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Speaking of walking like a duck....
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 27477" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Hi, guys ~ thanks for your responses.</p><p></p><p>No need to read through the entire thing. I can be so wordy sometimes I put myself to sleep! Short and sweet: Suz, difficult child was high. husband does not want to know that, so he did not. But you know what? We did go out and had a great time today ~ and that was a good, good thing to do. Kathy, you are right about "Barb" hanging up. These patterns were set up so long ago that I don't consciously think about it (like husband, I don't want to know it so I don't.)</p><p></p><p>I am stronger now, you are right, and I will deal with it.</p><p></p><p>CAMom, your post was so gentle and sweet. I think you will go through whatever is coming next for your son so much stronger than husband and I were, because you have the site, and all of us. I think our difficult child was twenty-nine or thirty when I found the site. Prior to that time, we believed with all our hearts that what we were looking at with difficult child was the result of poor parenting. </p><p></p><p>Truly.</p><p></p><p>We ate ourselves alive, desperately chasing solutions or trying to address whatever the parenting deficit had been.</p><p></p><p>While I knew difficult child used drugs, it never even occurred to me that drugs were the problem. I felt we were the problem and that, if only I could find the parenting deficit, I could fix it.</p><p></p><p>You are here on the site already.</p><p></p><p>These things will not happen to you and your family, because you will learn how to be strong, and how to make yourself look at things you don't want to know, here on the site.</p><p></p><p></p><p>*************************EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON DOWN IS JUST ME BEING WORDY ~ BUT JUST IN CASE THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE IN THE SAME POSITION, I AM LEAVING IT IN.</p><p></p><p>(PLUS, IT KEEPS ME HONEST TO HAVE IT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE. I JUST LOVE TO TELL MYSELF IT WASN'T WHAT IT WAS.</p><p></p><p>***************************************************************</p><p></p><p>Suz, we did find something fun to do today. It is easier here than it was at home. And yes, I would say difficult child was high on something but not crazy high. So I would say not speed or crack but definitely something more than pot. Not alcohol. And husband...it is so unusual for difficult child even to call us. When he does, it is about money. Lately, difficult child has been telling husband he is working and needs nothing and just wants to shoot the breeze. And husband is happy about that. If I had been willing to be "friends" difficult child would have done the same with me. But his stories were so disjointed that a few questions took them apart. What difficult child wound up telling me is that he needs a car (we bought the last one) needs an ID and a license (we paid the fines and reinstatement fees for the last one) and is thinking about coming up north this summer after we are home to work with someone he used to work with because New Orleans sucks and ~ get this ~ there is no work there.</p><p></p><p>Same story, different day.</p><p></p><p>Kathy, I intend to order that book from the library tomorrow and should have it within a few days. Strange that I haven't done it already. Must be that part of me still feels that if I suffer enough, this can all be undone. Or, that I don't deserve to be healed and whole again as long as difficult child is where he is.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe I wonder whether I am wrong. What if it isn't drugs. What if ~ but what else could it be. It could be a mental illness.</p><p></p><p>But if it is, the drug use isn't helping.</p><p></p><p>It is strange that with all the reading I do, I have never managed to read that book.</p><p></p><p>I will ~ but it is interesting that part of me must still be either trying to bargain my way out of this or feeling that I deserve to suffer for what has happened. </p><p></p><p>So, once I posted this morning, I was able to take it a little further (posting always takes me out of that shocky place ~ probably getting my thoughts in order enough to write them out).</p><p></p><p>Kathy you are right. difficult child treats us as we allow him to. What he said (and this was years ago) about using our given names is that he doesn't feel we are his parents and that if we are not friends, we are nothing. This all happened in the midst of some crisis when I did not yet have this site (I am so grateful the site exists!) And at the time it seemed like the least of our problems. We were so clueless! We didn't like it, but let it go and concentrated on "saving" difficult child. You are right. "Barb" should hang up. This all started so long ago. And it worked because of the shame thing, I suppose. I was more vulnerable then than I am today.</p><p></p><p>I can deal with that now. And you are right and I will.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, after I posted this morning, I was able to analyze the conversation. I felt so crummy I cannot even describe it. With everything I know now I should be able to deal with whatever comes up without feeling that lost, shamed, failure feeling.</p><p></p><p>But that is how I felt.</p><p></p><p>For others of us going through this now or at some time in the future, this is what I learned. </p><p></p><p>difficult child is a master at taking us apart. The reason that works for him is because we want to believe he didn't mean THAT, he meant...something else.</p><p></p><p>And what kind of parents are we, to attribute such negative motives to our own son.</p><p></p><p>In a way, this works for difficult child because as decent people, we chastise ourselves when we judge anyone harshly. We say "Oh, I must be in a bad mood or something ~ what IS the matter with me today."