Spoke too soon

[Californiablonde]

I posted last week that I was cautiously optimistic because difficult child made it to school six days in a row. This is a record for her this year. So I was hopeful. It seemed like taking away the computer and cell phone for a week really made difficult child motivated to go to school. But this week she is back to her old self. Yesterday she missed school because she woke up sick and vomiting. I felt a little bit guilty because we really didn't eat very well on our trip to Arizona. Especially on the drive home. We had fast food for all three meals on Monday. So she developed diarreah Monday night and started throwing up Tuesday morning. I let her stay home because I figured the lousy diet was making her ulcers worse. But then I came home yesterday at lunch time to check up on her and she was fine. Later that night she seemed to be doing okay as well. I told her last night that she had no excuse to miss school today.

So I go to wake her up this morning and she immediately started complaining of pain. I gave her the prescribed pain pill and told her she needed to get ready and come to school. Usually after she takes her pain pill she feels much better within an hour. But she refused to get out of bed. I told her that if she didn't go to school then I would be taking away her computer and cell phone until next Friday. I also told her that she was getting mostly D's and F's due to her lack of attendance and she was in danger of not graduating. She said she didn't care. So she stayed home. I went to check up on her today at lunch, and like I expected, she was absolutely fine. So now I don't know what I can do to motivate her if taking away her favorite things won't do it. We only have three more weeks of school until summer vacation. I was hoping she would make it through till the end of the year without missing anymore. I knew I jinxed myself when I posted about her doing so much better. When will I ever learn?

 

[InsaneCdn]

No you didn't jinx yourself.
difficult children just ARE that way.

You need to reverse your approach.
I don't know how your difficult child thinks.
But... mine is Aspie-ish, and... punishments don't work at all.
What does work? incentives.
Not big stuff. Not "if you make it to school every day for the next three weeks..." stuff.
Immediate gratification stuff.

Daily... if she gets up and goes to school, she will get THAT DAY...
and then the two of you negotiate what that (or a handful of options) reward is.

 

[Californiablonde]

I have no idea what to reward her with. Money is usually the only thing that talks for her. I can't exactly pay her to go to school. I don't know how else to get through to her. Right now I feel like I will be super lucky if she ever graduates. Her English skills are very poor. She can't spell, has no grammar or punctuation. She would never be able to fill out a job application on her own. I feel like she will always be sucking off of me for support because she will never be able to handle a full time job. And I can't stand the fact of her living with me past 18. I love her dearly but her and I get along like oil and water.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Let's see...
I don't know what you have for options, but... my almost-easy child/typical teen daughter... just loves to have NEW stuff. Dirt cheap... but NEW. There's stores around here where you can get funky socks for $2, a neat hair clip for a buck, and so on. I've been known to dangle those as "incentives" for stuff that is hard to get her motivated to do (clean your room... ). But we have a pattern. She gets that stuff on a semi-regular basis as it is - not as an incentive. The incentive is the "extra" trip to the store. She just loves the excuse to BE in the store.

Does she like a certain kind of chocolate? If so, buy some and give it to the GC at school. She makes it to school, she gets chocolate. This is actually logical... quality chocolate in moderate quantities is proven to have positive mood-altering properties. (This concept would be my first choice... it's not quite as directly connected to money)

 

[InsaneCdn]

And I can't stand the fact of her living with me past 18. I love her dearly but her and I get along like oil and water.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/spoke-too-soon-53976/#ixzz2UiWVTyDO

I understand the oil-and-water comment.
But ... not the other part.
As a parent, it's MY job to change whatever is possible, to make it work.
It's about ME figuring out how to adjust, adapt, teach skills, fill gaps.
Having a difficult child made ME have to really grow up fast - from helpless, to warrior mom, in short order.

It will be a huge difference here when the kids do leave home. But I highly suspect that we're in for at least another 10 years of parenting (both are in HS now). Developmental delays that go even with "just" ADHD mean that they mature later. As parents... we are preparing them to launch, and while in some ways we look forward to having our life back, it's more important to launch them properly. The only thing worse than slow launchers is boomerang kids.

 

[Californiablonde]

difficult child loves chocolate so I will try it and see if it works. I know I sound like a terrible parent but difficult child treats me so badly. She treats me like I'm incredibly stupid. Says mean and hurtful things to me. Sometimes she gets physically aggressive with me. I get pushed and shoved. Sometimes she stands in front of the doorway and refuses to let me out of the house. She is incredibly lazy and throws trash on the ground and refuses to pick it up. Asking her to help out with the house and do chores is met with tantrums and crying. And she calls me lazy. It hurts to be treated so badly. I can't imagine putting up with ten more years of abuse. I need stability and it's hard as hell to remain stable with difficult child. I am trying to be a warrior mom but sometimes I feel so beat down.

 

[dstc_99]

Personally I think you need to call her father and let him know in three weeks she will be on his doorstep or you will be contacting the law for support with her. She is larger than you, she is mean to you, she is physical with you, she refuses to respect you, she refuses to respect anyone else and she is beyond control. Physically and mentally you can't handle this forever. His option of taking the "easy" child and refusing to help with the "difficult" one is a **** poor excuse! He donated sperm he needs to donate some effort as well.

Contact the courts and see if you can get a "beyond control" order put in place. It is basically a contract between the child, parent and the courts that if she doesn't do the things you/courts require then she pays the price. The price could be picking up trash or much worse depending on how far she pushes it.

