Sorry I haven't been around much-Update

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by nvts, Apr 6, 2010.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I've only been able to stop in to check on Marg's sister and some of the stuff that's been going on with all of you. It's been catch as catch can.

    Let's see...

    Last we heard from Beth, she'd told husband that he had to go...

    Well, he went. Sat. (the next morning after I dropped the bomb) he came down and announced that he was going to look at apartments. I said that's nice, but be careful about how much you spend because we're destitute. We talked about a few non-essential things and I guess when I didn't beg him to stay/for forgiveness/or him to get help, he was kind of shocked. Well, we started to talk, and I got the "I love you, but I'm not sure how...". Mmmm, hmmm. Here we go again. So I reassured him that while I love him, it's an abusive relationship, depressing, passive-aggressive, demoralizing and downright cruel and this was something that needed to be done for everyone who's being impacted by his behavior - including himself. He was tearful - but nothing I can't handle.

    Now, not being a cry baby here but here's a snapshot of what's been going on:

    had a miscarriage 3 yrs. ago- he was extremely helpful during it. Got home from the hospital with him at 4 am. Was told 24 hour bedrest. I got the kids up for school (6 am) while he called into work because he was too tired to go to work. Got a phone call at 9:am that difficult child 3 was having a meltdown and someone had to come get her. He wouldn't go. I had to drive (roundtrip) 20 miles to get her AND sit there and talk about the schools level of patience. I was getting short of breath, got her home and waited for the boys to get home (he's still in bed). Chest pain, shorter breath even still - OB/GYN tells me to hit the ER because I could have thrown a clot. He takes the kids (it's now 3:30 pm - I woke him up to take me) and I and drops me off at the ER. There until 1:00 am. No way to get home so I walk up and take the bus home IN THE RAIN. Wait for 40 mins. no sign of a bus, call my sister's cell and she's out so she'll pick me up.He's playing his video game when I arrive.

    Wouldn't attend difficult child 1's 5th grade graduation.

    Has 700+ hours logged on the video game.

    Never went to one prenatal exam/sonogram throughout the pregnancy with Evie (aka "Rabies" - she's biting EVERYTHING now!)

    Was in the hospital. for 9 days - he came once with the kids. Didn't see him/hear from him for the rest of the time I was in there.

    He took the 2 weeks off after Evie was born, his mother took care of the kids and he played the game. When I called work, (I didn't know he was off) they thought I was nuts.

    I got home, Evie was still in - he wouldn't take me to see her in the NICU - my sister did.

    She got out on day 11, his mom was getting ready to leave, but she stayed an extra week so she could give me a break once the baby came - he went back to work. I had a week break (with a csection) before I had to handle all 4 kids.

    But the game played on.

    There hasn't been ANY work done on the house for over 2 years. Yes, he built a deck for the pool, but managed to take the entire summer to do it (so that no one could come over).

    But the game prevailed!

    I could go on and on - Christmas? 20 mins. then up to the game. Evie's 1st birthday? Saw the cake, up to the game. My birthday? Card without a "Love, husband" just husband. I made hot dogs - he didn't join us - he was playing the game. Valentines? No love, just chocolate for the diabetic wife. Yahoo - but was yelling happy valentines to some bimbo on the video game.

    So, I think that this will do - for now. Tonight is the 1st night where it's just me, the difficult child's and Evie starting out new life out together...

    We're striking out on an adventure, the road may twist a little - but we'll do it together.

    Thanks for being so good to me - I really need you guys right now, so in deference to the way that husband signed my Birthday and Valentines Day cards, I proudly sign off...

  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    WOOHOOO!!!!! You go girl!

    WE are so here for you, and, like Witz's bra, We'll hold you up!
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    We're always here for you.

    Shari....heheheehehe...funny girl.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You are one amazing woman! :you_go_girl:
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Beth, did you hear about the couple in Korea who let their real baby die of neglect while they were addictively nurturing a fictitious game child? Sounds like your husband needs major psychiatric help.

    You are such a strong woman! I'm sure you will need to vent during this transformation. Please keep on posting here. I have a lot to learn from you.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's not the game that is addictive, it is the need to avoid all responsibility. If there were no video games, there would be something else to take its place, something he could use to opt out.

    I think you made the only decision you could. Maybe this could be the wake-up call he needs, but he's got along way to go, probably a lot further than he is prepared to admit.

    Hang in there. And as for the teething baby - difficult child 3 went through a phase of chewing everything, even after he was allegedly old enough to know better. It was a stimulant/obsession of his, to chew on stuff. Our lounge suite (polished rosewood arms with basketweave panels and brocade cushions) got tiger stripes where difficult child 3's teeth chewed off the varnish and gouged into the arms. It was worse than having a teething puppy!

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    We are here for you - any time, every time. Sorry that you have gone through all of that.

    Best teether my kids had? Wiz took over some leather coasters that were wedding presents. I just boiled them (natural leather) every evening. For the others my mother would cook rawhide chew chips (the thick ones, all one piece NOT molded of scraps). She would hold them while the child chewed. I didn't mind the leather, but the rawhides just were too icky feeling for me to be able to hold them.


