Starting to stress out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child has court on Friday. He's currently still being held in the county jail in PA on two charges. Theft by unlawful taking and receiving stolen property. In PA they are both a misdemeanor category 2 charge. He really has no past criminal record other then the theft charge from October that was dismissed. It's actually ironic that he has no record bc I have never met anyone who steals from others more that he does!

    So I'm starting to stress out over what is going to happen Friday if these charges get dismissed as well. Not that I want him to be in jail forever but I'm just nervous about him being on the streets again. We are still standing firm - he can not return home but sadly that means he will be in the same situation he was in before he went to jail. Homeless with no ID, no medications, no money, no mental health help, etc. Uggggh!

    When he got arrested last week I contacted an org that helps inmates who are mentally disabled. They are not sure if they can help though and I'm waiting to hear back. Yesterday I emailed the director of the shelter he was in when he got arrested and she said he's welcome back there when he gets out of jail. So at least he has somewhere to go. I guess that's a step ahead of last time.

    I'm trying not to stress but its so hard. I'm also stressed about Christmas bc hubby and I have decided that we can't allow difficult child to come here. If he is out of jail and back in NJ somewhere I will meet him either before of after Christmas but we can't take the chance on allowing him to come here. It's such a heart breaking, overwhelming feeling!
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2012
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling stressed about difficult child's upcoming court appearance. It's difficult to not worry about them, especially since your son is young. You did find a shelter that will take him, so you could allow yourself to be satisfied with that. There is a mom here who always says we need to stop working harder then they are. The likelihood is that your son has given this no thought at all and when/if he does get out on Friday, it's likely he will be impulsive and make whatever (bad) choices he makes at that point. And, your worrying will have been for naught. I am not judging you at all, I've done that more years then your son has been alive! But, this voice of experience is telling you that all that worry will do no good whatsoever, and certainly not for you. You have today and 2 more days until Friday, you've already found him a place to stay should he be released. Other then that, there is nothing else you can do.............and rather then spend the 3 days ruminating about something you have no control over anyway, you might make a conscious decision to enjoy your husband, your younger son, your life and YOU. I know how hard that is, believe me, however, after awhile with these kids, it's the only choice left! Tell yourself you've done all you can and let it go for now. As far as Christmas is concerned, yeah, that is too bad that he can't join you guys, but it's because of his own behavior, not anything you did.............the whole thing sucks, it really does,.......we parents have to make these hard choices due to the reality of who our kids are..........and it's not easy by any means. But, you have a life too. So does your husband and your other son. Try to enjoy the holidays with them. I hope you found a counselor to help you through this, it really does make a difference. I look forward to my Wed. therapy group, I gain strength and realize I'm not alone and get support to stay the course. You really are doing a good job, we just can't measure it by how great we feel, most of the time this stuff doesn't feel that good doing it, but each step takes us closer to a life worth living for US, one which has some peace and joy and a whole lot less worrying. (((HUGS))))
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you RE! You're right. There is no use in stressing out over something I have no control over and something that hasn't even happened yet. I don't even know if he'll be released and yes - I DID find him a place to stay and have made numerous calls and have sent numerous emails on his behalf so it's not like I don't care what happens to him. I care very much!!!

    I'm taking each day as it comes and I've been making a conscious effort lately to try to snap out of my "funk" and enjoy life. My health, my marriage and my relationship with my other son have taken a back seat to difficult child for a very long time now. I've been trapped in a guilt cycle with difficult child for his whole life basically and its really taken its toll.

