Spoke to daughter - she had a fight

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello again. I am sorry, I am so monopolizing the board!!!! I can't help it, I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! :)

    I spoke to my daughter yesterday. She was really quite nice to me. In a very good mood. She misses us. Of course she does, she's in Jail!!! She did tell me that while she was "on the run" she often cried to her new boyfriend that she missed me terribly. She said she wanted to come home so badly but knew that I would have to turn her in. So she didn't. She seems to be doing pretty good in there. She is in the psychiatric ward, I guess because she was freaking out when she arrived and had to be put in something like a straight jacket to keep from hurting herself. I am not sure how long she will be in that ward, she is trying to get transferred to the "minor block". In the meantime, she got into a fight with another psychiatric patient. She didn't get into trouble though. Apparently she was trying to help this other girl and she attacked my daughter. I am not sure what she was trying to help her with. The CO told my daughter she did the right think in defending herself. He actually gave her "props" for the way she "kicked this other girls a**". The other girl did go into lock up. So when I was speaking to my daughter she was still on her little "high" from the fight. She was very pleased with herself. Truthfully, so was I!!! I would never let her know that, of course. But I am glad that she is able to handle herself in there. If she didn't turn around and kick a** then she would be easy prey. She is a tough girl, she can handle this. I, on the other hand would be such a target as I would spend my days crying in my cell!!! I am glad she didn't get into trouble though. I was under the impression that while in Jail it doesn't really matter who starts the fight, I thought both girls would get into trouble. That wouldn't really be fair. Then again, it's Jail, they don't have to be fair.

    Our conversation was really good. She kept repeating "I love you so much mommy". She doesn't want to live with me anymore though. Which is totally fine with me!!!! I know that if she does come out and go live with this new boyfriend she won't take her medications or go to therapy. That is the one reason I would like her to live here, however even when she lives here she doesn't comply with that anyway. According to her this new boyfriend is really a nice guy, he told her to come home when she was out there on the streets. She says he pushed her and pushed her to at least call me. She says she didn't because she was afraid she was going to go back to jail. She kept on asking me to put her brother on the phone. I avoided that, kept changing the subject because I know my son does not want to speak to her, he would only end up hurting her feelings. Later on I was thinking maybe that would have been a good thing, for her to see that her behaviors turn everyone, including her 7 yo brother, off. I don't know. Here I go again trying to protect my daughter's heart. I did tell her that her brother and cousin are angry with her. She doesn't seem to understand, she thinks because she doesn't actually abuse them that they have no right to be mad at her. Truthfully, I think she does understand why they are angry, she just doesn't want to admit that. She doesn't want to own the fact that she is hurting them because she really does love them a lot.

    She has court on Tuesday, I am not sure if I am going to go yet. She swears that she will be getting out. She thinks her "peoples" will show up with bail money. I am curious to see if anyone shows up for her. She asked me to call some of her new friends to see if they will come. She also asked me to call the other guy she got arrested with and see if he is okay. Is she nuts? I told her there was no way I was calling anyone for her. I told her about the guy that was calling from the jail and threatening me. She swore up and down that I must have in some way provoked him!!! How? You don't get to say anything to the person on the other end unless you accept the collect call. After a few minutes she understood that. She was mad that I reported him. She said that would come back on her. "Then stop giving out MY phone number". She gives these people that are in jail my number as if I am actually going to accept the charges and pay for them to talk to my daughter!!!! NOT!!!!

    So, what do you guys think? Should I go to court this time? If I do go, my sw will be coming with me. If I don't go, the sw will go alone. I kind of want to go, but I kind of don't. I am not sure. I don't want to send her the wrong message. I want her to know that I am so overdone when it comes to her drama. I did miss the last court date. I did not visit her yet. I did not send her anything yet, not even a letter. I want to go because the lawyer never called me back and my daughter does not give me enough information, so I am not really sure what is going on with the case. I don't know - what do you think?

    Sorry, this is a bit scattered. I just woke up and am only on my first cup of coffee so forgive me if this is hard to follow!!!

    Thanks for listening AGAIN!!!!

