Sorry for all the drama. Now dealing with abusive father..(long).

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Mar 21, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Boy, I feel like a pest. Nothing as been smooth lately, so where do I come? Here. At the very least it's a place to blog and if nobody is interested it'll just drop off the page.

    I'll try to do the short version.
    Ok, there IS no short version. I'll do it in parts...
    Part One:
    My father is a wealthy, but very stingy man. And when I say stingy, I mean he still begrudges us the braces we wore as children (I had teeth that had come in backwards). He would not pay for my sister to go to college and she had to take out a loan and pay it back. When I told him I was getting divorced about fifteen years ago, he said, "Well, don't look to me for any help. I'm broke." To indicate that he wasn't broke, he traveled all over the world during that time, and saved a lot of money toward his travels by living with his extremely wealthy lady friend. She never charged him rent and he just stashed the money away. He doesn't buy his grandchildren birthday presents because it costs too much.

    Part Two:
    My mother had never gotten along with me and, as I expected, she disinherited me. It's a long story, and both of us were at fault, I think, but she was difficult. I guess I can be too, but she was difficult AND unforgiving. Ok, so when she passed on I had to know that she thought so little of me she didn't even instruct my brother, the executor of the will, to let me go through her pictures and maybe take one as a memory (I don't know why I wanted one, but I did). And, trust me, my lovely siblings never offered to give me even one memory. All this time, my Dad and I were on speaking terms. He was never Dad of the Year. He once told us all "You never gave me ONE moment of pleasure, not one" and he meant it, but he did call us to see what was going on with our lives (or more importantly to tell us what is going on with his life--he never really cared about our lives.)

    Part Three:
    I have always been very broke, and I knew my dad, unlike my mom, would leave my something. Or so I thought. And often I let him abuse me because I didn't want to tick him off and get disinherited (again). And, trust me, it's kind of hard to stay quiet when he's yelling at me that I'm a "hillbilly" because I live in the country and that "you should have married a rich man" (I love my hub a lot--he's a great man). But, being a bit greedy, I put up with his abusiveness, sometimes combatting him, but not too often and I always said "I love you" at the end of our conversations because I do love him. He's my Dad.

    Part Four:
    My Dad is turning 85. I suggested to my siblings that we throw him a party. THey agreed and bro got an airline ticket. The week of the party was the week that I truly wondered if hub and I were going to end up homeless. I was a step away from a mental institution and just not myself. I happened to mention in an e-mail to my sister, who was having the party at her house, that I hadn't slept all week and I couldn't eat and that right now I didn't even know if I was well enough to go to the party. She never called me to talk about it (I would have gone to the party, even if I had to drag myself there). An hour later I get an e-mail that she has canceled the party and told my brother to cancel his ticket and told me to tell everyone not to come. She said if I wasn't going to be there, there was no point to a party at all.

