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Speaking of walking like a duck....
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 27582" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"></p><p></p><p>I honestly don't know why you continue to beat yourself up about his behavior...especially considering how old he is. I can understand your frustration about your relationship not being what you imagined but his actions are his actions and have nothing at all to do with your parenting skills.</p><p></p><p>Suz </div></div></p><p></p><p>You know Suz, sometimes I wonder myself whether I have some depressive thing going on, and whether I latch onto this stuff with difficult child to put a name to feelings that are already there ~ sort of justifying suffering I was glorying in anyway or something.</p><p></p><p>And I don't know whether that is true ~ and it could be.</p><p></p><p>But then, I think about how other parents enjoy their thirty, forty, and fifty year old children. </p><p></p><p>Grieving doesn't stop unless things stop changing. If there has been a death, the grief is sharper but eventually, you have gone over every hurtful thing until it no longer changes, no longer gives you more, when you look at it.</p><p></p><p>And then, you begin to heal.</p><p></p><p>A living child...with a living child, however old he is, there is change. There is newness, and that knife cuts as cleanly as it ever did.</p><p></p><p>Even if the newness is that it is all happening again.</p><p></p><p>Grief is grief.</p><p></p><p>I can't get used to it.</p><p></p><p>Some days?</p><p></p><p>I still can't believe this happened.</p><p></p><p>Remembering the calculating way difficult child interacted with his father just chills me to the bone. Taking a good look at and understanding the dynamic behind the first-name basis of this "relationship" makes me physically sick.</p><p></p><p>There is still so much I just don't want to acknowledge.</p><p></p><p>But sometimes, I become so angry that I could kill difficult child for what has happened to my son.</p><p></p><p>I think that rage is what I turn onto myself when I question my parenting skills.</p><p></p><p>Did you know that I used to be the Cub Scout Den Mother?</p><p></p><p>Just too much sadness sometimes, when I think of how everything turned out.</p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>I can do this.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p> :warrior:</p><p></p><p></p><p>.......................................... :smile:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 27582, member: 3353"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I honestly don't know why you continue to beat yourself up about his behavior...especially considering how old he is. I can understand your frustration about your relationship not being what you imagined but his actions are his actions and have nothing at all to do with your parenting skills. Suz </div></div> You know Suz, sometimes I wonder myself whether I have some depressive thing going on, and whether I latch onto this stuff with difficult child to put a name to feelings that are already there ~ sort of justifying suffering I was glorying in anyway or something. And I don't know whether that is true ~ and it could be. But then, I think about how other parents enjoy their thirty, forty, and fifty year old children. Grieving doesn't stop unless things stop changing. If there has been a death, the grief is sharper but eventually, you have gone over every hurtful thing until it no longer changes, no longer gives you more, when you look at it. And then, you begin to heal. A living child...with a living child, however old he is, there is change. There is newness, and that knife cuts as cleanly as it ever did. Even if the newness is that it is all happening again. Grief is grief. I can't get used to it. Some days? I still can't believe this happened. Remembering the calculating way difficult child interacted with his father just chills me to the bone. Taking a good look at and understanding the dynamic behind the first-name basis of this "relationship" makes me physically sick. There is still so much I just don't want to acknowledge. But sometimes, I become so angry that I could kill difficult child for what has happened to my son. I think that rage is what I turn onto myself when I question my parenting skills. Did you know that I used to be the Cub Scout Den Mother? Just too much sadness sometimes, when I think of how everything turned out. That's okay. I can do this. Barbara [img]:warrior:[/img] .......................................... [img]:smile:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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