Soon to be ex is such a .........

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Dec 6, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    He just doesn't get it ever!!!! Poor easy child was crying hysterically on the phone with him last night.

    My grandmother left both my children a nice sum of money that at times I wish she never had. At the age of 18 all the grandchildren are made aware of it. I was able to work with the probate judge these past 2 years so my difficult child is not aware of his yet thank god, but probably will be this spring.

    Any who, easy child knows where she's going to school and exactly how much it's going to cost, plus she wants to invest the rest of the money. She has an almost 10 year old car which the transmission just went on and many other things probably will soon, so she decided she wants to use some of the money to get herself a nice car to travel back and forth to school with, as she is going to live home. s2bx is so totally against this and giving her such a hard time, but then of course tries to make me responsible, as always, for his decisions.

    Oh and before I forget, when she was at his house the other day he said if she's going to get rid of her car, his girlfriend's daughter will need a car soon. What a way to win your daughters heart. That made her cry too.

    So anyway, she calls him last night and asks him if he will go look at a car with her tonight and he tells he no. He doesn't support her spending any of the money on a car and that she should just fix and keep the one she has. She started crying on the phone telling him she can't believe that he won't go look at a car with his own daughter and that she thought it would be something he would want to go do with her. She was hysterical fighting with him. Then get this! he says let me talk to your mother and if she support you buying a car, then I'll go look at it. So he calls me and says he doesn't support her buying a car in any way, but if I support it he'll go look at it. I told him in a way I support it, and in a way I don't, but that his decision of whether to go look at it with her or not is not my responsibility. I said, if you don't support it then don't go and she'll find somebody else to look at it. If you support it, then go. Then he says, oh sure if I don't go then I'm the bad guy as usual!!!! No idiot, your the bad guy because you don't know how to talk to your daughter and be a father to her, all you do is yell at her and make her cry.
    So then he gets back on the phone and tells her he'll go with her. Now she's even more upset because she could hear him yelling at me on the phone and trying to make his decision my responsibility.

    I have gone through this with him forever. He can't make a decision and take responsibility for it. He needs someone else to blame if it's the wrong one.

    So now he's going to pick her up from work tonight, take her to look at a car and then out for pizza like a star father. I wonder if he's bringing Judy along??????? She will flip!!
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Make sure she finds out what kind of a trade-in she can get for her old car. At least then she won't have to worry about someone getting it.

    I'm not even sure what his reluctance is in her getting it. As long as she doesn't get something extravagant, her reasoning makes perfect sense. Get something safe, reasonable and reliable, preferably very good on gas mileage.

    I hope she's factoring all the additional costs of college such as books, lab fees, etc. before she decides how much she can spend on a car. Those additional fees add up quickly!
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Your daughter obviously already knows he's not a Star Father.
    I wouldn't sweat it that much; I'd sit back and watch him dig himself in deeper.
    I am so sorry your daughter is stuck with-such an indecisive dad ... not to mention irresponsible.
    Tacky, soooo tacky that he said his girlfriend's daughter needed a used car.
    So sorry.
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    He should be glad he doesn't have to help pay for college! It's her money and it sounds like she has a good plan for the future. A reliable car is neccesary. Yuck, he says his girlfriend's kid could have her car. Shame on him for making her feel bad.-Alyssa
  5. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    my kids have almost the exact same situation, except it's a relative of the ex that left them the money.

    When NF was stationed in Norfolk originally, he wanted to purchase a used truck to be able to drive home on long weekends. He also wanted to take out a partial loan on it to establish credit. In other words, he really wasn't removing a lot from the trust account.
    The ex had a fit, but it WAS NF's money by that time. Instead of asking his father's opinion on the truck (such as getting the Carfax report, looking up reliability reports, etc.) he asked me to do so. He bought the truck with my advice, not his father's.


    I hope your daughter has a better day today.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    He's clueless.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Make sure she gets a trade-in value on the car. If he wants it for girlfriend's daughter, he should give her that amount toward the new car. Otherwise she's out the bucks and the "zero" is the "hero" to the girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter.

    What a tool!
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Karen, my ex turned into the classic "Hollywood Dad" the minute we got divorced.

    I agree with Star.


  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    It's not written in stone that it has to be the father that goes with her to look at cars! If he's being such a tool about going with her, he probably won't be much help once they get there, or he will try to discourage her! You would think that a father would want his daughter to be driving a safe, reliable car! Do you know anything about cars? If you don't, you must surely have a mechanically inclined friend or relative who would be willing to go with her.

