesn't want to and as much as I'd like to has it out, I don't bring it up either. I want to forget it to be honest.

Surrender. And Pray.