Star..What's up with Dude?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Nov 20, 2009.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know that he is living with you and DF but I haven't read anything about how he is actually doing, whether he is taking classes?, doing volunteer work or (fingers crossed) a part time job? Is he being compliant with the house rules?

    As you may have seen difficult child is getting kicked out into the world by GFGmom and, like Dude, he doesn't really have the skilled needed to be on his own. I'm wondering if the social services people every provided supports for Dude as a young adult. Counseling? Life skills training?

    Thanks. DDD
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Thanks for thinking about Dude. I'm sorry to hear about difficult child, nothing GFGmom does surprises me. I can't help BUT feel so sorry for difficult child. I don't care what the circumstances are you just wish you could find out what ticks in their heads and flip the switch to idle or fwd. Not reverse.

    There is so much I could say about what's been going on with Dude in our home. The long and the short of it? His biodad didn't fail to disappoint him a single day with his lies, grandiose stories, and even the man's friends lied for him and at one point Dude heard biodad high on drugs whispering in the back "Tell him I'm not here." To which the fall out was enormous - but not for biodad, rather every day it was for us. Lucky us. The man had 4 weeks to come up with a lousy $60 for a train ticket. The only time he said he actually HAD one for him is when Dude called and said he was catching a ride with some friends. THEN all of a sudden he announced he'd have to cancel the ticket he had just bought that day. (Oh brother are you serious?)

    WE did our best to detach, keep our opinions to oursevles, and when we couldn't? Well.....I guess we're human....we do whatever, apologize and move on.

    After a family discussion, unable to take the rollercoaster of x's little "call me back in 15 minutes and I'll see if I have any money for your ticket." We chose to give Dude an early Christmas present. We put Dude on a train and sent him to see my x's side of the family and such. Lousy x didn't even show up to the train station to pick his own son up with a 2 day notice. Dude called a freind of x's and the man showed up right away. The guy took Dude back to the house where x had been staying. Dude didn't tell me much; other than he saw him, and that he had asked Dude to spend the day with him. Dude said he told him "Nah, I think I want to go visit my uncle." DF asked why, Dude didn't answer him really - and left. What a shame. To have your kid chase after you like that after 15 years....and be too self-centered to care.

    I'm not sure what is going to happen. I just know that by the tone of his voice - the bridge was burned. I silently thanked my x for being the biggest screw up I know. I told Dude that he was all of the good things about my x....that he was before he got into drugs, booze and women. Then I told him a few of those things and let that go. DF told Dude - whatever your thoughts are about your Father? I think it would be best for you to keep those to yourself. Your Mom doesn't ever need to know. This can be the start of your being a real man. Those aren't things you're keeping from her because you're being dishonest. Those thoughts are things you keep from her because they're now part of your life - not hers. That isn't part of her life any more.

    I couldn't agree more. I hope Dude finds whatever it is he's seeking, I hope he is able to get a vehicle. I hope he is able to put to rest some very angry dragons, and I hope he comes home with a feeling of worth. He's accomplished so much more than he realizes - maybe once he looks in THAT mirror of biofather to himself - he'll see that.

    Keep him in your prayers......he needs the power of the board.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    What an awesome thing for DF to say to Dude about keeping things to himself and not dragging you into it. That man's a keeper for sure.

    It really is a shame about x throwing away his relationship with Dude. But like you said, it sounds like the bridge was finally burned, and Dude had to cross over it to see that for himself.

    I'll keep praying for him, and you. Hang in there.

  4. kitty lover

    kitty lover Guest

    I just wanted to add my support and say that I agree, you have an awesome DF!
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    All I can say is that I'm glad you all had that conversation and that DF said what he said to Dude. Part of being a grown up is knowing when to keep things to yourself so as not to hurt others. Good for DF for knowing that Dude was ready for that responsibility and good for Dude for heeding his advice.

    It's sad that the bridge has burned, but it's likely for the best. Now Dude can put x behind him and continue moving forward. Remember, Dude also has your 'survivor' blood in him!! Hugs~
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yikes! I can only imagine how stressful this must be for all of you. What DF said is admirable but I don't know that Dude is mature enough to do that yet. Don't be too disappointed if he "has to share". That's what I would expect. Fingers crossed. DDD
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well at least he is still somewhat ok and still alive. Every day he is alive is a good thing. I still wont sleep easy until he is back home. It is completely irresponsible of his sperm donor to even offer him a vehicle knowing he has no license and hence no insurance or tags and he has to drive the vehicle back a bunch of states. Especially since sperm donor isnt going to cough up the money to tag and insure the car. He should have sent the money to you to hold until Dude got a license. I if...and Im dreaming of a responsible

    I still think he is going to pull something to try and get you down there. To hurt you. I will worry about this until everyone is safe again. If something goes wrong, you know where I am. We can go get him. My car will make it. I have
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will do what is needed to get a plane ticket to go join Janet if he gets you down there Star. I can bring guns too. Or make Wiz drive me - he needs the practice, LOL!

    Sending lots of hugs to all of you. Df is a wonderful father and man. I am so glad that you have a man like him to love you.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Although my heart breaks for him to have to learn it the hard way (didn't we all?) it sounds very hopeful. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Is the uncle at least half-way decent?
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Watching our kids learn the hard way is so hard, isn't it? Miss KT came to a similar conclusion over the summer. I'm so sorry for Dude. Sending hugs and prayers.
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sometimes it really isn't a waste, it is painful, but we need to purge ourselves to really see that our parent or parents really are what someone has been kindly trying to tell us all of these years.
    It hurt in the beginning when I closed the door on my Father, I was 19, I even gave him 2 more chances. Now at 39 I gave him the second chance because of the girls... maybe Dude will learn faster then me.
    Those Psychotic types tend to be charmers.
    But Dude will get over the pain and the loss, he will put it in that place and use it to be a better person.
    He has you and DF, DF sounds so much better than he who shall not be named.
    And you, well you are Star*...
    The 3 of you really are lucky to have each other.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Dude is always in my prayers.

    I hate that he has to get hurt this way to finally understand and come to terms with biodad. But if it's a lesson well learned......then I guess it will be better for him in the long run.

    Keep us updated. I worry about him down there.

  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Urgh, your ex is a piece of work I tell you. I also concur that sometimes it needs to happen for us, our difficult child's, whoever, to see the writing on the wall and to let go of our wishes for a parent to be, well, a parent.

    My difficult child has had a couple of short visits this year with his bio dad. Each time, he comes home hurt although he tries to disguise it. difficult child will make an effort to see the man, the man again is self focused and oblivious to his son standing before him giving him YET another chance to man up. It never happens. Most recent visit, difficult child returned and was very blase about his visit. He told me it is obvious his bio dad should not have had a child and he is grateful that he didn't go on to have more kids after difficult child. He also said that he can't see why he should continue to put up with making any effort to stay in touch when it isn't something his father seems to care about either way. The hurt seemed less close to the surface. I think it was a big step emotionally for my difficult child.

    I hope that dude comes away from this with a desire to not be the one putting himself on the line in the future.

    I'm all for the blazing arms and a board road trip ;) I am loving Janet's approach to situations.