You have done everything you can on your own. It is time to call in the big guns! If that is dad fine, if it is the courts fine, if it is the police fine. She has had plenty of chances to change and she has received all the medical care needed so she has no more excuses. She is basically abusing you at this point. Using your fear of her failing against you and using your fear of her medical issues to play you.

You need to put an end to her games and let her know you aren't playing anymore!

 

[Bunny]

CB, if she is getting physically aggressive with you, you need to call in help. My son is now bigger than me. If he really wanted to hurt me or easy child, he could do it very easily. It's not my favorite thing to do, but I've called the police twice on him. The last time was in March when he took a large knife out of the knife block and threatened to kill himself, which resulted in an overnight stay at the psyche ER. Did I like doing it? No, but in some ways it frightened him and maybe knocked some sense into him that these antics are not going to fly anymore. Maybe she needs a shock like that.

When she stays home from school, what does she do all day? Take everything out that she likes. I know you took away here phone and computer, but take away the television, too. Disconnect the cable if you have to. If she fails and has to repeat this school year, will she take that well?

Her father needs to get involved with this. If she refuses to go to school, if you call him will he be helpful? You can not continue to do this alone.

 

[Californiablonde]

Her father is pretty much useless. His response to difficult child not going to school is to call her a loser who will never be succesful in life. When she visited his house last weekend his punishment to her for not going to school was to not let her have any samples when they went to the grocery store. That's it. And I have gone to call the police on her before and she grabs the phone out of my hand. Last time this happened my boyfriend was there. She was blocking the doorway so I couldn't leave the house to go to work. She grabbed my cell phone so I told my boyfriend to call the police. As soon as he picked up his phone she finally moved out of the doorway so I could leave. Today was better. At first she refused to get out of bed due to being tired but I called my mom for help. She promised her to take her to get frozen yogurt after school if she would get up so difficult child did. She cried and complained the whole time but she finally made it to the car. Tomorrow difficult child has her social skills group which she loves and she met a friend there. Plus she has easy classes on Friday. So I don't think it is going to be a problem for her tomorrow, but I am worried about the rest of next week and thereafter. All she has is three weeks and she is done for the year. I am going to ask the school psychiatric to talk to her about finishing the rest of the year. For some reason whatever he says to her totally motivates her. At least for awhile. I am hoping he can talk some sense in her today and get her through at least the rest of this year okay. So far her teachers have been really cooperative in letting her make up the work after school.

 

[Dixies_fire]

What are the doctor's saying is it gallbladder or just ulcers?

 

[Californiablonde]

I go to her gastroenterologist next week and we will find out the results of the gallbladder testing then.

 

[DammitJanet]

If it was her gallbladder they would have called you immediately if it was important enough that she needed it out and not waited for an appointment. You can pretty much rest assured she has nothing to really worry about there as an immediate problem.

Im still wondering exactly what they found when they did the endoscopy. Did they find H pylori? If so she should have been on antibiotics for two or three weeks and she would have felt much better. Yes I still have to take prilosec daily and watch what I eat but its so much better.

I do agree that at this point you need to find someone to help you get her into school. If she has missed this much school,isnt she going to have to take summer school? How on earth are you going to get her to that? Yes she is bigger than you but it is time to call in the cops. You are responsible to get her to school and if she wont go, they can make her.

 

[dstc_99]

OK so your ex is useless I get that and she trys to take the phone if you threaten to call for help. Why are you telling her your going to call? Set clear guidelines beforehand something like I will ask you twice to get out of bed if after the second time you aren't out of bed within 5 minutes then I will call the police to escort you to school. She wont believe you and will figure she can bully you out of it. After 5 minutes walk outside on the deck or into a hallway and make the call. Don't let her know why you are walking outside and don't threaten her that way she doesn't have time to physically threaten you. If you feel the need to be protected walk in to the bathroom and lock the door then make the call. That way you are safe and she is forced to go to school.

If the police don't escort her to school then go and get the behavior contract with the courts. If she continues the **** they can handle it and after you file the report the consequences are completely outside your control. The only thing she can blame you for is filing it what happens after that is all on her. They aren't going to buy her bull! They are going to confirm with the school whether she attends and they are going to confirm with you if she is obeying the rules and then they are going to supply her with a punishment if needed.

You have been letting her push you around way too long! It is time for you to have some help.

 

[Liahona]

difficult child 1 will completely change his behavior for the right carrot. If the frozen yogurt worked this time maybe it'll work again. I could never do anything that cost money as a carrot so difficult child 1 earns minecraft time.

Good luck, maybe having the phone in your pocket with 911 on speed dial? Just reach in and push the number? Then the call is made without having to tell her or even take the phone out of your pocket.

 

[1905]

I have a cousin who refused to go to school. My uncle dragged her in her pajamas into the car. The principal met him at the car. She had to get dressed in the car with the principal there. He dealt with this almost daily throughout high school. I'm not joking, my cousin is now a teacher if you can believe that.
Try the police escort since she is bigger than you. She will get the message as long as you do it, it's the law, she has to go, they can help you. It's the end of the year so now is a good time try this. You will only have to do it a few times before school is over. Next year you can remind her what will happen if she refuses. She may not need you to do this more than once. She isn't in charge, you are.