</p><p></p><p>And we come out of the conversations feeling ashamed of ourselves because we have not held faith with our belief that this is a temporary thing and that inside difficult child somewhere is not only the child we loved but the man (or woman) that child was destined to grow into.</p><p></p><p>Man, those dreams die hard.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 27477, member: 3353"] Hi, guys ~ thanks for your responses. No need to read through the entire thing. I can be so wordy sometimes I put myself to sleep! Short and sweet: Suz, difficult child was high. husband does not want to know that, so he did not. But you know what? We did go out and had a great time today ~ and that was a good, good thing to do. Kathy, you are right about "Barb" hanging up. These patterns were set up so long ago that I don't consciously think about it (like husband, I don't want to know it so I don't.) I am stronger now, you are right, and I will deal with it. CAMom, your post was so gentle and sweet. I think you will go through whatever is coming next for your son so much stronger than husband and I were, because you have the site, and all of us. I think our difficult child was twenty-nine or thirty when I found the site. Prior to that time, we believed with all our hearts that what we were looking at with difficult child was the result of poor parenting. Truly. We ate ourselves alive, desperately chasing solutions or trying to address whatever the parenting deficit had been. While I knew difficult child used drugs, it never even occurred to me that drugs were the problem. I felt we were the problem and that, if only I could find the parenting deficit, I could fix it. You are here on the site already. These things will not happen to you and your family, because you will learn how to be strong, and how to make yourself look at things you don't want to know, here on the site. *************************EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON DOWN IS JUST ME BEING WORDY ~ BUT JUST IN CASE THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE IN THE SAME POSITION, I AM LEAVING IT IN. (PLUS, IT KEEPS ME HONEST TO HAVE IT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE. I JUST LOVE TO TELL MYSELF IT WASN'T WHAT IT WAS. *************************************************************** Suz, we did find something fun to do today. It is easier here than it was at home. And yes, I would say difficult child was high on something but not crazy high. So I would say not speed or crack but definitely something more than pot. Not alcohol. And husband...it is so unusual for difficult child even to call us. When he does, it is about money. Lately, difficult child has been telling husband he is working and needs nothing and just wants to shoot the breeze. And husband is happy about that. If I had been willing to be "friends" difficult child would have done the same with me. But his stories were so disjointed that a few questions took them apart. What difficult child wound up telling me is that he needs a car (we bought the last one) needs an ID and a license (we paid the fines and reinstatement fees for the last one) and is thinking about coming up north this summer after we are home to work with someone he used to work with because New Orleans sucks and ~ get this ~ there is no work there. Same story, different day. Kathy, I intend to order that book from the library tomorrow and should have it within a few days. Strange that I haven't done it already. Must be that part of me still feels that if I suffer enough, this can all be undone. Or, that I don't deserve to be healed and whole again as long as difficult child is where he is. Or maybe I wonder whether I am wrong. What if it isn't drugs. What if ~ but what else could it be. It could be a mental illness. But if it is, the drug use isn't helping. It is strange that with all the reading I do, I have never managed to read that book. I will ~ but it is interesting that part of me must still be either trying to bargain my way out of this or feeling that I deserve to suffer for what has happened. So, once I posted this morning, I was able to take it a little further (posting always takes me out of that shocky place ~ probably getting my thoughts in order enough to write them out). Kathy you are right. difficult child treats us as we allow him to. What he said (and this was years ago) about using our given names is that he doesn't feel we are his parents and that if we are not friends, we are nothing. This all happened in the midst of some crisis when I did not yet have this site (I am so grateful the site exists!) And at the time it seemed like the least of our problems. We were so clueless! We didn't like it, but let it go and concentrated on "saving" difficult child. You are right. "Barb" should hang up. This all started so long ago. And it worked because of the shame thing, I suppose. I was more vulnerable then than I am today. I can deal with that now. And you are right and I will. Anyway, after I posted this morning, I was able to analyze the conversation. I felt so crummy I cannot even describe it. With everything I know now I should be able to deal with whatever comes up without feeling that lost, shamed, failure feeling. But that is how I felt. For others of us going through this now or at some time in the future, this is what I learned. difficult child is a master at taking us apart. The reason that works for him is because we want to believe he didn't mean THAT, he meant...something else. And what kind of parents are we, to attribute such negative motives to our own son. In a way, this works for difficult child because as decent people, we chastise ourselves when we judge anyone harshly. We say "Oh, I must be in a bad mood or something ~ what IS the matter with me today." And we come out of the conversations feeling ashamed of ourselves because we have not held faith with our belief that this is a temporary thing and that inside difficult child somewhere is not only the child we loved but the man (or woman) that child was destined to grow into. Man, those dreams die hard. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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