    Shawna :)
  2. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Go to the court. Ask for her to be sentenced that day if possible to her 18 year birthday, so her boyfriend can take over from there. Tell her that you will ask for that in advance. I doubt that the court would let her go to her boyfriend when she is a minor.

    If they release her before, the system can blame you for parental responsibility and neighter you or her wants to live under the same roof.

    Urge them to have her housed in the juvie or in the sick ward where she can remain medicated in the best possible way. While she can protect herself in a protected environment, I doubt that it would be the case among the ordinary prison population.

    Then it is really up to her to make her future.

    It is not the ideal solution, but as I have stated before I don't think that they would put the money in it for either having her living in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or in a transition home. I guess that they would drop her on the street on probation anyway as the economy is right now the minute she turns 18.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would go to court, if only to get a clearer picture of what's going on. Hearing things second and third hand tends to leave out important info. And, if you're asked, you can let the judge know you aren't prepared to have her back in your home.

    Many hugs...stay strong! Enjoy your coffee!
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another vote for you going for several reasons. I think you'll feel better after seeing your daughter really is surviving. You do need to find out what is really going on. You need to let the judge know that neither you nor your daughter feel her coming is an option.

    You're doing a great job on staying strong. I can only imagine how hard this has to be on you.

  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just wanted to say I think you are doing so well right now!!!
    Personally I have no clue, my kids are only 4 and 7... I hopefully will not have to do this.
    But my Dad has told me that he would not have made it without his family support. They did show up at court, his Mom especially.
    She was one of those that always thought he was innocent though! DOH!
    They never really gave him money or anything, I think some of his Sister's and Brother's let him stay with them and one gave him a job.
    He said just knowing he was not alone really helped him.
    It didn't make him *fix* himself faster, it took YEARS!!! But he has also helped his sisters and brothers out many times as well.

    My stepmom's family will not go and visit her brother in prison. Never have. This is his 2nd time, but it is for child molestation.
    She writes to him, and has talked to him a few times. Who knows what it will be like if and when he gets out alive.

    My dad swears by the support and this is why he fully supports my Brother through his jail time and all.
    I think you have a great head on you shoulders and an awesome heart!
    I don't think you can do anything wrong at this point, you are heading in such a good direction!
    GO with your heart and with how you think she is doing and what she needs and you need!
    Think of yourself!!! Hugs
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I also vote for going, and I think it's a great idea to take your sw with you.

    I agree that you need to make clear that your daughter cannot come back to your home and why.

    Another thought...My personal experience with the courts up here is that, those juveniles who have parents in the court room, even parents who want to see their children experience the full consequences of their actions, seem to be treated better. I guess the court saw that someone valued this child, and treated him or her accordingly.

    I don't know whether that's the case within your legal system, but...worth considering?

    You are doing a great job staying strong and staying detatched.

    Hugs, Shawna.

  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thanks guys, I was hoping you all would advise me to go. I really do want to go. I am going!!!

    Trinity, I was thinking the same thing. The court and the DA seem to want to help my daughter. The DA actually sat with my husband, sw and myself to try to come up with a plan that would truly help my daughter, not punish her. Of course that was before she took off and skipped her court date. But in any event, the court saw that this was not just a "bad" child who had no one. They saw that we were there to support her and that she is loved. Sad but true, she will be looked at differently if she has family that loves her.


    Shawna :)
  8. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    (((HUGS))) I agree with- going and for all the reasons posted. After all, she's still your little girl.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, it looks like Tuesday will be a big day!

    I hope you get the information you need. And that you can still stay detached, seeing your daughter in person. It will be bittersweet, I'm sure. I've got my fingers crossed. I hope you get some sleep tonight!
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm sorry I'm late but I would have told you to go to court too. You are the adult and the parent and she is the child who is behaving badly. Let the court see that you are being responsible and that she is the one who needs help.

    Are you saying that you are getting calls from guys in the prison threatening you?!? If that's true then all her talk is just that, talk. She hasn't learned anything and she still thinks she can manipulate you. You are right to put the conditions on her returning home that you have. Let the court know those conditions.

