Sorry I haven't been around much, I had a rough couple of weeks

[Mom2oddson]

I'm sorry that I haven't been around to offer much support. It's not that I don't think about my wonderful board family often. I just didn't have anything to give. I actually broke. That's the best way to explain what happened.

We went to visit easy child at college. On the second day there, easy child sits me down and says, "Now that things are getting better in your life, I think you are in a spot where you can actually handle what I have to tell you." .... not what a Mom wants to hear.

While easy child was in High School, he had severe bully issues. Issues he could no longer deal with on his own and he refused to add any more to my plate because I already had 2 difficult children, a mother in law from heck, and a husband who at that time was still an active alcholic. So, easy child turned to drugs. He said he had a bad drug problem in High School. And part of the reason he picked a College so far away was to get away from the drugs and to get clean. He was able to with help through the college.

I didn't break because easy child had a drug problem. The fact that he finished High School, got into College and is in his 4th year, it couldn't have been that bad of a problem. And he's clean now.

What broke me was the fact that my kid didn't come to me because my life was too full of stress that he didn't want to add his to my plate. I've never felt like a failure as a parent no matter how bad the difficult child or mother in law crud got..... But I do feel like I failed easy child. It broke my heart. .... Actually, it shattered me.

I'm slowly putting the pieces together. I don't know if I'll have a lot to offer anyone for a while. I'm still trying to find my footing in life...again. Oh and add to that, Ant is now trying out for difficult child King.

Just when you think that life is going to settle down, it turns upside down again. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[DaisyFace]

I'm so sorry.... How devastating!

Sounds like your easy child is still trying hard to do the right things, though....and clearly wants to continue a close relationship with you.

I know that you are hurt - but maybe just a little proud, too? easy child sounds like a very caring and responsible person.

(((hugs)))

 

[keista]

((((((HUGS)))))))

You know, I don't think you failed him at all. I think you raised a strong, focused, resilient easy child! I promise you, he is not the first easy child to have done drugs, and certainly not the last. Through out it all, he was a easy child. And even now he is a easy child waiting for an "appropriate" time to share his shortcomings and his success. You did not fail him, you helped create him. It was your hand in raising him that helped him help himself.


((((((HUGS))))))

 

[DDD]

Likely in true easy child fashion he felt guilty about his choices, knew that you could not "cure" the problem and had to work through his issues before acknowledging them. That is not a kid who felt rejected or unloved. That's a kid who knew right from wrong because of how he was raised, with a loving Mom and the awareness of personal responsibility. You should not feel badly. You should feel proud. Hugs. DDD

 

[Jody]

He sounds like a wonderful son. Very thoughful and certainly seems to care about his mom very much. Hang in there and feel blessed that he loves you very much and is a strong person and has grown from his experience. A lot of young adults would never have felt comfortable talking with their mom or dad about something like this. I think you have a lot to be proud of.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

I agree wholeheartedly with DDD.

I realize what he told you the reasons are that he didn't come to you, and at the time they probably were the reasons. But being a easy child, he probably would have done the same thing even if you hadn't had a full plate at the time. Why? Because he wouldn't want to put that sort of problem, his problem, onto you.

I can say that both as a mom of a very capable easy child, and as someone who over a lifetime has done similar. My poor mom wants to "fix" and to "help" the situation I'm in right now almost to the point of desperation. Not knowing what else to do, she wants to give me money and is frustrated I won't discuss finances with her. It's not that I don't appreciate her or even know that she's trying to do what she feels she can to help. It's that money, even though my financial situation isn't great to say the least, isn't going to help or fix anything. Not unless she won the lottery and neglected to tell anyone. So to tell her my finances would only cause her more worry. Which is why I'm evading her. Because I am a easy child these days, I'm working it out for myself, like an an independent adult does. Know what I mean?? easy child is helping me because she's close enough to actually do that, mom is two states away and isn't able to do that sort of thing or I'd let her help me with that if it would make her feel better.

Your son recognized his problem, did what needed to be done, and then told you about it so that you couldn't be blind sided with it later under different circumstances. You have much to be proud of in him. That confidence and capability was taught to him by you. So you've no reason to feel guilty or that you failed him. He learned from you well enough to stand on his own and solve a serious problem, one that in all honesty, could be done no other way. And he felt so comfortable with you to tell you about it.

 

[Shari]

Ditto lisa.

Tho I understand your feelings, I think she nailed it. I bet if you ask him if he'd have come to you if he couldn't have solved this on his own, that he will tell you he would have.

You have a lot to be proud of AND a lot to digest. But in no way shape or form did you fail him. You set a standard of seeing a problem and fixing it!

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{mom2oddson}}} I agree with everyone else; you didn't fail him at all! Be gentle with yourself, I understand where you're coming from, but just like we can't pinpoint our role in creating a difficult child, I often marvel at my 23dd was/is a easy child - I often swear it was by a pure miracle.

Celebrate in the fact that he recognized the problem, handled this on his own by seeking out the necessary tools help himself (something we are always trying to get our difficult children to do), so he could then come to you with it. Be proud you raised such a strong human being.

 

[shellyd67]

Just the fact that he told you all his past issues and opened to you shows what a great job you did raising him.

Please don't beat yourself up. We all do the best with what we have be given.

Take comfort in the fact these drug issues are in the past.

 

[Steely]

Many, many hugs....

Like the others said....the mere fact that he was able to overcome drug use on his own....is a testament to what an amazing mother you are. I know it hurts that he didn't confide in you....yet he overcame it....because you instilled in him that strength at a young age to overcome all obstacles in life. You did that - as his Mom - he didn't come by that naturally - you nurtured that within him!

To be honest - he may might not have overcome it on his own, if he was leaning on you to get him through. Some kids need to figure things out on their own. They have a sense of pride, resilience, integrity that keeps them from asking for help - but propels them into overcoming. Your kiddo has that. And for THAT you should be very, very proud.

 

[Mom2oddson]

Thank you my friends. Your words really do help. I needed to hear that. Thank you.