    As always - thanks for your kind words and wise advice!!! I appreciate it more than you know!
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I finally got a call back from the court liaison for the mental health division. I was in a meeting at work but he left a VM saying he got all of my messages and emails and was going to evaluate difficult child today. He just needs a little more info regarding behavior issues. I left him a return message and hopefully he calls me back. If not I'll call again later or tomorrow. Hopefully this leads to something good. Maybe it will lead to difficult child getting the help he needs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to stress!!!
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey, good work, you're doing A LOT for your difficult child, you're offering him options for when he is released. That's all you an do. He then will make his choices. I hope it leads to difficult child getting the help he needs, but it may not, he may not take what's offered to him. Try not to make what he does or doesn't do impact your peace of's a practice, I know.....we practice've done a lot, you've done've done a wonderful's okay to let go and breathe and enjoy your life............
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    we have a program like that with our jail here too but I couldnt get Cory to take advantage of it because well, first he would have had to be sentenced and in jail I think, but two he would have to also fall under both mentally ill and substance abuse or developmentally delayed. He never wanted to admit to the mental illness in court and he never got more than tickets for a couple of joints which they dont consider substance abuse here. And the tickets were only two about 5 years apart. He never popped hot on a drug screen during probation.
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Well the court date is this morning at 8:30 am. I've managed not to stress out too much over the last few days. Surprisingly I'm pretty calm this morning as well. I think it helps to know that I did my part and now difficult child has to do his. We shall see. Not sure what will happen - if he'll be released or have to stay in jail - but I did find a place for him to go if he gets out and am working with the mental health division in the county he was arrested in. Wish me luck for an easy peaceful day today! I will post an update later.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending good thoughts that the court appearance goes the best way possible for your son's best interests and his mental health. You did all you can do, you did a good job. I just looked at the clock and he's in court right now............wishing you that peaceful day...........hugs.........
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm a little late but sending support your way thismorning. Hugs DDD
  10. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the support! As of now, according to an email from the mental health liaison, he was still waiting to go in front of the judge at 10 am. I asked if he could keep me updated and let me know the outcome. He said he would. He said his next step is to figure out if difficult child is committing crimes because of his mental health issues or if he's committing them due to a motive. He also told me that he's not sure if they can help difficult child because he is from out of state and it's difficult to locate resources but that he would review the case and interview difficult child some more and get back to me.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ok - so I looked at the online court docket system to see if there was any new info about difficult child. It says his bail has been changed from monetary to unsecured - still $10,000 - and that he has a formal arraignment date of 12/31/12. It says "Waived for Court" and also that difficult child "Waived Preliminary Hearing". It also says "confinement date ends 12/7/12". I guess that means he's getting out of jail today on this unsecured bail until his court date?? I'm so confused! Uggggh!

    I haven't spoken to the mental health liaison yet. Not sure if they helped him with the whole unsecured bail issue. I think so though. They offer supervised pretrial services which helps inmates like him get out until their court date. I'm stressed bc I don't know what difficult child will do once he's out and what's going to happen next. I called the shelter just now and the director will have a bed waiting for him tonight if he goes there. Not sure what the conditions of his release are but I do know he can't come home and if he does come back to NJ before court I have a feeling he'll never go back to PA willingly to face his charges.

    I also spoke to his case worker at the CMO here in NJ before and he so kindly told me that they are closing difficult child's case and he will no longer have services through them. He said that because they haven't seen difficult child face to face they can't keep his case open. The CM worker was so smug about it too. I could just picture his face and I wanted to punch him through the phone. Sorry I'm not a violent person but it's been that kind of day!

    So ok - head is spinning, heart is pounding, trying to breathe. I trying to be calm though. I keep reminding myself I can't control this.
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2012
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ok so he's out of jail on unsecured bond. He just called me from the cab. He's on his way to the shelter. He said he's required to stay in PA until this is resolved. He has to report to pretrial services every Monday by 4 pm. He seems fine. I guess 10 days in jail makes regular life look like peaches and cream. I'm going to breathe now.
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Yes, J, it's about time you breathed! I'm glad he has to stay in PA for a while. Thanks for updating.
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Yes CJ - breathing is a good thing! I am finding that it's just a tad easier this time bc we went through the whole jail/homeless issue already last month. So it's not "new". I think the new and unknown are what really do me in. Anyway, as horrible as this sounds, I'm glad he has to stay there too for now. At least this time it's (finally!) not ME telling him he has to do X, Y, and Z. It's a court of LAW and he has to follow their rules or he will go back to jail. This whole situation is a huge dose of much needed reality for him!
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi JKF. Well, he's out, he called you, he has a place to go, he has to report every Monday............he's on his path and you've done everything possible to keep him safe and have services provided for him. You done good Mom. Now, it's Friday night, the weekend, and you get to spend it with your husband and your younger boy. Go have some fun. Relax. Rest in the knowledge that you've done absolutely everything you CAN do right now. He's in his life. Remember to put aside the 30 minutes a day to worry and the rest of the day is all YOURS. Lots of HUGS for you........I wish you a joyful, relaxed, fun, playful, peaceful weekend. And, I'll be right there with you because that's my intention for this weekend too. Getting the tree, decorating the house, playing Christmas music, putting up the lights................yeah.............
  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Sitting here smiling RE! Thank you! For once I feel like I did good too! I am breathing easier and enjoying my night. Younger son is at a school event until 9:30 and husband and I went out for a nice dinner! We're getting our tree too this weekend and I'm looking forward to it! I'm starting to get into the holiday spirit which is something I didn't think I could muster up the strength for this year. Thanks again! Enjoy your weekend!!!
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    So glad to hear this, JKF! You deserve a nice weekend and some holiday spirit. Have a great time. :)