Stay-at-home mom or not?

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I just always wanted to be there for my kids. My mom did not work but she was a monster to me. I wanted my kids to feel warm and fuzzy about home and I didn't care if other people had more money. I loved when the neighborhood kids, all latch key, adopted me. I felt motherhood was my calling. I was a lot like my grandma. She loved kids. So did I.

I admit that in my older age I have switched to loving dogs more...lol. I do love my grands with all my heart but am not wanting to raise them.
That's the way it should be, SOT. Providing for, coddling, caring, loving, enjoying.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I never felt judged for any of my choices—staying at home, working, homeschooling, single motherhood, dating with kids, etc.

I remember back in the 90s, when I first looked into homeschooling. There were so many horror stories about police/school district/government officials giving people a hard time. Many who homeschooled seemed to feel that people judged them and were out to get them. They warned me not to go out during the school day with my kids and such. I found the opposite to be true.

Most people I talked to were curious, supportive of at least having the choice, many wished they could do it. If they didn’t like it, they didn’t say anything to me about it. Except my mom, of course. But I have never had a stranger say anything negative about any of my choices. I was interviewed for the small-town newspaper and they had great feedback. I started support groups and classes and brought more people in. It was all positive.
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I never felt judged for any of my choices—staying at home, working, homeschooling, single motherhood, dating with kids, etc.

I remember back in the 90s, when I first looked into homeschooling. There were so many horror stories about police/school district/government officials giving people a hard time. Many who homeschooled seemed to feel that people judged them and were out to get them. They warned me not to go out during the school day with my kids and such. I found the opposite to be true.

Most people I talked to were curious, supportive of at least having the choice, many wished they could do it. If they didn’t like it, they didn’t say anything to me about it. Except my mom, of course. But I have never had a stranger say anything negative about any of my choices. I was interviewed for the small-town newspaper and they had great feedback. I started support groups and classes and brought more people in. It was all positive.
I can't say I ever felt judged for being the stay-at-home mom that I was, but somehow I always sort of felt like an outsider. Neighbourhood mothers in our hood all worked, aside from myself and one or two others. I think more than anything I wanted to bring home money for the family, too.

Needless to say, looking back on it now, I am so grateful for having had to opportunity to stay-at-home and raise my kids every step of the way.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I never felt judged for any of my choices—staying at home, working, homeschooling, single motherhood, dating with kids, etc.

I can't say I ever felt judged for being the stay-at-home mom that I was, but somehow I always sort of felt like an outsider

Well, I most certainly DID feel judged for being a working mom, mostly because I wanted so much to be a GOOD mom! One of the first things I did was join Parents As Teachers, and it was terribly hard to work with them as everything was geared toward stay at home mom's. Meetings were in the daytime, when I was at work. It took a lot to get the parent educators to come to my home in the early evening. The play center was open late only a couple times a week, but open every single weekday from 8 to 5. Then of course there were the remarks I got from people about "letting other people raise your children". Excuse me, but other people did NOT raise my son! I raised my son! I was a lawyer, albeit a lower-salaried public servant, and I was divorced from a man who refused to pay me a dime in child support or watch our son. Was I supposed to go on welfare and move into low-income housing or be homeless when I was educated and capable of holding down a job and paying a sitter? But I also had never been around young children and I really needed the support of parent's programs...but there were none that weren't intended for stay-at-home parents, not even mommy and me exercise classes.

:soapbox:
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Well, I most certainly DID feel judged for being a working mom, mostly because I wanted so much to be a GOOD mom! One of the first things I did was join Parents As Teachers, and it was terribly hard to work with them as everything was geared toward stay at home mom's. Meetings were in the daytime, when I was at work. It took a lot to get the parent educators to come to my home in the early evening. The play center was open late only a couple times a week, but open every single weekday from 8 to 5. Then of course there were the remarks I got from people about "letting other people raise your children". Excuse me, but other people did NOT raise my son! I raised my son! I was a lawyer, albeit a lower-salaried public servant, and I was divorced from a man who refused to pay me a dime in child support or watch our son. Was I supposed to go on welfare and move into low-income housing or be homeless when I was educated and capable of holding down a job and paying a sitter? But I also had never been around young children and I really needed the support of parent's programs...but there were none that weren't intended for stay-at-home parents, not even mommy and me exercise classes.

:soapbox:

Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that others didn’t have a different experience.

