Sons' girlfriend died in her sleep

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Apr 19, 2016.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I joined this forum when my 33 yo difficult child was involved with another difficult child and driving me to the brink of insanity. I had to call the police to stop her harassment, and after several money cons and hacking into my computer I had enough.

    My son went from their drunken, drug induced fights which landed one or the other in jail, then detox, to her and her mother putting all of his possessions out on the street in the rain, they were all stolen. Living on the streets homeless in CO. Threatening suicide if I did not give him money, he also cuts himself. So I learned to detach, hard to do, but required for my sanity.

    My son's girlfriend (in my opinion) just liked to fight, not work, stay stoned all day, and send me nasty messages because I stopped the money flow.

    I stopped posting on the forum 'cause it was just the same ole same ole. I did not hear from my son for over three years, he is sending me messages again, but I have not physically seen him for about 5 years. He was homeless after one of their fights the end of 2015 and I just advised him to go to a shelter. Hard for a parent to do!

    The girlfriend's mother blames my son and I can understand her wanting better for her daughter. The difficult child is 40 yo and doesn't work, still lives at home, senior mother works and pays the bills and bought daughter a car, the difficult child daughter thinks I should do the same.

    The female difficult child's sister was an alcoholic and died last July, my son text me that the difficult child was found dead Monday morning. He is in a state of shock, they had spent the weekend together.

    The mother will not return his calls and he found out about the death when a detective called and just said, 'she is dead' I felt so sorry for him. He says she is his soul mate and he will never get over her. He may be right.

    They have been together for 7 tumultuous years and both have served jail time for their fights, I was always afraid they were going to kill each other. They were poison together! She was possessive and controlling and, in my opinion, just pure evil. He's no saint.

    I suspect drugs were involved. The mother is not allowing him to attend the funeral. My heart breaks for him, he has had a hard life, the majority of it he has created. If the tables were turned, I would allow her to come to the funeral, just for closure. I do feel for the mother, losing two children in 9 months time is unbearable.

    He has a job and I am hoping this horrible event will steer his life in a new direction, for the better. He needs dental work really bad, but I'm afraid if I offer he will start the 'give me money' all over again.

    Prayers for all of us that our children may one day see the light, blessings.
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  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Tired - I am so very very sorry. For your son's loss, and for your aching mother's heart.

    My challenging kid's girlfriend committed suicide almost 4 years ago. Like your son, he was forbidden from attending the funeral. Her mom and step-dad blamed my son for her death. It was an awful awful time, and I'm not sure it's something my son will ever really recover from.

    But... he has moved forward. It hasn't always been easy - her birthday, his birthday (their anniversary), and the anniversary of her death are still very rough days, but he has hung in there and is actually doing phenomenally well. It took time, and a lot of just talking with him and sharing memories of her...

    I will keep your son in my thoughts. Again, I'm so sorry.
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Tired, I am so sorry for all of your sons troubles....such a tragic loss and horrible way to find out.
    The story is very familiar to me, not exactly the same, some jail time and three grands in the mix, and yes, drugs.
    Sigh. I do not know the reason such volatile
    relationships continue. It is the same with my d c and her boyfriend. One day is never like the rest, they are mostly acting as if they hate each other and fighting. The poor kids.
    I think I would do the same.
    I am glad he has a job. I hope that he uses this as a pivot point towards a better direction. One never knows what will motivate another to want change. It will be hard for him, but perhaps he will want to live differently.
    I thank you for your prayer and hold hands to join in. Please, let our children see the light, whether they do or not, let us all find peace.

  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Tired of 33, I am so sorry. It is so hard to watch our DCs, who have so many sorrows themselves, experience yet another sorrow. I often thought that Difficult Child's life just kept on being riddled with hard times, bad situations, people who made bad choices, and more of the same. It is hard to watch and bear with someone you love so much and want so much for.

    As sad as this is, I think it takes something like this...a wake up shake them out of their habits and patterns. Maybe, just maybe, he will grieve, be sad, and then pick up the pieces and make something good with them. That is a choice we all have, no matter what. We can let something bad define us, or we can deal with it, and move on from it, having learned something important.

    Can you stand back for a time and just see what he might do next before you offer anything? I know your hurting heart wants to do something for him, but right now is a pivotal moment in his life, and if he can seize it, he may turn and go in a new direction, despite this and because of this.

    For 7 years they clearly cared for each other and tormented each other. It's all he's known for so very long.

    Now, there will be an empty space where she was, and silence, but maybe in that silence will come peace and then something new and good for him.

    See if you can wait and see, and then you can be there to help in some way once you see if he is able to take this in and do something good with it, in time.

    We're here for you, and we understand the sadness you are feeling for him and I'm sure, for her, as well right now.

