Son won’t talk to me anymore

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
All of you who followed my posts know about my 17 year son , well when I first found this website he was 16 teen , now he is still locked up in juvenile detention, there looking for somewhere to place him till he’s 18 since me & his father won’t allow him in are homes anymore. Before he would call me , we would have pretty good conversations , he would also ask about his little brothers who he adored, now since he found out I won’t take him in my home, he won’t talk to me at all, when he does call it’s just for me to do a 3 way call for him to his girlfriend. I try making small talk but he won’t, and pretty much will just put me down as a mother,I know I shouldn’t let him do this to me but I know it’s hurt he’s feeling. Today I feel so hurt , I feel I lost the little bit of relationship we had . And I feel like I lost my son.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Your son is trying to manipulate you. He has been doing this since you first came here. All our kids do that so I'm not calling him out at all.

I remember when our son did that and I think I found out that he was doing it here to be honest. I was so blinded by my love for him and my pain that I didn't see it.

I really didn't want to believe it. He wasn't that way...until he was.

I know you are in a very difficult situation but I also think you know if he comes back to live with you that he will ruin your family life. You cannot throw everyone under the bus for one. I feel that about my own family. I DID throw them all under the bus. It didn't end well and I don't know if our son will ever repair his relationship with his older brothers because of it.

I do hope you don't write the end of the story here. Your son is still young and if you don't stand firm now, things will get much worse for him. They need to learn that they need to follow the rules to live in our society. Period. It's not everyone else's fault. They must learn this. You have been trying to teach him this by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. As parents, that is our job.

I know in the end you will do what you can bear, but I just am trying to help you with the guilt. I can tell you are a wonderful and loving mother even though you may not feel like that now. Sometimes as parents we have to make very hard decisions. We have to make decisions that a normal parent should not have to make, yet here we are.

Give yourself some grace and continue to pray for your son and for your peace.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
I feel like I no longer have a daughter. She is furious at us and we don't even know where she is. She stopped talking to us when we stopped buying her things and giving her money and when her son came to live with my other daughter. She never even calls her son.

I wish my daughter was the kind of person who could be in a family.but she is all about her. We adopted her and I always wonder if that's why she so easily separated and seems not to miss anyone. She was always resentful of being adopted. She was too unpleasant and even too violent to live at home with us. We did buy her a house and a mobile home, but she lost both and is living in a camper now with her husband. We have no idea where.

It is hard to lose a child this way, but we can't keep buying her love. That's not love.

I hope things end up differently for you. If not, it is because your son refuses to be a family member. You have done all you can.

Such love and prayers.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
By not allowing him to come home, he has to stay locked up longer. This is making him see the consequences of his behavior. He is wrong to blame you for his being locked up.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
stay locked up longer. This is making him see the consequences of his behavior.
I agree with the others, although I acknowledge and feel very sad about how things have turned out. And I can see how hurt and sad you feel, and how guilty.

But the thing is, I agree with Crayola. I know you have younger children at home. Over and over again your son has made poor choices that would put you at risk and put the children at risk should he live with you. I recognize he wanted to come to your home. That was because he needed a place to live.

He is a child still and can't be expected to have the resources and the ability to house and feed himself. However, for a long time he has insisted on making choices that a man makes. Not a good and responsible man. If this were the case, he would still have options. But an incorrigible man/child, a teen on the road to be a man who lives outside of the law. These choice he is making are incompatible with living in a family with young children.

He has chosen to live outside of rules. And he has continued to seek this this every single step of the way. He is the one who has eliminated any good or reasonable option he would have had.

Your work is to accept that your options were constrained by circumstances. Whether it was his behavior. Whether it was the younger children. Whether it is your new marriage. I don't know the whole story. But what I do know is that you have suffered for your child every step of the way. And what I do know is that he has never seemed sincere about trying to reform himself. I am remembering how his grandparents welcomed him with open arms, and he betrayed them, by his acts. And while his Dad may have been ambivalent, he nonetheless brought your son home.

I don't know if those were set ups or not. Maybe it could never have worked out. Maybe these people were either unwilling or unprepared to deal with a troubled adolescent. But the thing is your son has to learn to accept the reality of his circumstances, so that he can learn to make better choices.

And you have to accept the reality of your circumstances. I understand sadness. All of us deal with it. But there's a reality here: You have tried to stand by him, to the extent that his choices and your circumstances allowed. Sometimes life does not offer better options. I am sorry.
 
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