  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest


    Before she even got into the jail I was getting phone calls from some guy in jail. He was calling collect. In the space they leave for you to say your name he was leaving quick messages: "I'm going to send my people to this address", "I'm going to come and rape you" and things of that nature. My daughter swore up and down that I somehow provoked him. She gave him our phone number so that he could call her. I reported it to the Jail Supervisor, he got money taken from his account and a write up. According to my daughter this kid "would never do that". She gave him the number when she ran into him on the street one day. Ironic, they both ended up in jail together.
  12. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    BRAN155..This daughter has been so difficult. My heart goes out to you. I think your best bet is to go to court. Her lack of compliance to treatment and the fact that she is out of parental control it is in your best interest to let the judge know that you are unable to facilitate her developement as she defies parental authority.
    mania and lack of impulse control...BiPolar (BP)/adhd...are extremely toxic untreated and uncontroled. my adhd son has said that it is "to hard" to talk and follow instruction when untreated at times. He is far more compliant than what you are discribing and a large part of that is the power she is finding in her sexual pursuits and the matings.
    My quess is this also includes not attending school or pursuing a legal job of any type.
    Hopefully the judge will require her to do something meaningful with her time under conditions that require her to discover having an ability to tolerate the mundane aspects of life: regular schedule, participating in chores, and spending many hours of each day at some activity to learn and contribute.
    Definately would not let her return to your home and would ask that she recieve the psyciatiric treatments for her mental illnes and the training she has lost out on by not participating meaningfully during this period of deliquency.
    REcall that these people who have been taking in a underage runaway are contributing to deliquency of a minor, and that these people are engaging in parental interferance by taking a minor into their homes.
    That her example and behavior is disruptive and creates a unsuitable environment for your household...I recall she assaulted you at one point. All these show being a danger to herself and to others. Unless and untill she is controlled medically and also has devoted herself to learning she is not safe.
    I am in general conserned for young mentally ill women who are prey to the proclivities of others and easily mislead by their sex drive and lack of impulse control. I would say to the judge that emancipation would not be appropriate without a full understanding.
    CAn you get ssidi for her and get her into a full time residential treatment? EIther after jail time or as a transsitional program toward some type of monitored indepentant living?
    Hang in there. I am so glade, personally, you have such candor as you are an inspiration for me on this journey.
    Do something fun with the 7 year old today and everyday.
    ANd you did the right thing by not letting her talk to her brother. Be the parent and set boundaries. Protect the young one. And yourself, too. SHe can chose to take the treatements and behave. It is her habit and preferance to be the drama center.
    Yes, BiPolar (BP) and impulse are so oblivious. That is so. And as much as a sacrifice she may feel it is to be "bored" by the far less stymulated level that the world shared with others does require it is something she to "can do".
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Glad you are going. Know that we will all be there in spirit with you. Many gentle hugs.
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Shawna, I saw one thing that you said that bothers me. While some of us have gone through a lot of what you have, many of us haven't. Regardless, you have to do what is right for you. If everyone here told you to not go yet your heart and mind said go, then you should go. We don't live in your shoes and really don't have all the facts.

    When my daughter disappeared and I finally found out where she was, I was told to not go get her. This was wrong for me. I did get my daughter. She came home and was a much different person. Not perfect, not even close, but the violence stopped entirely, so did the temper tantrums. She'll still take what is mine, but so will most kids. She'll still argue something into the ground, dig it up, bury it again and then dig it up. But for me, I was right in going to get her.

    So, take what you need from our advice and suggestions but, in the long run, do what you feel is best for you and your child. You still love her and she's going to need to know that you love her regardless of her choices. As I tell my daughter, I may hate your choices and decisions but I'll always love you. They are separate.

    I hope the court understands that she needs help far more than she needs punishment and a treatment plan is found and implemented.

  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Shawna, I'm glad you had a realtively pleasant phone call from her. It's progress.

    However - pplease heed your own past wartnings and DO NOT take anything she says at face value. I remember how you told us in your earliest posts, how she lies as easily as breathing (not in those words, maybe).