    Warm hugs.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh To33, how very sad.
    I agree with you, if the tables were turned I would allow her to come to the funeral. I do understand where this mother is coming from and it's denial. It is easier to blame your son for her daughters poor choices than to blame the daughter. I think this is a very common reaction with many parents.
    Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you and your son. I'm glad that he has a job, hopefully that will help to occupy his mind and give him a sense of purpose.
    ((HUGS)) to you!!
  6. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    My heart hurts for your son and you. Though lives look tattered, torn, and tumultuous, I believe souls know the truth and get it right. Maybe this bond being broken will allow him to break free and create a different life.
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Tired, my heart goes out to you and our son. I know how hard it is......sending you big warm hugs, we're all here for something especially kind and nurturing for yourself now......
  8. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    We are here for you in your sorrow for your son and for your son's loss. The caring and wisdom of others' responses have touched me, and echo my own thoughts and prayers for you.
    How well we know your pain, dear, and we share your breaking, hurting heart. This speaks for us all.
    I lift a hope that you son may also heal his heart with time and memories.
    This indeed may be a "turning point" for him. Stay patient, and slow down. Wait and see.
    Our diffiult children always have the choice to learn and move on, and the only change can come from themselves, as we well know.
    You are not alone, Tiredof33. Thank you for sharing.
    This is truly a very comforting and wise insight for me to learn today.
    I believe you and your son are going to be alright. Take care of yourself. Bless.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Such a heartbreaking situation. My heart goes out to both of you.
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Tired, for you, for your son, for the mother who has lost another child. Such a shame, a waste of another young life that once held promise.

    I too would probably allow your son to attend the service....but we all grieve differently. Perhaps her pain is so unfathomable right now that she doesn't know where to put it. I hope time and distance help both of them find some peace.
  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you all for your support. The death was suicide, something that is so hard to understand. My friend's 16yo grand, very good student, very pretty, involved in sports and music, no apparent mental problems, committed suicide Christmas. We never really know what torments a person.

    The mother softened her heart and reached out to my son yesterday to help plan the funeral, I think it will help them both heal. I'm sure the mother is in shock, I know I would be. The mother is extremely religious (and a good person) my son and girlfriend were attending them same church. It's so strange to me that they can have drug and alcohol binges, be arrested for trying to kill each other and attend church regularly. I'm not judging, just puzzled.

    This girlfriend was truly the most bi-polar individual I have ever met. She was officially diagnosed, but chose to self medicate. The older sister was only about a year older and she died from liver disease cause by alcoholism. They were very close and I am sure the sister was girlfriend's anchor. She was lost without her. These individuals suffer so much.

    I will never backslide into enabling. This was a point of contention between the mother (and most of girlfriend's family) and I. The mother was still supporting the 40yo and she lived at home for the most part. Bought her a car etc., that she really could not afford while girlfriend and my son spent most of their money on concerts. Selling drugs was lucrative until they were caught for mailing it from CO. He was really lucky, just probation, but they did decide it was a bad idea after that. They look for the easy way.

    girlfriend', mother, her family felt I had turned my back on my son because I stopped the money flow. Some members of my own family do too. girlfriend loved to send me nasty messages about how I was going to hell for hating my son so much. Money equates love. I don't think the enabling killed the daughter, but it did leave her too much free time and no responsibilities. girlfriend and my son posted on social media and told friends (the few they had left) that he had no family, just girlfriend. Again, not judging, but it hurt.

    These individuals with mental illness are truly tortured souls.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2016
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks for the update To33.

    I am so glad she decided to include him. Even though their lives were a mess they were still together for 7 years.
    I'm sorry to hear it was suicide as that always leaves so many questions that there will never be answers to.

    I don't post about this much because it's really not what this forum is about but I am a Christian and attend church weekly. Many people think church's are filled with people who have it all together and that is the farthest thing from the truth. While there are many who do "have it all together" there are probably more who don't and are just broken in some way. My church has a program called Celebrate Recovery and there have been people who have come from the depths of the gutter and turned their lives around. My church meets you where you are no matter how broken. I'm glad to know that they were going, it's just my hope that the church was welcoming to them as I know there are some churches that are not welcoming to people who are really hurting and broken and I find that so disheartening.

    Boy is that ever the truth about our d_c's!

    I think this is very common. I too had people and some family that thought I had turned my back on my son. They can believe what they want, until they have lived in my shoes or the shoes of any parent on this forum they will never understand.

    Isn't it just so sad that some people think this way.

    I too have been on the receiving end of this. My son has posted several time on social media that I don't love or care about him. Funny how he never posts about ALL that I have done for him, how much money I have spent on him, etc......
    When we stop enabling they only see it as abandonment.

    Yes they are but it's also their choice. There are many people with mental illness who manage to live a responsible and fulfilled life. They choose to go to therapy and take medication. It's not that there isn't help for people it's that people choose to not to be helped.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sorry - it isn't that simple.
    Yes, there are many people with mental illness who manage to end up with a combination of medications and therapies/therapists who actually provide what they need, and enable them to live a responsible and fulfilled life. They are almost always working with a single mental illness, and find good medications and therapists early in the process.