    Part Five:
    Shocked, I called her and she just said "I have problems too" and got off the phone in a huff. I felt horrible. It was a surprise party and my idea and now it was called off. I called my dad the next day to at least let him know we had thought of him and had planned the party, but that it had gotten canceled, but MY family (kids and all) would still like to throw him a party. I didn't blame my sister. But I didn't expect him to whine and mumble, "I don't wnat to talk to you know. It's done and it's over and I don't want a party anymore." He hung up. I called back. He said, "So you're mad at me, eh????" He hung up again. I often tell my sister I'm mad at him. SHe often tells me she's mad at him. WE NEVER TELL HIM WHAT WE SAY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE WILL NEVER FORGIVE US. Until now. She must have said, "Pam is mad at you so I'm canceling the party." He obviously knew about it before I called him. Nice of her, huh? So he refuses to talk to me at all. Ever. He hangs up if I call or puts it into autom voicemail. I am crushed. I lost my mother and now my dad is doing the same thing she did. Hub is great support. He told me just to forget it--the family is nuts (they are)--and that we don't need his money. Part of greedy me still wants his money, but my heart is what hurts the most.
    I finally changed my cell phone # and we're moving next week. He won't be able to contact me easily anymore. Why did I do such a dorky thing? Well, it hurts too much to hear the silent phone not ringing. My Dad has the ability to walk away from any of us and never look back. And he's doing that to me. At least, with a new number, I can pretend he's calling, but he can't get through. I can pretend he's writing to me, but doesn't have my address (I know, I know...they forward the mail, but I don't wanna hear that, don't wanna, not listening...covering ears...)
    As for sister, she has done so much during the years, I want no part of her. But my heart is so broken.
    Any perky words? I can sure use them. I did see my therapist and she told me that I seem to be much different from the rest of my family because I actually value the feelings of the members. Yet I feel like it's my fault because it's me who is always the one being left out. My Dad will be able to get my phone number if he really wants to. He can call my kids. But he won't. I know he won't. What do you tell yourself when both parents disliked you and disinherited you and treated you like last weeks garbage? And when the sister you have tried to help (especially lately) tries to get you in trouble with Dad (and succeeds) like we are both six years old?
    Well, if you stuck with this, thanks. This forum does make a good blog. Sorry for being such a whiner this week :(
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2009
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    My heart breaks for you, MWM. That is just horrible. I think I'm the most mad at your sister. Why would she do that to you? I'm just so sorry. That is not what family is supposed to be about. Your husband sounds awesome and I'm glad you have his support.

    You have been a source of support to this forum and to me personally over the years and I appreciate you.

    I wish I had words of advice or wisdom but I'm dumbfounded. I just don't understand how anyone could treat their children the way your parents did. Your dad sounds very unhappy and your sister sounds like a spoiled brat.

    Hugs of support,

  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    MWM, difficult child 1 says when the people who should love you don't, you love the people that DO love and don't have to even more.

    His bio parents spent his entire life less than 20 miles from him and neither had anything to do with him. It broke his heart.

    Perhaps you can write dad a letter. Just pen it for now, then hang onto it for a while. Wait til its not so raw, and revisit it. Send it then, if it still applies.

    I'm sorry this is happening. You have every right to grieve.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am so sorry. I had great parents, but my siblings are much older than me, and had very little contact with me. My oldest has millions and has said so. Another brother is very wealthy. Wasn't until my mothers funeral that I overheard them talking. I was not considered a part of the family --- from my siblings because I had easy child and wasn't married. Then at the funeral my sister met with the minister and the minister said in front of the entire church that my mother raised MY son. How can that be? I lived on my own and I moved away when he was 7.

    I don't mean to put my story in your post, just wanted to let you know that I too have siblings that live in a different world. I send them birthday wishes every year. Yet they don't even KNOW my birthday. Heck, they planned my mothers funeral ON my birthday last year. They waited a week for my brother to get home and planned it ON my birthday.

    I decided when I left town that I do not want to see them again. I feel bad for difficult child not having family though. I don't say bad things to him or in front of him. I just have no desire to see them. They are all well off, I am not. They sit around and talk about all the money and "things" they have. I too have a life, but they are not interested.

    I talk to one sister. She fills be in on the others.

    I know how much your heart hurts. And I know how you dream of a happy family and happy times together. And for me, I am so jealous of all the people I know that have family get togethers. Nobody can understand until they've been there.

    Just remember ONE thing. THEY lose. They don't know YOU or your husband. And most of all...they have missed out on some pretty special people. YOUR kids. It is THERE loss. They are missing out on some special family moments that YOU have. YOUR memories. YOUR traditions. You plan your family get togethers and create YOUR family memories.

