Speaking of Cars

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well she finally did it after almost three years of trying the car is totaled. Now we have to break the news that we aren't going to help as much as she wants us to and she is going to have to pay her own insurance. difficult child is NOT going to like this news.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We never gave our kids any cars. They used ours. When my oldest daughter totaled our car, that was it for her car privileges until she could buy her own. Actually Daughter drove so fast the engine caught on fire in another state. No, we did not give her permission to go anywhere except to pick her close-by friend up to sleep overnight.


    She walked for a long time. Since then, her cars have been her own, paid for and maintained by her. Her father, my ex, did give her his old car once, but that was after he knew she was a responsible adult.

    It will do your daughter good to have to pay herself. She is an adult now. Too bad it had to happen, but it can turn into a learning experience.
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  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    This is her second car. It's been wrecked 5 times. Only this time was her fault the others were not.

    Actually I am most aggravated that the car is gone. I wanted that car to teach easy child to drive. It was an old Toyota Prius and would have been perfect for her.

    Her dad is telling her we will help her but he and I are going to have a talk about that. I am NOT getting a new loan. I am NOT paying her now exhorbitant insurance. I would be willing to pay a first months payment since her current job is seasonal and she will have to line a new one up. Her savings will be going towards the deductible if that still has to be paid. She already has interviews set up but not until mid January.

    Around here a car is a necessity. The busses aren't allowed on the military post and she would have to walk several miles and cross a major interstate to get to the bussing system. There are some very shady places right outside post that I don't even get out of my car in. No way I want her walking out there. Heck the one city is on the COPS show regularly for criminal activity.

    She may be a defiant and moody difficult child but compared to a lot of kids she's not half bad. If I could get her back in school I would actually be pretty happy with her. We will help her out but for once we are going to do it on our terms and without guilt if she doesnt get what she wants.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We had no transportation at all where we were either.

    If my kid had cracked up the car four times...she would not have had her license anymore. There is no way. Even if it wasn't my daughter's fault, per se, I'd be suspicious of four car crashes. She had friends drive her around (shrug). She DID have a job so we took her and she usually got a ride home.

    When my daughter went to live with her brother, she went without a car there too and there was no public trans and he DEMANDED a job NOW. She walked to and from work, about a mile or so, and kept her job, even being promoted to manager. It was just at a Subway, but it taught her to have confidence in her ability...and she did it the hard way...walking in any weather. She does not get upset with us that we made her do that. It never comes up and we have a good relationship. She has a good work ethic too. I made some mistakes with my kids for sure, but I wanted to be sure they could care for themselves and they all take care of themselves and are independent of us. Julie was 19 when she was walking to and from Subway. She never went without a job, car or no car. If she did, she had no money. The allowance stopped completely at age 18 unless you were in college full time.

    Is your daughter working yet? I would make that mandatory before helping her get a car, but that's me. It worked in a way. None of them are entitled kids. They do work very hard and take care of their own bills...for that I am proud of all of them. You can't call any of my kids lazy...other things, yes...lolol.

    Welp, good luck!
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2014
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I walked and took the bus until I was 25. It took me at least an hour to get wherever I was going, including school. husband taught me to drive.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    If it wasn't for I-5 I would probably be a real hard ass about it and tell her she was on her own. The one bad thing about living on a military base is that it is hard to get a job on post and you are generally seperated from the rest of the community by a major road. In our case it isn't a major road its an 8 lane HWY.

    husband and I had a nice long talk about it last night and I told him I was NOT taking on a new loan and that she needed to pay her own insurance. husband is talking about cosigning. I warned him about it and reminded him if she didn't pay he had to. Yes I know by "he" I really mean "we" but I am in denial for now.

    I spoke to husband about all the wrecks last night and mentioned that even though she wasn't at fault I was pretty sure her driving to fast, riding bumpers, and stopping at lights on a dime might have something to do with it. If you drive in a manner that puts you at high risk then you usually have wrecks.

    She is working, but it is a seasonal job with a Toys R Us Outlet. She has two interviews in mid January for Babys R Us and Toys R Us as an assistant manager. I think she is kind of sitting back and waiting to see if she gets one of those. husband and I both discussed that she hasn't really been trying to get a full time position or even get two part time positions. Effort in those areas would make me feel better about her car issue.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It maybe time for her to use her money ( when she gets a job) to find a roommate or two in town. She would have transportation (bus or coworker), learn to manage her money, and she would not be causing issues at home.

    Just a thought.
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  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I really like that thought! Now to get husband on board.
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Walking is a fine method of transportation that has been around for eons. :wink:
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    OK I was wrong but after 20+ years of being a safe driver I got a speeding ticket. In order not to incur points and keep my insurance premiums low, I had to take an 8 hour driving course :rolleyes: Even though I absolutely hated doing it, it did remind me that driving a CAR is driving "heavy machinery". Just that alone has made me a safer driver. We get so use to a car just being something we use to get us from one point to another that we forget that we can quite easily hurt ourselves or others when doing something as simple as driving a car. Having said that, I wouldn't put your daughter back behind the wheel just because of this latest accident. (and thank heaven no one was hurt) Driving safely is a responsibility we owe not only to ourselves but others on the road as well. I would go further to have her show you responsibility by: paying for damages (if the car is totaled, pay it off or re-pay you for the cost of the car, not let her drive any of your vehicles AND insist take a safe drivers course!
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think it is not just wrong but VERY wrong to put your daughter in another vehicle. She CLEARLY is not a safe driver. There is no way that she had 4 accidents and was totally blameless until this 5th one. Her driving habits put her at risk for the accidents and she is truly blessed that no one died in one of the accidents.