    However. There are a LOT of people for whom none of the medications work - or, one medication will help with one diagnosis and work against a second diagnosis, or the one medication that works also causes severe physical health issues... And it's a long shot whether therapy works for complex, multi-diagnosis cases.

    There are many people who have chosen to be helped - and there is NO help out there for them. In fact, the medical, and mental health, and police, and school, systems out there work against these people on a very consistent basis. I know. We live it. Daily.
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  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you for your input, you have helped me to see this from a different perspective. I speak from the "small" amount of mental illness I have been around. I truly appreciate your feedback.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ic is absolutely right for some of the mentally ill. But there is no excuse for not trying to get help. It took me ten years to find the right medications and therapy but I did not abuse drugs to feel better. Its an option not to self medicate.

    I have a laundry list of a lifetime of mental health issues and learning differences...
    Mood disorder with suicidal, ideation, severe non verbal learning disabilit, other learning difficulties, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
    Through.the years and constantly trying to improve, I DID improve on every level and my life has been good and getting better since my 40s on up.

    Sadly, some people can't be helped. I know people who are never quite right. And they have tried. But I know just as many mentally ill who made sure they'd definitely stay sick by abusing drugs in ways not prescribed by a psychiatrist. If you are taking psychiatric medications you need to give many of them 6 to up to 8 weeks to kick in. And adding alcohol or even pot can make the prescribed medications useless. You cant mix the medications with your own little additions.

    Suicide is sad. One has to feel hopeless to be there. I have. Im glad now I didnt do it. I was so suicidal I considered asking for ECT.

    That was when I finally found an antidepressant that has made me able to live normally, when ten other ones had not worked enough. At the time it was a brand new medication and a miracle for me. Never give up since new ones with less side effects keep becoming invented and one never knows which will work for hIM. I didnt expect this new work sinse none of the others had

    So glad girlfriends mom softened and wishing everyone healing.
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    Last edited: Apr 20, 2016
  16. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Tired, I'm so relieved mother relented and will include your son. I hope that it will help him find his peace ultimately.

    I used to think suicide was a reasonable option, that by my choosing to wake up, I would still at least have control over that, if nothing else. But suicide leaves behind nothing but scorched earth and limitless guilt for the survivors. The self-doubt - how could we all have missed it? We could have prevented it if we'd known, and how could we have not known?

    What I finally told my son was that this was B's choice. It seriously sucks, but it was her choice to make. It was NOT his fault, or because he did or didn't X, Y, or Z. It wasn't because she didn't love him, or did love him. It is just one of those things that we are never going to get a meaningful answer for, because there is absolutely no answer that will make this make sense.

    Take care of yourself, Tired, and please remind your son to take care of himself too. Simple stuff like remembering to eat....

    Gentle hugs to you.
  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am sorry, Tired. Who knows what might have been going through her head, to come to a place of such hopelessness? And who knows if she would have felt better tomorrow? Suicide is permanent, even though the reasons for doing so might anywhere from permanent to very transient. There will never be an answer.

    I am so happy to hear this. Perhaps they can help each other through their loss.

    How much that must have stung for you, Tired. Money and doing for those who should do for themselves is not the answer, clearly. You were doing the right thing, for him as well as for yourself.
  18. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    These are the tragedies Shakespeare's play were made of. What a sad ending for a girl who probably struggled all of her life. I'm sorry she was not able to reconcile the issues in her life. I hope she finds peace now.

    I'm sorry for your son's loss and your broken heart. I hope over time your son can find his way to a more positive future.

    Blessings to all involved.
  19. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member


    I am sorry to hear of your son's girlfriend's death. I was going to suggest that the two of you plan some sort of memorial for her on your own. I'm glad to hear the mother decided to include him in the funeral plans. You may wish to look for a suicide survivors support group in your area. Processing the death of someone you love to suicide is more difficult than a loss from other causes. Please reassure your son that he did not cause her death. I've made sense out of the suicides in our family by placing the blame on mental illness. It's a serious illness, doctors and medications are more frustrating than helpful, and the illness sometimes ends in death.

    I hope your son can find peace.
  20. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you everyone. I thought my son would be the one to commit suicide, not his girlfriend. He sent me dark poetry and said he wrote them when he wanted to die, I ask if he still did and he said no, he was just mad at God. The loss of her sister less than a year ago was so difficult for her. The signs were there, she posted messages about seeing her sister soon, how life wasn't worth living.

    The thing is, you can not force these individuals to seek help! I have called clinics and the police to check on my son when they had a fight and he cut himself and threatened suicide. He was Baker Acted twice, they keep them for a day or two and release them.

    My son told me counselors are dumb a**es and when he finds one as smart as he is he will talk to them. They look for instant cures! That's where the drugs and alcohol come in (in my opinion). It numbs them, the problem is, the problems are still there after the drugs and alcohol wear off.

    If they will not help themselves, the only thing we can do is learn to detach and take care of ourselves. This is the part that we get judged for! So many see this as we no longer love them, so very untrue!

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