........just waiting for the train to barrell down on me. That is how I feel. I can see the big grill of the train, I can hear the scream of the horn, I can feel the rumbling - and yet I have been asked to stand. And wait. The program Matt is in, has made bad decision after bad decision with Matt in the last 2 months. I can see that Matt has given up. He is now in fight or flight mode. The program is over for him, as it is currently designed. The only hope is that the psychiatrist re-designs a "Matt" program, with independently living skills, therapy, etc., incorporated into an independent living setting rather than a group setting. However, if they don't hurry up, and make a decision soon, Matt will have exhausted everyone there, and he will just be asked to leave. I can see so clearly where he is in mental time and space, and I know what to expect. The train is about to hit us all. The flying debris from the oncoming train is already doing considerable damage. And yet, I am supposed to just wait for it to crush us all? Apparently there is nothing else to do. I have tried calling, emailing, no one senses the urgency that I do, despite his elopment, and the police escort to posph 2 weeks ago. I have tried SO hard to hope, detach, pray. I have been doing healthy things in my time off, which is big switch for me. Regardless I feel this deep, deep, powerful need to jump off the tracks, hi-jack the train, and derail it. I know how. I have been trying to do it my whole life. Yet, it is out of my hands. So I just stand here, and feel the impending doom, trying to tell myself that I what I see is not real, trying to rationalize it won't happen. I guess the irony to this analogy - is that I am not who is driving this train. It seems obvious it would be Matt, but yet the program has made so many mistakes that have set him up to fail, it seems that both the program and Matt are driving the train. I don't want to take away responsibilty from Matt for his actions - it is just that when a kid is in a program that controls their behavior in every single degree - doesn't it seem obvious that they are also the ones controlling and responsible? Please pray for us. I feel like I just can't take one more day of this. The nightmares are back so intently I can barely breathe. I wake up out of breath, and I am for hours. And for whatever reason, this has rekindled H.'s death for me. I keep having dreams of dead people in water. Most of the dreams I am the one who finds the people in the water, and I try to save them. I wake up crying, because I didn't save H. in real life. How could I not save my own sister when she was drowning?? Ironically it is a dream I have been having for years, way before H. actually died of drowning. I always have felt like I needed to save H., probably because of the abuse from our Dad. Yet, I ultimately did not, did I. Thanks for listening.