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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761163" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Nomad</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry about this situation. Again.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others. She wants to be liked. She wants to be a nice person. She takes you and your husband for granted. I also think her judgment is quite impaired. Although she behaves disloyally I don't believe she sees the consequences of her acts. I believe she feels victimized by the people and doesn't believe she deserves consequences. After all, it's their fault, in her mind. She sees her intentions to have been good. She may not have the ego strength to say no in the moment, or even to remember her commitments.</p><p></p><p>The learning comes from us.</p><p></p><p>I agree there needs to be 3rd parties involved. For example, the Rescue Mission where I live has a program for recovering addicts, most of whom have serious mental health issues. There is a year long program preparing them for independent living, but even then, it's not really independent. There are helpers that handle landlords and monitor and assist with independent living skills, bill paying and other kinds of functioning.</p><p></p><p>It may be that this is what your daughter needs. While a psychologist would help I think she needs people to help her with decision-making, understanding cause and effect, and managing relationships. She may need supervision. I am not sure if this is a psychologist.</p><p></p><p>Like Wish says, she may not be equipped to live alone. She may need to live in a sheltered living situation.</p><p></p><p>The beauty of the apartment is not what is going to enable her to function in the way you expect. It's social support, monitoring, day to day accountability coaching, structure, etc. that she needs.</p><p></p><p>When my mother was ill and dying she lived in two supportive living situations, one, a rehab and the other a skilled nursing facility. In each of these places there were people living there who did not have physical illnesses or disabilities, in the main. They were people who just couldn't manage living on their own. SSI paid for them to live in these places. I am pretty sure that they did have to pay a part of their SSI payment.</p><p></p><p>I am remembering too an old acquaintance, actually a psychologist, a bit older than I am. He had a history of depression and he is now living in a board and care home, a protected situation. There are people who just can't handle negotiating problems. Your daughter may bevone of these people. She may be unable to do the kinds of things and make the kinds of judgement calls, that independent living requires. It's not that she's betraying you. It's that her thinking is not like yours.</p><p></p><p>I think the place to start is with her Case Manager for SSI. Another place to start is the Mental Health Department in the county where she lives. They might well have a program to help seriously mentally ill people live independently.</p><p></p><p>Another idea: Is there a trustworthy friend of hers that could live with her, if the apartment is big enough? Two people together might compensate for the other's lacks.</p><p></p><p>I am right there where you are. Nothing of anything I have tried has worked. I am left thinking that the last people who can handle the issues of these adult children with serious mental illness and conduct problems--are their parents.</p><p></p><p>Love, Copa</p><p></p><p>PS. The more I think about this the more I think she could be over her head. It’s not that she won’t do what’s needed. She may not have the skillset.</p><p></p><p>This is the same situation I’m in with my son. I have these expectations, these conditions (over and over.) I feel he won’t do it. That it’s willful.</p><p></p><p>It’s too painful for me to accept—he can’t. He doesn’t intend what he does or does not do. It’s who he is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761163, member: 18958"] Hi Nomad I am so sorry about this situation. Again. I agree with the others. She wants to be liked. She wants to be a nice person. She takes you and your husband for granted. I also think her judgment is quite impaired. Although she behaves disloyally I don't believe she sees the consequences of her acts. I believe she feels victimized by the people and doesn't believe she deserves consequences. After all, it's their fault, in her mind. She sees her intentions to have been good. She may not have the ego strength to say no in the moment, or even to remember her commitments. The learning comes from us. I agree there needs to be 3rd parties involved. For example, the Rescue Mission where I live has a program for recovering addicts, most of whom have serious mental health issues. There is a year long program preparing them for independent living, but even then, it's not really independent. There are helpers that handle landlords and monitor and assist with independent living skills, bill paying and other kinds of functioning. It may be that this is what your daughter needs. While a psychologist would help I think she needs people to help her with decision-making, understanding cause and effect, and managing relationships. She may need supervision. I am not sure if this is a psychologist. Like Wish says, she may not be equipped to live alone. She may need to live in a sheltered living situation. The beauty of the apartment is not what is going to enable her to function in the way you expect. It's social support, monitoring, day to day accountability coaching, structure, etc. that she needs. When my mother was ill and dying she lived in two supportive living situations, one, a rehab and the other a skilled nursing facility. In each of these places there were people living there who did not have physical illnesses or disabilities, in the main. They were people who just couldn't manage living on their own. SSI paid for them to live in these places. I am pretty sure that they did have to pay a part of their SSI payment. I am remembering too an old acquaintance, actually a psychologist, a bit older than I am. He had a history of depression and he is now living in a board and care home, a protected situation. There are people who just can't handle negotiating problems. Your daughter may bevone of these people. She may be unable to do the kinds of things and make the kinds of judgement calls, that independent living requires. It's not that she's betraying you. It's that her thinking is not like yours. I think the place to start is with her Case Manager for SSI. Another place to start is the Mental Health Department in the county where she lives. They might well have a program to help seriously mentally ill people live independently. Another idea: Is there a trustworthy friend of hers that could live with her, if the apartment is big enough? Two people together might compensate for the other's lacks. I am right there where you are. Nothing of anything I have tried has worked. I am left thinking that the last people who can handle the issues of these adult children with serious mental illness and conduct problems--are their parents. Love, Copa PS. The more I think about this the more I think she could be over her head. It’s not that she won’t do what’s needed. She may not have the skillset. This is the same situation I’m in with my son. I have these expectations, these conditions (over and over.) I feel he won’t do it. That it’s willful. It’s too painful for me to accept—he can’t. He doesn’t intend what he does or does not do. It’s who he is. [/QUOTE]
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