Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Apr 30, 2009.
I feed all the birds in my yard, but I don't throw the seed into their nests.
I get the sentiment, Star, but a word of caution to steer clear of this becoming a religious discussion...
Its funny Suz, I didn't see it from a religious point at all. I saw it as a point, as we feed our kids (the birds) but at the same time teach them to find food on their own?
It is very insightful as far as raising your young adult children.
Ok clearly I need to calm down after that quick iep meeting. I took it as you need a bird stand in your yard!! LOL
LOL. Funny. Maybe "I'M" reading to much into it!!!
Star edited her original version so it no longer has any religious connotation. That's why my comment above no longer makes sense.
Thanks for editing, Star.
I am glad now it's all okay!
Suz, you're welcome!
I love the point. I also like the concept of teaching our kids to "fish" for their own food instead of handing them a plate of fish sticks ML
I agree. It is very insightful just the way you edited it!!
Thanks Star - you are brilliant! I am still struggling of the way my son is living. He came home for a couple of days and slept but still I know he is using - drinking - the whole nine yards - we do not give him money - he went back to the trailer - I dont think this is working or it seems I get no relief except that he is not doing it under my roof - it is so hard. thanks for thinking of me. My heart is heavy.
I'm dumbfounded as to why he would be at your house, Susan. You can't have him in your home for a couple of days to recharge and practice tough love. They are mutually exclusive. Your other post says "I have to go back (to his trailer) all of the time". What on earth are you thinking? What you are saying is in direct opposition to what you are doing. Are you thinking it through? Have you tried a list of things you are doing compared to what you want to accomplish? This just doesn't make any sense at all, and in all honesty it's getting frustrating to me again to see you say you are working on tough love, etc., when you are having him home when he is drinking and high. It just doesn't work that way.
I think that maybe the reason your heart is heavy is that you are lying to yourself and everyone around you about your son and what your role in his addiction is.
HE CAME HOME TO SLEEP???????
Every time you think you are helping him regroup - you are actually doing more harm than good. If he KNOWS he has a place to land when he makes a total mess of his life - he will NEVER EVER grow up and......this time? It WILL be all your fault.
YOu have to stand strong - and just say NOPE, SORRY, TOO BAD, I FEEL FOR YOU, but by allowing him to come home - you just started back at square one - AGAIN......and now this cycle starts all over again.
I'm really sorry Stands - you were doing so good ......and even though it scares you not to know where he is? He was doing good too - now he starts over..again and nothing changes.
I'm going to ask again about a sponsor, Stands... since you seem so active in Al-Anon, I HIGHLY suggest you get one through your group ... if you do have one, what does she say about all of this, and why isn't she more a part of your life? I've never seen a post from you about it, other than one last year in which you did say you had one, I think.
Remember, you are as addicted as your son. When you feel the urge to get your "fix" (i.e., helping your son), you need to call that sponsor, immediately, for support.
The good news is, each day can be a new start in YOUR recovery. Slips are inevitable. However, you must be able to acknowledge these slips .. and what I am seeing in your last couple of posts is that this part is difficult for you. I don't mean that you should beat yourself up because you made a slip and let him come home for a couple of days, but I'm not even sensing any regret for doing that ... and as painful as it is, regret for our mistakes is sort of part of the recovery process... if that makes sense.
We're all here for you, cheering you on... but also trying to understand how things keep starting over at square 1... ok, well, square 2 maybe?
I have to admit, CV, that Susan does seem to feel regret when she does these things. I think she feels badly because it doesn't work out, rather than feeling badly because she shouldn't do these things. And, of course, she shouldn't do these things because it doesn't work out and it makes her feel badly.
Susan, it's an exercise in pain. Please stop. Your son is oblivious to most of it. You are living the pain. Set yourself free.
I completely understand and i will not do that again. I understand the whole thing.
okay - (sends birdseed) Lets go throw this in the yard......
Sending hugs for you today -
Susan...please. My kid was so much worse when he was here. He hurt me so bad. Not physically but he broke my heart in so many pieces. When I found out he stole that 1500 bucks from me, well that was my final straw. But even then he stayed here because I was still so enmeshed with him I couldnt see that he could make it on his own. We were also going through the whole court thing and we were tied to him with bonds and all that mess. Once I got fully fed up and he did something to really drive a wedge between us even more unforgivable than the money? Well I was really done and he had to go when he got out of jail. He found a place to live and he did his intensive probation and he is so much better. He is growing and maturing every day. I will never forget what he did but I have forgiven him. I dont live everyday wondering what he is going to do to me next. He is still a difficult child and he still does stupid things...such as the dog he just brought to my house! But overall, things are so much better.
This can happen to you too but only if you really say no more. No more letting them walk all over you. No more saying...OK. No more saying NO but then giving in because they keep badgering you. I know what that feels like. Cory was so good at badgering me until I just got tired and gave in. Now he asks me one time and then takes No for an answer. It just amazes me and I wonder why it took me so long to grow a backbone!
I think the most important thing about Janet's story is this:
"He found a place to live and he did his intensive probation..."
Separate names with a comma.