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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 632410" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am glad you joined us. </p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>I used to blame myself all the time, too. My son too came up with exactly the things I most regretted doing or not doing to justify pinning his drug use on me.</p><p></p><p>Man, I was so miserable! My life devolved into one episode after another of how to help difficult child, of how to make up for whatever it was I had done that had made him vulnerable to drugs.</p><p></p><p>Year after year after year, I did that. </p><p></p><p>I felt like such a dirty, fraudulent failure, like I must be stupid somehow in a way that didn't show.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this id happening to your husband. His son's addiction was not caused by the divorce. </p><p></p><p>That is a game the addict and the mother are playing.</p><p></p><p>That is the same game every addict plays with his family, in one version or another. The problem is not that a divorce occurred.</p><p></p><p>The problem is the son's drug addiction and his addict lifestyle. </p><p></p><p>You cannot help or change a practicing addict. </p><p></p><p>If he refuses treatment there is literally nothing you or anyone else can do to help him.</p><p></p><p>You can help yourselves.</p><p></p><p>The benefit of the groups mentioned by MWM and Recovering is that, as we listen to other parents, we begin to realize that, however we raised our addicted kids -- religiously or not, never married, divorced or single parent, lots of money or no money at all, working mom or mom at home -- our stories are all so similar.</p><p></p><p>It isn't long after that that we begin to understand, to really get it, that none of this is our fault.</p><p></p><p>That there is no deep, dark, secret shame the difficult child is running from.</p><p></p><p>The difficult child is an addict.</p><p></p><p>That is what addicts do.</p><p></p><p>They blame and accuse and manipulate.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a terminal disease.</p><p></p><p>There is some question about which came first, the drug use or the mental illness, the depression.</p><p></p><p>They do seem to go together.</p><p></p><p>One of the moms here has helped us all to understand that a mental illness is not an excuse.</p><p></p><p>It is just a fact. It does not justify irresponsible behaviors or drug use.</p><p></p><p>Just the opposite. </p><p></p><p>As you (and husband, too) read here, and post as you feel to, you will find that, like you, we have all been through so much. We hear one another's stories. We help one another stand strong in the face of one of the most destructive things that can happen to a family.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here with us now, and glad you decided to post.</p><p></p><p>Nothing about watching another human being self destruct is pleasant. None of it is pretty. Families are destroyed, retirements are spent, stress related illnesses come. Until we learn how to survive the devastation of our lives, the unremitting self destruction of those we love and feel responsible for will destroy us, and will destroy our marriages. </p><p></p><p>But we can learn to see and understand differently. Once that happens, we can learn to function through the pain.</p><p></p><p>It isn't easy.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 632410, member: 17461"] I am glad you joined us. :0) I used to blame myself all the time, too. My son too came up with exactly the things I most regretted doing or not doing to justify pinning his drug use on me. Man, I was so miserable! My life devolved into one episode after another of how to help difficult child, of how to make up for whatever it was I had done that had made him vulnerable to drugs. Year after year after year, I did that. I felt like such a dirty, fraudulent failure, like I must be stupid somehow in a way that didn't show. I am so sorry this id happening to your husband. His son's addiction was not caused by the divorce. That is a game the addict and the mother are playing. That is the same game every addict plays with his family, in one version or another. The problem is not that a divorce occurred. The problem is the son's drug addiction and his addict lifestyle. You cannot help or change a practicing addict. If he refuses treatment there is literally nothing you or anyone else can do to help him. You can help yourselves. The benefit of the groups mentioned by MWM and Recovering is that, as we listen to other parents, we begin to realize that, however we raised our addicted kids -- religiously or not, never married, divorced or single parent, lots of money or no money at all, working mom or mom at home -- our stories are all so similar. It isn't long after that that we begin to understand, to really get it, that none of this is our fault. That there is no deep, dark, secret shame the difficult child is running from. The difficult child is an addict. That is what addicts do. They blame and accuse and manipulate. Addiction is a terminal disease. There is some question about which came first, the drug use or the mental illness, the depression. They do seem to go together. One of the moms here has helped us all to understand that a mental illness is not an excuse. It is just a fact. It does not justify irresponsible behaviors or drug use. Just the opposite. As you (and husband, too) read here, and post as you feel to, you will find that, like you, we have all been through so much. We hear one another's stories. We help one another stand strong in the face of one of the most destructive things that can happen to a family. I am glad you are here with us now, and glad you decided to post. Nothing about watching another human being self destruct is pleasant. None of it is pretty. Families are destroyed, retirements are spent, stress related illnesses come. Until we learn how to survive the devastation of our lives, the unremitting self destruction of those we love and feel responsible for will destroy us, and will destroy our marriages. But we can learn to see and understand differently. Once that happens, we can learn to function through the pain. It isn't easy. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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