Son Update

[Scent of Cedar *]

Perhaps I am heartless, but when my daughter was "released" due to insurance, I refused to take her.

You are not heartless Walrus. You are brave. I think there is no harder thing than to say no to our own kids, and to keep saying no.

Understanding in our bones that we cannot help our own kids ~ that anything we do to help them is hurting both them and us ~ is something most parents never have to confront. Other parents, helping professionals or not, have no frame of reference for what it is we are required to do.

So they judge us instead.

And all there is to say about that is that I am glad they don't know what I know.

I don't want to know it either.

The social worker was supposed to find him a group home and match him with services here. That did not happen. I am working on getting him a case manager here that will coordinate services.

I hope things jell sooner than later for both our sakes. He refuses to see a therapist or a psychiatrist and will not take medications.

The way we love our kids is a mystery. I get to that place, too. What is the right thing, or what is the best thing I can know. You are doing the right thing (according to your own sense of integrity) by your son, given his medical situation, and that matters. Does the Social Worker understand just how difficult this is for you? Does she understand the why behind it, I mean? Might there be a respite care program for your son? Somewhere he could be taken five days a week for activities and so on?

I know there are such programs for elderly adults. I am imagining you saying there are such programs but that your son refuses. That is what you meant when you posted that he refuses therapy or counseling.

Still, that is the only thing I can think of.

Maybe this would be the area the social worker could concentrate on in her talks with him, until placement becomes available. Finding a program like that and somehow making it mandatory for him to attend.

For the sake of your sanity, and his, too.

I think you are correct pasa when you post that the longer you and your son are there together, the harder it will be for those old patterns of behavior not to begin again. I am very sure that is how it would be for me too, if something similar should ever come to be my situation with my own son.

Are they giving you a time line regarding placement for your son, pasa?

Cedar

 

[Lil]

Might there be a respite care program for your son? Somewhere he could be taken five days a week for activities and so on?

That was my thinking exactly. Here we have an organization that has a respite care facility for people with developmental disabilities who live with their primary caregiver, but there might be one for people who have physical issues. Or maybe a respite care worker - much like in-home health care, could come to the home and stay for several hours, just to enable Pasa to get away for a bit.

Getting out, even if it's just to shop, or get a facial, or take a drive and just be away, is so important to a caregiver.

 

[TheWalrus]

I knew my daughter was beyond my capabilities, even if I were in a position to quit my job and stay home with her. I would have been a prisoner in my own home, unable to have any peace. She has a brain injury that affects her emotions, reasoning, impulsivity and decision making (skills she was already lacking now much worse), serious physical limitations due to her injury, a full blown psychiatric disorder and drug addiction. No amount of motherly love can give her all she needs, particularly when she doesn't want it, and I knew that. I refused to give in to the guilt and pressure to take responsibility. She is an adult. Regardless of the money or insurance I knew they couldn't put her on the street and it forced them to actually work to find her placement. In the end, she refused and secured her own place to go which has had disastrous consequences.

I was lucky enough to have friends in the healthcare and mental health profession give me advice. I think many parents don't realize they have the option to say no and facilities at good at the guilt and fear games when the money runs out. At this point, you are his only advocate and that is hard. So hard. You had skilled professionals who obviously did not carry through with their responsibility to find hi the best care he qualifies for. It will be an uphill battle to do it on your own. I would begin with every assisted living, DHS, and adults with disabilities services in your area. Keep calling and making contacts, finding options. He should qualify for home health and physical therapy in your home. I would stay on the facility who discharged him, insist they find him a caseworker, and not let them shut the door on him. He is in your house now so it is time to be proactive.

 

[pasajes4]

It has all become a moot point. Home health care services came to do an assessment of his living arrangement to see what level of care would be needed. My home does not fit his criteria for safety and mobility ( too many levels, steps, no shower with a 0 step up, I am unable to pick him up off the floor should he fall, no handicap emergency exit). They arranged transport to a hospital from which he will be placed in an appropriate setting. The rest will be taken up with the state. With him staying in san Antonio, I will be able to monitor his living situation and visit him on a regular basis.