    Is he saying that she should just <u>GIVE</u> her old car to the girlfriend's daughter! Why on earth would she want to do that! He's only thinking of how good HE will look to the girlfriend and his "new family"! "Mister Generosity"! She needs to trade it in on whatever new one she gets - whatever they give her for it, it's that much less that she has to pay for the new one! She might as well just write the girlfriend's kid a check and be done with it! Is he nuts?!?!?

    And incidentally, even if she agreed to this craziness (which I'm sure she won't), he wouldn't be doing the girlfriend's daughter much of a favor ... giving her an old car that needs a lot of repairs.
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    What an intelligence challenged gluteus maximus. Hugs to your easy child. I've got a father that's similar. Even though you realize what kind of person they are, it doesn't make it hurt less.
  12. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Karen,
    just wanted to say I think you did a great job of responding to your stbx. You put the responsibility right back on him--great job!
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    He's definitely a toad.

    I think I would help easy child learn how to turn the tables around in this scenario. Instead of constantly pleading and expecting him to step up to the plate and be there for her, she should instead ask a trusted friend to look at the car with her. Perhaps you and a close friend with a little knowledge about cars would be better. And once the decision is made, without dad's input, she should either sell the old car or use it for a trade in. Totally sidewipe old dad and when he asks her what happened to the car? Why didn't he go with her?, she can just say, "Oh, you sounded too busy so I took care of it myself."

    Part of your easy child growing from these awful experiences with her father is to accept him for the way he is right now. She needs to learn not to allow him to turn her into a shriveling mess of tears every time he lets her down. It took a while for my easy child to the point where she accepts the limitations on her relationship with her dad, but she did finally when she was about 14/15. We had to do some role playing along the way to help her process certain disappointing situations and deal with her feelings about him. She and her dad are closer now because she "showed" him that she is strong and can survive without him and in turn it made him step up to the plate for fear of being forgotten altogether. For my difficult child it's taken a bit longer, but she's almost there I believe.

    Hugs to easy child - I hope she can weather this without too much damage being done.
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You know what the worst thing in all of this is? His impulsiveness once again started this and he doesn't want to take responsibility. Two weeks ago he looked at her car for her and she came home telling me that he said he'd take her looking at cars in the next few weeks. When I asked him about this his response was, she was aggrivating me about the car so I told her that to shut her up!!!! So once again I'm dealing with the back lash of him not thinking before he opens his mouth!!!!
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    He's a jerk and he will probably never change.

    When I was growing up, my dad didn't pay child support and couldn't even be bothered to call me on a regular basis (months would go by) but was sending his girlfriend's daughter to private school.

    When I moved this past weekend, he offered to come up and help. I didn't take him up on it, but my mom did. He drove an hour and a half to get here. He was only here about 30 minutes. My dryer cord needed changed from the 4-prong outlet to a 3-prong outlet. Apparently, though, my dad got a call from some people saying they were in his driveway...they wanted to go hunting. These aren't friends of my dad's; they're acquaintances. My dad doesn't hunt. They were in his driveway because he has 20 acres and they wanted to hunt on his land. He couldn't change the dryer plug because he had to get home so these people could hunt. He couldn't tell them that he was helping his daughter. One of the movers changed the dryer cord for me.

    I *know* that I cannot count on my dad and have never been able to. It still hurts, though. I don't know if you ever get past just get to a point where it doesn't hurt as bad and it's no longer surprising.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    she was aggrivating me about the car so I told her that to shut her up!!!! So once again I'm dealing with the back lash of him not thinking before he opens his mouth!!!!


  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Karen. I doubt she is mature enough to learn the major lesson in this saga...she (and only she) makes decisions
    about her life. She can ask your advice or her Dad's input but
    SHE needs to take ownership. Otherwise she will end up like you.
    She'll be a wonderful person who loses her sense of self as she
    nurtures others.

    It's a hard lesson. I learned in my late 20's. Some people learn it in their 70's. I hope that somehow, tactfully, she can
    be led to thinking and acting independently. It's OK for her to
    cry. It's OK for her to be angry. It's OK for her to do anything that allows her to feel her feelings..including enjoying
    pizza with her Dad but knowing that her decision is hers alone.
  18. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member




  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    How did the outing go for easy child, Karen? DDD