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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761566" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My own son can engage in similar behaviors as your daughter, Nomad. He can be momentarily vindictive and unwilling to see the consequences of his behaviors on others. But he gets over it. I think the ugliness of your daughter's behavior now, is because of her inherent limits in coping. She clearly was in over her head in the living situation. She could not handle that degree of freedom. And she clearly cannot handle accountability and taking responsibility for errors. Instead she is venomous. This is extremely self-defeating.</p><p></p><p>All of that said, I don't think she means to do wrong and I don't think she is a bad person. Like my own son, she's a limited person who can be extremely difficult to be around. My own son is actually quite likable, attractive and kind. But he has habits and limits, that for me are very difficult to handle. So I identify greatly with your situation.</p><p></p><p>But over the years that I have been on this forum, I have learned that I am the person who created most of the problems, by inserting myself into his life, by my expectations and by my refusal to accept him as we was. By that I mean, acceptance of reality, and that he has a right to be who he is. I do not mean that I have to tolerate who he is around me. That was the hardest thing to reconcile.</p><p></p><p>But eventually, I saw this as my problem and not his. For so many years I could not tolerate that I could not tolerate him. And I kept insisting that he change. Whether he could not change, or didn't want to change, who knows? But I accept now belatedly that the only change that I have control over is what I do and how I think. Duh.</p><p> </p><p>I guess why I am writing this is that I think your daughter isn't deliberately being hurtful or difficult. I think that is just who she is. And that it is not only okay to distance yourself from somebody who is impossible, it is imperative, if that person makes you feel sick or get sick. Maybe the answer is to a much greater extent limit contact with her, and the help and support you give to her, and even to clearly tell her why. The only hope any of us has is to learn. I do believe my son is learning, little by little, that other people can't be expected to tolerate the way he lives and the way he behaves. That he has to change, at least a little bit, in order to be near his family. Not the other way around. It's a paradox. When I no longer wanted to be around him, he began to be a little bit more self-aware about the consequences of what he said and did.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761566, member: 18958"] My own son can engage in similar behaviors as your daughter, Nomad. He can be momentarily vindictive and unwilling to see the consequences of his behaviors on others. But he gets over it. I think the ugliness of your daughter's behavior now, is because of her inherent limits in coping. She clearly was in over her head in the living situation. She could not handle that degree of freedom. And she clearly cannot handle accountability and taking responsibility for errors. Instead she is venomous. This is extremely self-defeating. All of that said, I don't think she means to do wrong and I don't think she is a bad person. Like my own son, she's a limited person who can be extremely difficult to be around. My own son is actually quite likable, attractive and kind. But he has habits and limits, that for me are very difficult to handle. So I identify greatly with your situation. But over the years that I have been on this forum, I have learned that I am the person who created most of the problems, by inserting myself into his life, by my expectations and by my refusal to accept him as we was. By that I mean, acceptance of reality, and that he has a right to be who he is. I do not mean that I have to tolerate who he is around me. That was the hardest thing to reconcile. But eventually, I saw this as my problem and not his. For so many years I could not tolerate that I could not tolerate him. And I kept insisting that he change. Whether he could not change, or didn't want to change, who knows? But I accept now belatedly that the only change that I have control over is what I do and how I think. Duh. I guess why I am writing this is that I think your daughter isn't deliberately being hurtful or difficult. I think that is just who she is. And that it is not only okay to distance yourself from somebody who is impossible, it is imperative, if that person makes you feel sick or get sick. Maybe the answer is to a much greater extent limit contact with her, and the help and support you give to her, and even to clearly tell her why. The only hope any of us has is to learn. I do believe my son is learning, little by little, that other people can't be expected to tolerate the way he lives and the way he behaves. That he has to change, at least a little bit, in order to be near his family. Not the other way around. It's a paradox. When I no longer wanted to be around him, he began to be a little bit more self-aware about the consequences of what he said and did. [/QUOTE]
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