    So please, do not automatically accept that she is telling you the truth now. She may be telling you what she beleives to be truth, but this fight between her and the other girl, for example - I'd be wanting to know more, from an independent source. She said she got commended by someone official for defending herself and then it's in terms such as she got praised for the way she "whipped the other girl's ***"? That doesn't soundright to me.

    She may have told the truth - just be wary and don't automatically take it as truth. There may be a great deal more to the story. Keep it all in your own perspective, not just hers.

    She is telling you that you must have somehow antagonised this young man who was calling your place, and you KNOW that isn't true. And if it's not true then why is she upset with you for reporting him? I suspect she DID arrange for him to ring you to harass you in the expectation that it would soften you up and you would cave in and get her out of jail, but when this not only failed to happen but you also took positive action against the caller, then her original request has backfired badly and the boy copped the consequences. Her fear is, that those consequences could flow on to her when the boy takes it out on her. But who started the chain by getting him to call?

    So I beleive she is still not being fully truthful with you.

    I saw my sister go through similarthings with her son. Go carefully, keep your eyes wide open, watch where you put your feet, question everything you're told independently. Don't keep asking her, just take written notes of what she tells you so you can double-check when she later denies that she ever said anything of the sort, and tries to backpedal out of her lies.

    She may be trying to clean up her act - I hope so. But she has to eventually make a full, honest start in order to fully clean up her act permanently.

    My vote also is for you to go to court. Even if she is lying, even if it's all a front, even if she's not at all contrite - you need to see her, she needs to see you, it is all part of the perspective I think you both need. She IS your daughter, everyone needs to be reminded of that and to see that she's not just some neglected, abused kid run wild.

    Hang in there, keep your Warrior Armour polished.

  16. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I went to court and sat there from 9:15 am until 1:15 and that's when they told me my daughter won't be seen until after 3pm!!!!!!!!!!!!! The legal aid attorneys don't come in until 2:30pm on Tuesdays!!!!! Information that would have been beneficial to me before one o'clock in the afternoon!!!! I am so beyond aggrevated!!!! My sw had to leave so I will be going back to court alone. At this point I am just frustrated, I don't even want to go back!!! But I am.

    Marg & Meowbunny:

    First let me say thank you for your concern. It is much appreciated. I absolutely do not believe anything my daughter tells me!!! The fight might have happened that way and might not have. I tend to think my daughter was not the one who initiated it, not because she said so, but because she didn't get any consequences for it. Other than that I believe my daughter is lying as soon as her mouth opens!!!! I do not think she has made any progress whatsoever. Just because she takes some of the blame for what has been happening doesn't mean anything to me. A. She is not stable and B. That will all change once something goes wrong for her or she doesn't get her way. I know she is just manipulating, or trying to anyway, me right now because she is in Jail and needs me. I can see right through her. It is nice to be able to have a decent conversation with her, yet I take that with a grain of salt. It was just for the moment. One week in jail did not change anything about her. If she was to come home right now not a darn thing would be any different!!! Her abuse would begin immediately!!!

    You are right Meowbunny, I would have gone to court no matter what. I am glad that you pointed that out though because I though about that after I posted. It sounds as if I was seeking approval. On some level I probably was. But believe me, I would have gone to court no matter what anyone said. I didn't want to go because I want my daughter to know that I am just so done with all of this craziness. I did want to go because I felt it was my responsibility as her mother. Like Marg said, I don't want the court to view my daughter as just some neglected kid on the run causing havoc. I want them to know that she is someone who is loved and supported. So I will drink my coffee and take my butt back to the courthouse and wait some more!!! Oh, joy. I will let you know what happens when I get back.

    Thanks again.

    Shawna :)

    p.s. I hope you are holding up okay Meowbunny!!! I agree, not every baby is a blessing!!!!
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So how did it go Bran???

    I am coming into this late. And I wish I hadn't. I don't think I would have suggested you go. Just 4 days ago you said you would not go because of the emotional trauma involved. I think you still need to protect yourself. Everything is too volatile right now.

    Did you end up being there for her trial?

    Hugs & support for you girl. I know how hard this must be.