son took car!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by insanemomoffour, Feb 14, 2009.

  1. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    I haven't posted for a while. I am the mother of a 17year old ODD,ADHD, and one dr said Bi-Polar. He will be 18 in 17 days(not that I am counting). He keeps talking about what he is going to do. He is driving me crazy. Just when he seems to be making progress with maturity and responsibility he goes and does something WAY stupid! He does not have a driving permit/license and while his father and I were out with our church's couples ministry, he and his friend took the car. Of course when I confronted him he admitted it with kind of a "yah, why? what are you going to do about it?" I try to handle things by picking my fights so that it doesn't get violent or ugly. UGH!!!! My husband is now out of town for work for aprox 1 wk and doesn't even know any of this yet. UGH!!@#!$#!$!#$!#$!#~!!!!#@!@##$%^*
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. With this attitude you are going to have to find some parts to remove from the car so it won't run. I recommend spark plug wires. Or something else easy to remove. If you do the spark plug wires, do a little drawing to show which spark plug is connected to which place on the other end. Just remember to put them on back in the right way when you hook them up.

    Do you have a plan for when he is 18? Will he still be living at home, or do you plan to have him move out? What about rent? I think there are some transitional living programs that DHS has to help kids adjust to all the responsibilities of life as an adult. Someone here will have more info on those than I do.

    I am sorry.
  3. compassion

    compassion Member

    We went through this multiple times. Weend3ed up getting a safe to lock keys. We also got lo-jack or steering whell locks for all cars.
  4. insanemomoffour

    insanemomoffour New Member

    well the next phase was it was time to take him to work. I tried letting him know how he let me down and I am disappointed. He tried to argue with me and I didn't give it to him, so then he told me to "shut up because he doesn't listen to me anymore anyway". That he is going to be an adult soon and the way he acts is from my husband and I rubbing off on him. That I need to look at my attitude. I just became quiet. Once we got to his job I asked him if he needed a ride home and he said it depended if his friend was going to get his mother's car. He got out and didn't say anthing. So the way I handled this was I didn't go pick him up right away. He must have waited outside his job about 15 min and then called me and said he needed a ride and that I should know he would have called if he didn't. No he would have called or came out while I waisted the time and gas going there and then told me he didn't need a ride. Anyway, by the time I got there he had a didn't attitude. I told him that he owed me an apology and he said I owe him one. He went on to say you have to give respect to get respect. I told him that I have respected him for 18 years. He said that it hasn't been 18 yrs yet and I told him the 40 weeks that I carried him counted as well considering I "respected" him enough to keep a healthy pregnancy. At this point still just trying to make a point. And I said that he still owed me an apology for stealing the car. I really don not think he thought of it as stealing, so I figured I need to use that terminology. He finally apologized.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member should join us on the PE board. We have the older kids there and your son is just about 18.

    If Sir SmartMouth wants to pick fights and get all technical with you, you could always explain to him that while what he had done was not exactly stealing but you could press charges for unlawful use of a motor vehicle by a person without a license or a permit. That is a crime. It isnt grand theft but it is a crime. I would tell him you are going to call the cops the next time he decides to take the car.

    I got the same BS blatherings from my son about him learning his maladabitive behaviors from me because I have a diagnosis of bipolar. I said well it was awful funny that I had bipolar but I didnt have the cops running after me night and day and he did. If he was learning my behaviors then he would be doing much better!
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think you handled it well.

    Your son has a point about needing to show respect to get rspect, but it goes both ways. Also, at 18 (almost) he should be more mature, so he doesn't need to have the example set for him any longer.

    A suggestion I've given people here before, which we tried to live - when our kids got to the "I'm an almost adult, I'm independent, I only sleep and eat here sometimes" phase, we set up a "house rules" system similar to what they would have to live by when they leave home. Because it's very rare to be able to leave hom and move into your own apartment without sharing. And whewn you have to share, then you also have to communicate and compromise. If you don't, you will find yourself on your own having to cover a rent bill that is too much for one person. Or (*shudder*) find yourself having to move back home.

    House rules apply to everybody, including parents. You treat one another as flatmates and share the load according to your varying energies and abilities.

    House rules:

    1) Let people know where/when you will be and for how long. It's not checking up, it's keeping people in the loop. So I will tell difficult child 3 if I'm going to the store. difficult child 3 tells me if he's going for a walk. We say what time we think we'll be back. If I'm going to the store difficult child 3 might ask, "Can you buy more milk while you're there? I just used the last and haven't got it onto the shopping list yet." Also letting people know your movements - helps you coordinate transport, meals, accommodation.

    2) Share the load. This means taking a turn at mowing lawns, doing the washing, cleaning the bathrooms etc. It also means doing these things in a way that is compatible with how everyone else does the same job.No taking the dirty dishes out onto the lawn to hose them, unless that's what your parents do.

    3) Put up or shut up. That means no complaining about the food unless you're prepared to do the job.

    4) Parents will provide training for independence. That means you will get your child into the laundry to talk him through putting on a load of washing and learning how to do it right. The same goes with meal preparation. If difficult child wants to eat something different, then give him the opportunity. But he has to plan the meal, shop for the ingredients, budget for them (even if you're still paying the bills, the meal he chooses to prepare has to be compatible with the weekly budget), prepare the meal, serve it and tidy up afterwards. Part of this planning is also going to involve finding out who will be home for dinner - he will discover first-hand how anxious you can get when the cheese soufflé is ready to serve but several people are still missing from the table. Even if he only prepared spag bol which can be microwaved, it's still annoying to find flatmates missing.