    Thinking of you.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, one thing I learned is that there are very few really happy families. I think my parents are out of the mainstream even for unhappy families, but there are people who get together and just tolerate each other and brothers and sisters who really compete.
    Still, I'm dumbfounded at sister. It may not shock you that she has called the cops on me about ten times. She was never in any danger from me. I did throw a gym shoe at her door once because she called me to tell me she never wanted to talk to me again and wouldn't tell me why and it hurt me and I wanted to know and when she wouldn't answer her door, I took off my gym shoe and wrote something nasty on it and threw it. So that was Cop #1. Then a ton of times flew by when she called the cops because I left messages on her phone or e-mailed her. She would call it "harassment" to the point that I stopped ever leaving messages or e-mailing her because I never knew when she wouldn't want me to. Once she actually called the cops because I told her I was getting an MRI. She didn't want to know that--I'm not sure why--but I"m sure the cop in town (we don't have too many) thinks she's stark raving nuts. And since it IS a small town, she had no problem trashing me to the cop, whose daughter is my kid's good friend. And she really thinks he took her seriouisly because of his demeanor. What is he supposed to say? "You're crazy?" Of course he pretended he took her seriously, but he didn't--he laughed about it with me.
    I'm just glad I moved out of state. All of us have problems and they don't mix well.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    MWM, I have read several notes about your parents. You've been very patient.
    People on the outside could see this coming: Dysfunctional family, everyone takes everything personally, gossips, distorts things, catastrophizes, never gets to the core issues, cuts everyone out.
    I would go ahead with-the grieving process. Don't try to change anything right now. No matter whether you caused this issue or not, someone or something would have caused it. It was an accident waiting to happen.
    Just give it and your family time and space. Think of the Serenity Prayer.
    I am so sorry.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow, Terry, THANKS!
    I loved your advice. You're right. Something would have happened. Our family should never try to do anything together, and it's time for me to learn that and to move on and not worry about what they do or say. I seem to be the family scapegoat so...why am I allowing it? :redface:
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My heart hurts for you. Many, many hugs.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM....My mom was stark raving crazy. I am her only child and she attempted to cut we out of her will by leaving everything to my oldest son and nothing to anyone else...nothing to either of my other kids. There was a condition that if I was to be able to show the executor of the will that I was homeless and needed medication I could have up to $10 one Whooped dee do. Me homeless was her greatest wish on earth. Unfortunately for her, she got sick first and I got power of attorney and her will became useless because by the time she died she had nothing left.

    Of course, that also meant I cared for her for several years after she got sick. I guess it was worth it.
  10. SkunkMomma

    SkunkMomma New Member

    I don't have any advice because my family remains close, but I would cut off all relations with the siblings. Dad is a different story. He has not been a good dad but he is your dad. I would write a letter---only nice things--tell him only good things---don't ask for anything---tell him about the kids--ask for some info on WWII if he was in the war, tell him one kid has to interview a veteran. Older men love to talk about the war. If he wasn't in the war then I don't know---Get the kids to write him something about what they are doing.. Give him you new number and address and just see if he uses it. Follow the old saying "kill them with kindness". Also, pray that he changes his attitude. I am a big believer in prayer. The next step will be his.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    MWM first of all wills can be contested successfully. ;)

    I wonder if sister told him you were mad at him so he wouldn't blast the messanger? Odds are she's got her eye on that money, too. We're all human.

    In another post I told you that my Mom disowns me regularly, and she does. But for her it's a powerplay and control issue. I use the same detachment skills I use with the kids on her. lol

    I know you love your Dad and his rejection hurts. Detachment is the best way to handle it for now I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to about this craziness.

  12. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member


    I'm so sorry. I get exactly what you're saying. I have severed all contact with my family because of situations like this, I can even say I know exactly how you feel right now!

    Keep your head up. You are in control of your feelings and happiness, not them.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did write a nice letter. Thanks for the advice. Actually, he doesn't really care what my kids are doing (believe it or not--he can't even remember the name of his great-grandson who was born 84 years after him--and one day). He really usually just wants to talk about himself and (believe it or not) his current girlfriend. I did ask about her and if he's gone to any dances, which he loves to do. He was in the war, but he would never talk about it. Ever. He was actually in WWII--he's one of the last ones left. And I do love him a lot.

    Sister has had tons of chances and something in her--she's just different. She gets offended easily and takes things wrong.
    Brother is a nice guy way off in NJ and it's hard to reach him. I've tried. We aren't really close.

