Standing on the tracks........

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    ........just waiting for the train to barrell down on me.

    That is how I feel. I can see the big grill of the train, I can hear the scream of the horn, I can feel the rumbling - and yet I have been asked to stand. And wait.

    The program Matt is in, has made bad decision after bad decision with Matt in the last 2 months. I can see that Matt has given up. He is now in fight or flight mode. The program is over for him, as it is currently designed. The only hope is that the psychiatrist re-designs a "Matt" program, with independently living skills, therapy, etc., incorporated into an independent living setting rather than a group setting.

    However, if they don't hurry up, and make a decision soon, Matt will have exhausted everyone there, and he will just be asked to leave. I can see so clearly where he is in mental time and space, and I know what to expect. The train is about to hit us all. The flying debris from the oncoming train is already doing considerable damage. And yet, I am supposed to just wait for it to crush us all?

    Apparently there is nothing else to do. I have tried calling, emailing, no one senses the urgency that I do, despite his elopment, and the police escort to posph 2 weeks ago.

    I have tried SO hard to hope, detach, pray. I have been doing healthy things in my time off, which is big switch for me. Regardless I feel this deep, deep, powerful need to jump off the tracks, hi-jack the train, and derail it. I know how. I have been trying to do it my whole life. Yet, it is out of my hands. So I just stand here, and feel the impending doom, trying to tell myself that I what I see is not real, trying to rationalize it won't happen.

    I guess the irony to this analogy - is that I am not who is driving this train. It seems obvious it would be Matt, but yet the program has made so many mistakes that have set him up to fail, it seems that both the program and Matt are driving the train. I don't want to take away responsibilty from Matt for his actions - it is just that when a kid is in a program that controls their behavior in every single degree - doesn't it seem obvious that they are also the ones controlling and responsible?

    Please pray for us. I feel like I just can't take one more day of this. The nightmares are back so intently I can barely breathe. I wake up out of breath, and I am for hours. And for whatever reason, this has rekindled H.'s death for me. I keep having dreams of dead people in water. Most of the dreams I am the one who finds the people in the water, and I try to save them. I wake up crying, because I didn't save H. in real life. How could I not save my own sister when she was drowning?? Ironically it is a dream I have been having for years, way before H. actually died of drowning. I always have felt like I needed to save H., probably because of the abuse from our Dad. Yet, I ultimately did not, did I.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. horserider

    horserider New Member


    I have been thinking about you this weekend, my thoughts and prayers have been with you. If we could hand pick the program our difficult child goes into it would be so much easier. But you are right, he is driving this train and he will have to make the right decisions. I will borrow words from TPaul who replied to my post about visiting my difficult child tonight, as I feel as lost as you.

    Maybe we are stronger then we realize. I will repeat these powerful words to myself when I feel helpless, you must do the same.

    I am glad you did some health things on your time off. As far as sleeping, or getting to sleep, this is my ritual. I find a good non-fiction book and read myself to sleep each night. It has helped redirect my mind. My therapist also told me to vision a stop sign when I become to overwhelmed with everything, to stop and redirect my thoughts.

    Hugs and prayers are with you and Matt
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Steely. I feel so for you.

    I wish I had advice or help or a magic wand to make it all better.

    All I can offer is to put one foot in front of the other. Make that the focus for now. It is so hard.

    Many hugs and prayers.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    How far away are you from his Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)? Perhaps you should call and set up an appointment to visit there and then you'll get the answers you need.
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I don't have any advice, just hugs.

    But...step to the side of the tracks and start walking. You can see my house from the tracks. When you get here, I'll be here with a hug and a cup of tea or something stronger if you prefer.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No advice, just many, many hugs.

    I wish I knew how I could help.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely I recall there being a good reason Matt is in this particular program......but darn brain injury won't surface it for me.:ashamed: Is there any reason you can't start looking for a different program? Ok, so I know this one is supposed to be super good. But even if a shoe is super good, if it doesn't fit, it just doesn't fit no way to make it. I have an issue with any program not listening to the one person who knows their patient the best. I don't care if they believe you to be over involved or not. You're still his mother and you know him in a way they never can. I also have an issue with any program or professionals who can't admit they made a mistake, back up and regroup and make a new plan. Matt needs a new plan. They pushed him too hard and too fast and he bolted. Obviously he wasn't as ready to do the things they thought he should be capable of doing. Good program or not.........the way they did some things have never sat well with me. And c'mon, if your patient is getting're obviously not doing something take a good look at what you're doing.:mad:

    You and Matt have been thru so darned (want to use a much stronger word here) much and he was doing so well for a longish time......this just burns me up. True you don't want to interfere with the actual treatment, but it also is your responsibility to look out for his best interest. And I think those 2 things are a huge conflict right now for you.

    I'm praying hard for both you and Matt. I've stood on those tracks and know how it feels.

  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member


    I wish I could do more than that, I wish I could take your pain away just for a few minutes.

    I wish I could de-rail that dam# train.