  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Thanks you guys. Marg, I have to agree with you. He's always found one thing after another to allow him to withdraw to the dragons den. During our pseudo-conversation the next day, he confessed that he hated EVERYONE walking the planet. He has no feelings for anyone that runs consistantly, so he retreats into his game.

    The game is on the PS3 which allows him to play with other people via the internet. He has friends, clans, etc. that he lavishes more attention to than those that he lived/works with. I asked him (since it's a war game) if he felt that the game allowed him to return to a time in his life when he had no real responsibilities and when his actions impacted only himself and no one else. He looked like a light turned on in his head and said "yes".

    In the past it's been ebay, baseball cards, yu-gi-oh cards, texas long hand (no money), uploading CD's, conversations with people (online) that he was in high school with, and others obsessions that allowed him to move backward.

    But I can't allow him to scream at the kids, rant when they interupt (which I can't stand being interrupted too - but not enough to spank them over) or even when they play. I can't allow him to criticize every single thing that I do and ignore me the rest of the time. It's cruel.

    The sad thing is I know him better than anyone on the planet - and I can't help him. I will promise all of you one thing: there will be no reconcilliation without intensive personal therapy for him and couples counceling for us. Not happening - I'm not living through this ever again NOR will the difficult child's.

    I still haven't migrated to the middle of the bed - I'm sure it will come with time, but as every day starts - I'm feeling a little tougher and a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

    Again, thank you all for helping me - I'm sure there's more I'll be going through over the next few days/months!

  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Geez.... actually, after reading that, I think it's been you and the kids on your own for a long time already.

    ((HUGS)) You'll get through this.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    The story you wrote just breaks my's a wonder you managed to put up with it as long as you did.

    I'm sure husband and his game will be very happy together...
  11. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Beth, you definitely sound like you're ready to take this step. We're here walking beside you on your journey. We'll see you through the hills and the bumps, and the beautiful vistas you'll find along the path.

  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ya know, Beth, I never did migrate to the middle of my bed. I was perfectly content on one side. Which subsequently, made making the bed in the morning easier because only one side was messed up.

    Well, until my 110 lab took over the other side...he was a good bed partner, tho. He didn't mess up the quilts too much.

    You gave it all you could and then some...being with yourself is better than being with someone else that's going to treat you badly and make no real attempts at fixing it. I think you'll find the road much easier to traverse when you aren't dragging along a dead weight...

    Hugs and sunshine.
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Extra hugs and strengthening thoughts. Your positive attitude will go a long way... How did you tell the three older kids that dad was moving out?

  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I must say, you 'sound' relieved. I am glad you stood up for yourself and your happiness. Stay strong!
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Beth you sound good----There is no loneliness like being in a relationship with someone who's attraction is to something else. For a long time, when husband was active in his addiction, I blamed me for the problems. I thought I could fix him. It wasn't until I stopped trying and realized that I needed to fix me and let him take care of himself that things really took a positive turn. You will survive this and be better off in the end no matter what the outcome may be. ((( Hugs)))
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending out good thoughts your way. Sending many hugs your way.
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree, you sound good. That first night was a marvel for me way back. But each subsequent night became more and more wonderful as the time passed. Sending lots of hugs and support~
  18. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm amazed at the strength you have shown. You deserve a partner not another kid or like someone said a dead weight you need to carry around. I hope your husband gets his act in gear, but either way, you stay strong and take care of yourself as much as you can.
  19. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Good question Sharon! The older kids were quite easy to tell. difficult child 2 had that episode where he got yelled at so bad that he pee'd in his pants. The next night was difficult child 1's therapy session, so I got him to agree with difficult child 2 sitting with me in the office. Well, difficult child 1 asked difficult child 2 and I to come in from the waiting room and was promptly ambushed. They spelled it all out to me that they felt threatened and unsafe in the house, Dad was becoming more and more abusive and they were afraid that it was going to escalate, etc. I told them that things were in the works and not to worry about it. And it's true: I'd already informed difficult child 1's school that the action was going to be taken Friday night.

    I spoke to difficult child 3 Friday afternoon to tell her what was going on...she was a little tearful, but I explained that Dad needed to have some time to work on his problems and needed to go live alone for a while. A few tears, but way better than I expected.

    difficult child 1 was heartbroken that there wasn't a fight. He feels betrayed that his Dad didn't fight for them so that he would stay but change...but that's a demon that he's going to have on his back for a while. I'm working with him, but it's going to take time.

    Gotta go. The phone's ringing and difficult child 3 has had 2 meltdowns today...this is probably them again! Ugh!

  20. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hope your call had better news than the third meltdown!

    Sending lots of love and some extra support. Your H sounds very much like Miss KT's father. I drove myself to the ER in the middle of the night, 9 months pregnant, with a raging bladder infection and high fever, because Useless Boy wouldn't get up to take me.

    Hugs for you and all the kids.