    I am praying a lot in my own way. But I am also trying to distance myself--detach. I know that there is no way to control anyone in my family--they are all control freaks. It's a miracle that I am a halfway good! I'm nothing like they are with my kids. I don't understand how they can't love their kids unconditionally--it's just something that parents do. Oh, well. Thanks!
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I have a mom like your dad, I let her go from my life, never even thinking about her. She isn't worthy, and it's upsetting. DO THAT!!! Seriously! Do not speak to these people, it will upset you, life is short. Some people have fun, yes FUN, hurting others. Your kids don't deserve to have this relative in their lives, they're too good for that kind of treatment, and so are you. You can't control them, but you can control you. They're not worthy of you, your kids, or your husband! Do not feel bad about the party, or anything, sadly strangers treat us better than our parents sometimes, or all the time. How sad they missed out the good person you are, and your kids birthdays, shame on them!-Alyssa
  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I get it.
    I have had the wall of detachment up for a long time.
    I tried to reconnect again with my brother and dad for the girls sake. Why bother? Some people are just evil, will never change, are just plain old jerks!

    I used to hate hearing from people, "But they are your family!"

    Well, in my mind a family member would never destroy, hurt, break another family members soul like mine did.

    So I built the wall... I let time go by. I have my own family.
    I stopped caring about my Fathers will a long time ago. I have no clue how much money he has. I believe it is a lot. He cut me out when I was in my teens.
    I told him not to even put my kids in it.

    At some point I decided the pain and humility that my family inflicted on me was just not worth it.

    After this little reunion, I will keep contact with my kids few and far between.

    I understand how you feel. We are taught from child hood that family is supposed to be this magical thing.
    It is sad when we wake up and realize it never was and never will be.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can not tell you how much your wonderful, wise answers helped me. I love you all.
    I am going to practice Detachment 101. And you are all so right. Your family is not who is genetically related to you. It's who cares about you and who allows you to care about them back--no strings, no conditions.
    I feel that way about you guys. I just hope I'm doing my part on the board. I try hard to give my input--and will try even harder. You all picked me up when nobody else really understood.
    Bless all of you wise, wonderful souls.
  17. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    wow - I think we should all just form our own "sisterhood" and leave it at that!!

    My mom has disowned me several times - the last time was when I married husband. She's a "good Catholic" and me, being divorced and remarried, well, "good Catholics" don't do that. Do "good Catholics" disown their only child? Any wonder I was closer to my dad (who has been dead for 23 years, which is why my mother now gets away with what she does)?

    The only reason she now talks to me is when she asked my oldest (even when she disowned me, I didn't withhold contact from the kids) what he wanted for Christmas and he told her he wanted her and I to talk.

    But she knows I just "tolerate" her, and she knows that if she starts into one of her power trips of criticism, I will walk out or hang up.

    I'm sorry MWM - want to be my sister?
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, YES!!!!
    I could use somebody who really acts like a sister....

  19. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh,boy! Can I relate (no pun intended) to what you are feeling. All I ever wanted from my mother was her love and respect. She owed me a childhood. No matter what I did she was never satisfied, repeatedly asked me to be more like my cousin, more like the kid down the block, ANYBODY but myself. When a little kid feels unloved by her mom, I think she must feel unloved by God himself.

    My mom did disown me the day before she died. The case has lasted 6 years, I'm getting a chunk of money in the settlement. My walls are now a fortress! Only my kids can hurt me now. Now I can go buy myself a childhood.

    Hey, Skeeter! Is your mom Polish?
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I was going to suggest you write him a letter, but you've already done that.

    All you would need to say is, "I don't know what you've been told that I said, but if you didn't hear it from me, then don't assume it's true. I care about you, I wanted to do something nice for you but with all the worry of having to move plus my health - I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get myself there. However, I would have done my utmost to be there if I could and would have at least been happy knowing that the party was going ahead even if I couldn't make it.
    We aer moving - our new contact details will be... we would love to hear from you whenever you want to chat or drop in. Luvya."

    Nothing more needs to be said.

    As for your sister - stop confiding your feelings to her. I tihnk she's channelling your mother.