I think you handled it well.
Your son has a point about needing to show respect to get rspect, but it goes both ways. Also, at 18 (almost) he should be more mature, so he doesn't need to have the example set for him any longer.
A suggestion I've given people here before, which we tried to live - when our kids got to the "I'm an almost adult, I'm independent, I only sleep and eat here sometimes" phase, we set up a "house rules" system similar to what they would have to live by when they leave home. Because it's very rare to be able to leave hom and move into your own apartment without sharing. And whewn you have to share, then you also have to communicate and compromise. If you don't, you will find yourself on your own having to cover a rent bill that is too much for one person. Or (*shudder*) find yourself having to move back home.
House rules apply to everybody, including parents. You treat one another as flatmates and share the load according to your varying energies and abilities.
House rules:
1) Let people know where/when you will be and for how long. It's not checking up, it's keeping people in the loop. So I will tell difficult child 3 if I'm going to the store. difficult child 3 tells me if he's going for a walk. We say what time we think we'll be back. If I'm going to the store difficult child 3 might ask, "Can you buy more milk while you're there? I just used the last and haven't got it onto the shopping list yet." Also letting people know your movements - helps you coordinate transport, meals, accommodation.
2) Share the load. This means taking a turn at mowing lawns, doing the washing, cleaning the bathrooms etc. It also means doing these things in a way that is compatible with how everyone else does the same job.No taking the dirty dishes out onto the lawn to hose them, unless that's what your parents do.
3) Put up or shut up. That means no complaining about the food unless you're prepared to do the job.
4) Parents will provide training for independence. That means you will get your child into the laundry to talk him through putting on a load of washing and learning how to do it right. The same goes with meal preparation. If difficult child wants to eat something different, then give him the opportunity. But he has to plan the meal, shop for the ingredients, budget for them (even if you're still paying the bills, the meal he chooses to prepare has to be compatible with the weekly budget), prepare the meal, serve it and tidy up afterwards. Part of this planning is also going to involve finding out who will be home for dinner - he will discover first-hand how anxious you can get when the cheese soufflé is ready to serve but several people are still missing from the table. Even if he only prepared spag bol which can be microwaved, it's still annoying to find flatmates missing.
The motivation for all of this - it is teaching skills which will make your child a popular and sought-after flatmate. Or partner.
You can add other rules if you wish, such as ones we raised our kids with (put the toilet seat AND lid back down when you're finished, mop up all spills immediately, always have the door shut while you are using the toilet even for a brief visit, always remove any empty toilet rolls and never leave the toilet unsupplied with toilet paper).
If he whines about the new rules, tell him it's training wheels tiime. Your aim (and surely his aim?) is for him to be able to live well independently. He needs to be able to feed himself (fast food is unhealthy and ten times the price. Home cooked is cheaper, tastier and better for you. Also more easy to control exactly what you want so you don't get stuck with ingredients you don't like).
We also taught our kids to sew (boys too). Same motivation - "we want you to plan towards leaving home." A young person who can sew, cook, do laundry and understands the necessary common courtesies that are required for successful independent living is a young person who will be increasingly popular, is likely to be able to choose the accommodation/flatmate of preference, is going to feel more confident about independence. And despite having those skills, won't be having to use them too much because everyone takes turns. But being able to impress with any of those skills is a huge ego boost for anyone.
He is going to go his own way. We followed these rules with our kids, they are not of 100% success but ANY progress in this direction is a bonus. It also becomes very quickly obvious when they DO leave home, that these skills are valuable and desirable.
We found that our kids began to demonstrate their own individual tastes, in the things they chose to cook. easy child 2/difficult child 2 for example has developed her own variation on carbonara sauce. It is her specialty. Now she lives in a flat with BF2, they have friends who visit them so they can sample her pasta carbonara. I taught her how to make home-made pasta so her cooking is popular and also inexpensive. But when she lived at home, I didn't like eating pasta carbonara all the time, it was bad for me anyway. So we let her cook it for herself but generally required her to cook something for other people, or to put up with US needing something else cooked.
Living with someone else requires give and take and mutual support. If you share with a large number of people, each person has their name on their own personal food stash. It can get very cumbersome. You learn to not steal other people's stash or you will be asked to leave.
Living like this - you learn to not be a doormat (you're already working on this) and you learn to require quid pro quo.
Your son needs to know that there is something very much in this for him - the chance of sooner independence.
If he helped himself to a flatmate's car without permission, he would find himself evicted, at the very least. Or he would have to apologise grovellingly, and maybe take on some chores for the car owner to make it up to him. At the very least, if you borrow someone else's car (even with permission) you should return it with all fuel used replaced (or preferably topped up), no rubbish left behind, any dirt washed off. And of course, no dents or scratches!
This is how society works. Homo sapiens is a social creature, we need to get along with one another.
Marg