    Giving her a car or cosigning (which is giving her a car because you will be making those payments - at 19 and not even seriously looking for a full time job there are 2 chances she will make the payments - slim and none!) for a car loan may help YOU and husband feel better. It will NOT help you daughter learn the life lessons she needs to learn, lessons that it is your parental job to teach her.

    A car in the hands of an irresponsible person is a deadly weapon. She can get rides from friends or walk the long way around the bad areas or get a bicycle or find some other way to cope. Given that many accidents, how often have you drug tested her or checked to see if she is sober before she drives or when she comes home?

    Cars are not a right, and neither is driving. She can use her wages to pay a friend to drive her to work, or to pay a cab or if you have time and inclination, to pay you to drive her to work. If one is that critical, maybe she should look harder for a job so she can purchase one and pay her insurance.

    You are putting a clearly irresponsible person in charge of a deadly weapon on busy streets if you help her get a car. You are TEACHING her that it doesn't matter how bad or often she messes up, there are no real consequences. You are teaching her that it is perfectly acceptable to drive dangerously and put others at risk of injury or death because otherwise she might be inconvenienced. Is this TRULY in her best interest? Is it what you need to do to be a responsible parent? what will you say to the other parties when she wrecks the next car (she will) and someone is seriously hurt or worse?

    Please don't cosign or tolerate your husband cosigning. Please, if she must have a car, let her buy it herself with money she gets from her own hard work. You won't just keep other people safe. You will keep HER safe. After all, she could kill herself with her driving too. Please insist that if she lives in your home and buys a vehicle, that she MUST take a safe driving course before she drives again. Even if she buys a vehicle, tell her she cannot bring it onto your property unless/until she takes and passes a safe driving course and pays her own insurance and other car related expenses.

    Lives depend on this, including her own. Maybe if your husband hears it this way he will 'get it' . At the very least, insist she pay half the car cost up front. The time it takes to save up will give her some time to mature, and it will give her time to take the driving course. She isn't a kid anymore, but she still NEEDS you and husband to parent her.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    So, husband wants to help somehow? The only help I'd be offering is helping to find a decent used one that she can afford. Having a man along makes a difference in the buying process (unfortunately). He probably follows the car market and knows which years of which makes were duds. That kind of help is valuable. But the car needs to be hers: her money, her insurance, her upkeep.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry I moved this thread! I think I am losing my mind! When I read this today I swear it did not have your name dstc! I swear it was by a new member and had only one response!
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Some fake called Blacklion stole the thread last night. The kooks and spooks all come out at night, don't they?

    I knew it wasn't his thread.

    by the way, good post, Susie. I agree with every word. After my daughter bought her own $3000 beater, which she had to pay for, keep up, insure and the works, she never had another accident in her life. It's been going on eleven years.

    I really don't think it's a good idea to buy a car for an adult child, especially one who is not at all responsible and is not eager to do grown up things. A job is five days a week and pays something so that you can buy your own things and pay your own way. At least it is to me. My kids were free to flip burgers, but then they only had that money. Period. None chose to flip burgers.
  15. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Blacklion turned out to be a spammer. He copied the text from the first post in this thread and started a new thread with it. He then attempted to post a bunch of spammy links in that thread which were blocked by the spam filter. Spam-o-rama-ding-dong.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My SO and I were just discussing this very thing yesterday--are certain people more prone to car accidents?

    SO's younger son, 19, was just in an accident. Car totaled-others kid's fault-the kid was cited at the scene for illegal lane change and not having insurance (sigh). Claimed he didn't have a phone either, though 19yo said he had been using a phone before the police came. Probably a difficult child!

    This was my car that 19yo was using, too. I am out my deductible, but still got over 6K for an over 10yo car, so I am not sad about it. I couldn't have gotten anywhere near that much if I tried to sell it. The car has been sitting unused and in our way for about 3 years, till we let difficult child use it for school and work starting this summer.

    However, this is 19yo's 2nd wreck. The 1st was his fault, when he was 16yo. Then he wouldn't drive again until this summer. So, really, he has logged about a year at driving, all together.

  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Never Ever, I repeat Never Ever co-sign a loan for anything!!! You are putting your credit on the line and if she doesn't make the payments you are stuck with them.

    When my difficult child was married they needed a car. If it would have just been the two of them I would not have helped but I was concerned about my granddaughter. I knew better than to co-sign a loan so I purchased a modest used car for $4000.00 I wrote up a legally binding loan agreement, my difficult child agreed to it and signed it. He was to pay $100 a month and I carried the insurance. I got one payment. In the end, he wrecked the car, not bad just body damage but the icing on the cake was when he got behind on his rent he gave the car to his landlord to cover the back rent. I could have gone to court but would have had to spend more money only to get a car back that was no longer worth anything. I knew going into it that I may never get my money back.

    If you must, buy her a modest used car and have her make payments to you but do not co-sign a loan. Only do this if you are willing to basically throw the money away.
  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


  19. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    About twenty years ago, on jury duty..... during testimony, the judge interjected, You know the definition of a co-signer, right? A fool with a pen.

    That stuck in my brain and I am glad it did.

    I am sorry this has happened, dstc.

    Our difficult child worked for months to buy his first used car. It was a Volvo (because I insisted, thinking it would be so much safer. That is what Click & Clack recommended). So, he drove it 30 mi with no water in the radiator. husband and i paid (with a credit card) to replace that radiator. He did it again and we did not pay. Months later, husband signed over to difficult child his old Honda Accord. I cannot remember what went wrong with it, but difficult child left it on the side of an Interstate where it was eventually confiscated/towed away. difficult child received a warning in the mail, but refused to do anything about it. By this time, we were beyond fed up.

    My story is off-topic, but it helps me to type this stuff out, remembering, shaking my head at the craziness of it all.....
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