Standing firm

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by praying for peace, May 8, 2009.

  1. praying for peace

    praying for peace New Member

    Uggh I wrote this week that i missed my 19 year old son who has been living on his own for a month. We asked him to leave for demanding to smoke pot in his room. Now, one month later he wants to move back home. He can not afford rent. We told him he can only come back if he agrees to not bring pot or paraphenelia in the house. He cursed and said no way. He said he will do what he wants. He said fine i will stand in the road in front of your house and smoke a blunt thats not your property. He said he will just live in his car. He refuses to see that we will not allow drugs in our home.

    We can not give in. I guess he will have to live in his car. This is so painful but we have to stand firm on our beliefs. Thank you for listening. I appreciated all of the supportive comments from my last post. I appreciate any advice that you have for me.
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It is hard butas you said, you have to draw the line somewhere. You are doing great.

    I am so sorry for your pain. -RM
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    My advice? Stay the course. Do not give in. His drug is obviously more important to him than a place to lay his head at night. "He said he will do what he wants". He will experience the consequences of doing what he wants too.

    Hang in there.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Well, your son won't be the only one of our board sons who was homeless. He should be grateful he has a car to stay in! At one point my son and his girlfriend lived out of his car. They parked at a local truck stop because they could take showers there and eat cheap food. This was during a cold and snowy winter season even.

    It was horrifying for him and for his father and me for different reasons. We were so afraid for him (them).

    The long and short of it is that going through that taught him to appreciate having a roof over his head and that if he wants a roof over his head he has to work for it. It's a traumatic way to learn these life lessons but that seems to be the only way some of our kids learn them.

    PFP, please do a signature. There are many of us here and it helps us remember each other. It also helps you not have to repeat your story every time you post. Here's a link with the instructions.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would personally tell him that if I saw him smoking pot in front of my house I'd call the cops, but that's me.

    There is no way with his attitude I'd let him back home. All he has to do to be welcomed back is not smoke pot. If he won't do that, I'd let him live in his car. HE made the choice.

    But i wouldn't allow him to harass and abuse me. He wouldn't be smoking pot in the street by my house. Nope. Not happening. He may hate you now for standing firm, but his demands are childish and ridiculous. And you know what? HE KNOWS THIS! He is trying to bully you and make you feel guilty, like he has NO option other than the streets. Baloney. In your house you have every right to tell him what to do.

    If he would get a job, he could at least afford to rent a room. Obviously, it is probable that he wouldn't be allowed to smoke pot THERE either. His love affair with pot is ruining his life, but that is his choice. I'd let him hit rock bottom.
  6. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    praying for peace,
    you are doing a great job.
    keep up the good work.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know it's painful to watch them making stupid choices. But it's HIS choice. He made the decision, not you.

    For some odd reason, he seems to feel he can make the rules in your household. If you did give would be a disaster.

    He is an adult. Sure, he can make any decision that he wants, but he needs to learn that every decision he makes comes with consequences....both good and bad. The sooner he learns that lesson, the better. (for you both)

    If he stood on the street in front of my house smoking a joint, I'd call the cops. But that's me. I would not allow him to make me feel guilty or harass me over a choice he made.

  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree because my son is exactly the same way. He has been living in an abandoned trailer. Awful. We told him the exact same thing. He couldnt smoke pot, have it around our property, neighborhood, etc. also he abuses alcohol and pills. We do not take him to the doctor, ER, etc. I am concerned for him but he is choosing the trailer over a normal life. He has been to rehab, counselors, outpatient, inpatient, everything - he knows what to do but basically refuses. We cannot live like that - his lifestyle is not ours anymore. I am doing ok with it but struggle some. Sometimes I feel lilke waving a white flag but I know he cannot live at my house. The chaos of it all seems crazy. Why cant they seem to get it? My son probably like yours is very talented. He could do anything he wanted to. It seems he does not want to give up pot for anyone or anything. So be it. He is supposed to go back to court on the 20th for another weed charge. They will just smack him on the hand and give him 10 days in jail. He doesnt care. Weed is too important for him. Also he went for a job interview. The man has hired him back a lot and seems to want to help him but my son needs to help himself. He feels he just needs money - well money just gets him in more trouble. He needs to get himself right first - before money. He will just be kicked out of wherever he goes if he doesnt address his problem first. I am trying to stand firm too. Maybe we can stand together. It is the best thing to do. Kudos to you! I completely understand.