So difficult child refused his psychiatrist appointment that was supposed to happen yesterday. Today I had an intake phone call appointment. with the Child and Family Clinic at our local hospital. The nurse I spoke to was great and very understanding. She was comforting and made me feel good about the efforts we've made for difficult child. She said that we knew more and were more proactive than most families she dealt with and that it seemed as though I'd done everything I could for difficult child. She noted (as has been said to me by other professionals) that I am working harder for difficult child than he is and that can become a problem, especially when difficult child won't accept any help. I told her that sometimes I believe there is some personality disorder or something along with the depression and other times I just think he is being a jerk. She said she understood but that quite often they act like jerks because of the underlying mental health issue. It is frustrating to not really know for sure what we are dealing with. He is very near the cut off for child services at 17 years, 2 months. The cut off is 17 1/2 years so he only has 4 months left before we will have to start over and look for adult services. I told her what our current situation is with difficult child being off his medications and mad at me for I don't know what. She did give me some information on a 12 session program that difficult child can do through the hospital once he reaches the adult age. Just needs a referral from our family doctor. So, that's a start in that direction. The plan we came up with was for her to hold on to his referral for the next few months at least. I think they'll probably take him until September and at least offer to do another assessment and then help him navigate getting into some adult psychiatric services (if he wants it). In the meantime I am going to try to nurture my relationship with difficult child back into good standing. I'm not sure how that will go now that he is off of his medications again- it may be near impossible if he reverts back to how he was last year before he started medications. But I will try. If I called him now and offered him an appointment he'd outright refuse and that would be the end of this possible pathway so I'm going to try and get him at a good time and hope he will stay in that frame of mind long enough to get him to the appointment. I'm kind of tired of fighting on his behalf when he is running the other way. It's frustrating and exhausting and he seems to always be doing the opposite of what he needs to do to help himself. One the one hand there is some freedom in resignation and on the other there is that helplessness that I know is there but hate to acknowledge. I've been doing much better lately though. The heart palpitations are almost gone and I've been sleeping a bit better which is a relief. I guess it's a process of letting go over a period of time, not just all at once.