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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 761154" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi Nomad. Here you are again and we get it. But I do have a slightly different take on things than some and my daughter is also adopted and I think that matters. Maybe a lot but not in the way that she doesn't love you. She loves you. This is just my take.</p><p></p><p>Our adopted kids come to us and we know very little about their lives before birth. We hope their birthmothers took care of themselves to help our child be healthy and live well. But sometimes that did not happen and we have.no choice but to adjust. Here me out.</p><p></p><p>We have always felt that Kay has fetal alcohol issues. We can't prove it. She doesn't have the features. But one can be born with brain damage from alcohol and look normal. What they can't do is act normal. Not they won't act normally. Some can't. They have permanant.brain damage. They behave differently than others. This does NOT mean that your daughter has THIS. It was an example.</p><p></p><p>Our adopted kids can have mild to severe brain changes due to ther birthmothers prebirth life. This can happen from anything to poor nutrition to using drugs while pregnant to drinking while pregnant or getting no medical treatment at all. This damage prenatally often impacts their ability to learn from experiences. So they rinse repeat....I bring up fetal alcohol only because with that sort of brain damage they CANT learn from experience. I don't know what cocaine or meth does to the brain of a developing fetus. Can't be good and sometimes we don't know it was used.</p><p></p><p>On top of the possible abuse in utero, our kids often inherit mental illness of various sorts. Kay definitely is not in any way an average person. She is sick. We see this in Jaden her son too. God knows what she took while pregnant with him! Or what he inherited from her. Not everything is a psychological issue. Some things are physical and brain or neurological damage, hard to diagnose. Although daughter being lonely may be an issue or maybe she keeps thinking roommates will help her function which be hard for her. Impossible to know.</p><p></p><p>I think you have every right to see if distancing from your daughter works. I am not sure she can do better than she is while living on her own. Does she have a case manager who will call her and look out for her? I thought that went with SSDI.</p><p></p><p>Our own take on Kay is that she partly can't help the horrible life she lives. She also refuses to get therapy, like your daughter. We gave her lots, like you have. We believe Kay is unable to appreciate anything. She has a very strange inability to express emotions. Oh she is loud and over the top in behavior but expresses no love or fear. Just anger. And I think she was born this way.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, there is only such we can do. Kay would not get help. So we quit the money train and she quit talking to us.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing anyone can do for a disabled child who won't get the maximum help and try hard. Even though it is hard for them. And us too. We can't force it.</p><p></p><p>You have every right to take a break. But do possibly remember your daughter may be doing what she does due to things you can't know. Even so you can not take care of her forever. Have you thought of a group home? I did but Kay....you can imagine her reaction.</p><p></p><p>As another mom who struggles too and who just had to detach you have all my love and prayers. I relate to you because like us you also have a functioning child.</p><p></p><p>Keep in touch. I care....we all care. I think most of us are bewildered about our difficult adult.kids. but we have each other. Enjoy your Christmas. Maybe see your daughter alone in a restaurant near Christmas time. Or not. Up to you. Take care of YOU first. Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 761154, member: 23706"] Hi Nomad. Here you are again and we get it. But I do have a slightly different take on things than some and my daughter is also adopted and I think that matters. Maybe a lot but not in the way that she doesn't love you. She loves you. This is just my take. Our adopted kids come to us and we know very little about their lives before birth. We hope their birthmothers took care of themselves to help our child be healthy and live well. But sometimes that did not happen and we have.no choice but to adjust. Here me out. We have always felt that Kay has fetal alcohol issues. We can't prove it. She doesn't have the features. But one can be born with brain damage from alcohol and look normal. What they can't do is act normal. Not they won't act normally. Some can't. They have permanant.brain damage. They behave differently than others. This does NOT mean that your daughter has THIS. It was an example. Our adopted kids can have mild to severe brain changes due to ther birthmothers prebirth life. This can happen from anything to poor nutrition to using drugs while pregnant to drinking while pregnant or getting no medical treatment at all. This damage prenatally often impacts their ability to learn from experiences. So they rinse repeat....I bring up fetal alcohol only because with that sort of brain damage they CANT learn from experience. I don't know what cocaine or meth does to the brain of a developing fetus. Can't be good and sometimes we don't know it was used. On top of the possible abuse in utero, our kids often inherit mental illness of various sorts. Kay definitely is not in any way an average person. She is sick. We see this in Jaden her son too. God knows what she took while pregnant with him! Or what he inherited from her. Not everything is a psychological issue. Some things are physical and brain or neurological damage, hard to diagnose. Although daughter being lonely may be an issue or maybe she keeps thinking roommates will help her function which be hard for her. Impossible to know. I think you have every right to see if distancing from your daughter works. I am not sure she can do better than she is while living on her own. Does she have a case manager who will call her and look out for her? I thought that went with SSDI. Our own take on Kay is that she partly can't help the horrible life she lives. She also refuses to get therapy, like your daughter. We gave her lots, like you have. We believe Kay is unable to appreciate anything. She has a very strange inability to express emotions. Oh she is loud and over the top in behavior but expresses no love or fear. Just anger. And I think she was born this way. Having said that, there is only such we can do. Kay would not get help. So we quit the money train and she quit talking to us. There is nothing anyone can do for a disabled child who won't get the maximum help and try hard. Even though it is hard for them. And us too. We can't force it. You have every right to take a break. But do possibly remember your daughter may be doing what she does due to things you can't know. Even so you can not take care of her forever. Have you thought of a group home? I did but Kay....you can imagine her reaction. As another mom who struggles too and who just had to detach you have all my love and prayers. I relate to you because like us you also have a functioning child. Keep in touch. I care....we all care. I think most of us are bewildered about our difficult adult.kids. but we have each other. Enjoy your Christmas. Maybe see your daughter alone in a restaurant near Christmas time. Or not. Up to you. Take care of YOU first. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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