    The motivation for all of this - it is teaching skills which will make your child a popular and sought-after flatmate. Or partner.

    You can add other rules if you wish, such as ones we raised our kids with (put the toilet seat AND lid back down when you're finished, mop up all spills immediately, always have the door shut while you are using the toilet even for a brief visit, always remove any empty toilet rolls and never leave the toilet unsupplied with toilet paper).

    If he whines about the new rules, tell him it's training wheels tiime. Your aim (and surely his aim?) is for him to be able to live well independently. He needs to be able to feed himself (fast food is unhealthy and ten times the price. Home cooked is cheaper, tastier and better for you. Also more easy to control exactly what you want so you don't get stuck with ingredients you don't like).

    We also taught our kids to sew (boys too). Same motivation - "we want you to plan towards leaving home." A young person who can sew, cook, do laundry and understands the necessary common courtesies that are required for successful independent living is a young person who will be increasingly popular, is likely to be able to choose the accommodation/flatmate of preference, is going to feel more confident about independence. And despite having those skills, won't be having to use them too much because everyone takes turns. But being able to impress with any of those skills is a huge ego boost for anyone.

    He is going to go his own way. We followed these rules with our kids, they are not of 100% success but ANY progress in this direction is a bonus. It also becomes very quickly obvious when they DO leave home, that these skills are valuable and desirable.

    We found that our kids began to demonstrate their own individual tastes, in the things they chose to cook. easy child 2/difficult child 2 for example has developed her own variation on carbonara sauce. It is her specialty. Now she lives in a flat with BF2, they have friends who visit them so they can sample her pasta carbonara. I taught her how to make home-made pasta so her cooking is popular and also inexpensive. But when she lived at home, I didn't like eating pasta carbonara all the time, it was bad for me anyway. So we let her cook it for herself but generally required her to cook something for other people, or to put up with US needing something else cooked.

    Living with someone else requires give and take and mutual support. If you share with a large number of people, each person has their name on their own personal food stash. It can get very cumbersome. You learn to not steal other people's stash or you will be asked to leave.

    Living like this - you learn to not be a doormat (you're already working on this) and you learn to require quid pro quo.

    Your son needs to know that there is something very much in this for him - the chance of sooner independence.

    If he helped himself to a flatmate's car without permission, he would find himself evicted, at the very least. Or he would have to apologise grovellingly, and maybe take on some chores for the car owner to make it up to him. At the very least, if you borrow someone else's car (even with permission) you should return it with all fuel used replaced (or preferably topped up), no rubbish left behind, any dirt washed off. And of course, no dents or scratches!

    This is how society works. Homo sapiens is a social creature, we need to get along with one another.

  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Do you live in an area with public transportation? If so, he needs to arrange his own transportation to and from work. Sounds ungrateful as heck. I hate to say this, but I really think you are just going around in circles with him. He's not really listening to you and you are not really getting your point across. Disengage.

    Are you prepared to watch him walk away or insist that he leave the house when he turns 18? Isn't he still in school? What happens? Have you and husband spoken to him about how life will change, i.e., paying his share of bills, doing his own chores, arranging his own transportation, or doing his own laundry, etc., if he stays home?

    The BiPolar (BP) diagnosis could be a strong possibility given his genetic makeup. You say that one doctor thought/thinks that. Were any medications or therapies, etc., tried to treat the BiPolar (BP)? Since you carry the diagnosis yourself, do you see any similarities?

    18 is approaching gast - I hope you have the plan. Sorry you are having to live this way and be treated this way.

  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I am not sure from your post...but I am hoping that you didn't actually let him get into your car for that ride home until AFTER he apologized.

    That's the stage we are at with our difficult child. She talks big, shoots her mouth off about how she doesn't need us, calls us names, totally disrespectful--and then will expect to be driven somewhere. I try to make it a point that I don't do favors for people that are being rude to me.

    Just the other day, for example, she was sitting in the back seat of my car in a foul mood...and for no apparant reason, she flipped me the bird and called me a B****. We had been on our way to do a few errands....and boy was she surprised when I didn't stop ar the store SHE wanted to go to. "Hey! I wanted to go to The Dollar Store!!".

    Really? Maybe you should be nice to me if you want me to do something nice for you?

    I am hoping that, eventually, this lesson will sink in...

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Insane,
    welcome back.
    I am so sorry about your son.
    It was good to make him wait 15 min. because it taught him that he is dependent upon other people.
    When my son, who is only 12, mouths off, I pull over and tell him to get out. He has only gotten out once and he was very scared.
    I had to do it last week and all I did was pull over and put the car in park and he said, "Okay, okay, that's not what I meant!"
    The point is that you have to stick to your guns.

    What do you plan to do about the car? Take the keys and remove the battery?

    Why isn't he on any medications? Why doesn't he have his permit?
    Maybe you could negotiatie going on medications with-his permit? It would be a good carrot. Just a thought.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    "Taking the car" is actually petty much a typical teen trick. I was the perfect easy child teen but...I drove the car before I had a license when I was fifteen. My easy child son and his easy child friend took the friends Dad's car one night for a joy ride.

    Honestly, I do understand your worry as I have an 18 year old AS difficult child who wants to badly to be "normal" that I make sure the keys are hidden away just in case. on the other hand, I can understand teenage mindset even though I am way over the hill. Here's hoping it is a one time deal for him, too. DDD