I hope I did not come off as a mean spirited bruhah. Regardless of our rocky relationship the last 6 years, I love my son and I want what is best for him. I hate that his response to his mental struggles and his interpretation of his life events have resulted in his current condition. If there were a magic reset button, I would be begging to push it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well, at least the home health care assessment person had more brains (and care) than the person at the hospital.

You weren't coming off as mean-spirited. You KNEW this was too much for you, and were groaning under the load. Now that YOU found the right person to involve in the process, he can start getting what he needs at this point.

Good job, Warrior Mom!

 

[Lil]

It has all become a moot point. Home health care services came to do an assessment of his living arrangement to see what level of care would be needed. My home does not fit his criteria for safety and mobility ( too many levels, steps, no shower with a 0 step up, I am unable to pick him up off the floor should he fall, no handicap emergency exit). They arranged transport to a hospital from which he will be placed in an appropriate setting.

Oh I'm SO glad! No one thought you were being mean-spirited at ALL! I think everyone can easily see you love your child and want the best for him...but when they won't help themselves or even cooperate? It's got to be doubly hard when you know they did this to themselves!

But you really shouldn't be the one taking care of him. It sounds like he needs a lot more care and rehab than you can give. He needs round-the-clock supervision and care. Until he can take care of himself for at least a few hours a day, he needs to be elsewhere.

I'm so glad that the home health person was quick to see the problems.

 

[TheWalrus]

That assessment should have been done beforehand. I am sure they are legally responsible if they release him into an environment that is not safe for his needs. They did this with our home from the beginning and we would have had to remodel areas to suit her and her equipment.

No you don't sound heartless or brisk. I am glad it worked our, though it seems they went about it all backward.

 

[pasajes4]

No you don't sound heartless or brisk. I am glad it worked our, though it seems they went about it all backward.

That's Texas for you.

 

[Albatross]

I think this is all very wonderful news, Pasa, for both of you. He will be where he can hopefully make some progress, and you will be much better able to support his recovery.

You did not come off as mean-spirited, nor did Walrus. You have both gone above and beyond many, many times for your children in getting them what they need. I agree, true warrior moms!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for the update Pasa, I'm so glad he will get the care he needs and you are off the hook. You never come off in any way but a caring and loving mother whose been through hell with your son......(very much like the rest of us here......)

Go have a drink, a pedicure, a bath, a dinner out with a girlfriend.....go have some FUN!

 

[Childofmine]

Oh dear Pasa, I'm just catching up here. I'm so glad he is being placed outside your home. I know you love him and we all get that just because you love someone so deeply and desperately doesn't mean you can or should live with them.

I hate that growing up that there were times that I would shutdown and not be able to do the parenting necessary to address his issues.

I can only imagine how his being in your home brought it all to the forefront. I don't know all of the details of your life, but I know this: You did the best you could do. Why do we expect perfection of ourselves, more than anyone else? We know people aren't perfect, and we are just as imperfect as the rest of them. We can only do so much. And then when we can, and we know better and we are able to do better, then we do.

I think you are speaking of regret (I hope) and not guilt. I regret (wish it hadn't had to happen) that I was divorced and that I nor my now-ex-husband could not find a way to make it work. I don't feel guilt about it because I tried and tried and tried, and turned over every single rock to try to find a way to make it work.
It is still sad.

Please...work to let go of any residual guilt, Pasa. Do what you must to let that go. It only hurts you and holds you back.

I am so sorry for your son's choices that have led to this point today. I pray that he recovers more, and that he realizes that life is a gift and he can have a better life if he so chooses.

Warm hugs for you tonight. I am just feeling the feelings of reading this thread and hoping you are okay.