I was born to a single mother and a married man in a small farming community, and I never felt judged about that either (neither was my mom, that I remember). I may just be tone-deaf to veiled criticism.

I loved the parents-as-teachers classes! I taught them!
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
Well, I most certainly DID feel judged for being a working mom, mostly because I wanted so much to be a GOOD mom! One of the first things I did was join Parents As Teachers, and it was terribly hard to work with them as everything was geared toward stay at home mom's. Meetings were in the daytime, when I was at work. It took a lot to get the parent educators to come to my home in the early evening. The play center was open late only a couple times a week, but open every single weekday from 8 to 5. Then of course there were the remarks I got from people about "letting other people raise your children". Excuse me, but other people did NOT raise my son! I raised my son! I was a lawyer, albeit a lower-salaried public servant, and I was divorced from a man who refused to pay me a dime in child support or watch our son. Was I supposed to go on welfare and move into low-income housing or be homeless when I was educated and capable of holding down a job and paying a sitter? But I also had never been around young children and I really needed the support of parent's programs...but there were none that weren't intended for stay-at-home parents, not even mommy and me exercise classes.

:soapbox:
Oh yes... I can definitely see being judged for being a working mom, however, my guess is that would be (and was) the result of the old-fashioned way of thinking. My mom was always like, "when you have kids, you stay home and raise them properly".

I myself never have looked down on mothers who work outside the home, particularly today, where the dollar just doesn't take people anywhere near as far as it once used to.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I can't say I ever felt judged for being the stay-at-home mom that I was, but somehow I always sort of felt like an outsider. Neighbourhood mothers in our hood all worked, aside from myself and one or two others. I think more than anything I wanted to bring home money for the family, too.

Needless to say, looking back on it now, I am so grateful for having had to opportunity to stay-at-home and raise my kids every step of the way.

I was usually doing the opposite of what everyone else was doing. I enjoyed it!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I used to be very opinionated and I still can be but I really try not to do that as much. I don't judge like I used to and certainly
not about whether a mother should stay home, work, use certain diapers, etc. I am more pigheaded about smoking and spanking :). I am really really anti smoking!

But it's all just opinion, not fact
 
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Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I used to be very opinionated and I still can be but I really try not to do that as much. I don't judge like I used to and certainly my not about whether a mother should stay home, work, use certain diapers, etc. I am more pigheaded about smoking and spanking :). I am really really anti smoking!

But it's all just opinion, not fact
Only in a perfect world would our race be void of opinion.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I was just extremely lucky. But this was ages ago.

When our son was in college he got a summer job that turned into a regular job. When college classes started, even though he was a top notch employee that had won awards at work etc. ...there just wasn’t a good way for him to go PT. PT was 35 hours a week. That’s absurd. He did that his first semester and did terribly at school. One day a repeat customer noticed how hard he was working and offered him a job. He said no at first. Then the customer cane back later and said I’ll more than double your salary and you can work ten hours a week so that you can attend class and do well. Son quit immediately and did phenomenally well.

He made great money and was on the honor roll at College.

by the way, he had a Difficult Child year in 11th grade. It all changed incredibly. :) A success story for sure. A lot of credit goes to those jobs...particularly that one for ten hours a week.
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I was just extremely lucky. But this was ages ago.

When our son was in college he got a summer job that turned into a regular job. When college classes started, even though he was a top notch employee that had won awards at work etc. ...there just wasn’t a good way for him to go PT. PT was 35 hours a week. That’s absurd. He did that his first semester and did terribly at school. One day a repeat customer noticed how hard he was working and offered him a job. He said no at first. Then the customer cane back later and said I’ll more than double your salary and you can work ten hours a week so that you can attend class and do well. Son quit immediately and did phenomenally well.

He made great money and was on the honor roll at College.

by the way, he had a Difficult Child year in 11th grade. It all changed incredibly. :) A success story for sure. A lot of credit goes to those jobs...particularly that one for ten hours a week.
What a happy success story, Nomad! :) Good on you.

I'm pleasantly laughing to myself right now... smile from ear to ear, regarding the "ages ago" comment. :) So true, sometimes life does seem like it unfolded ages ago, and I guess being in my 50's now, a lot of it was ages ago! LOL!
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that others didn’t have a different experience.

I wasn't actually talking to anyone in particular. :oops: Sorry. I'm a tad sensitive about it even after all these years.

I think the bad part was the people who I needed support from, the groups for parents of little kids, were the ones that had ALL this help and ALL these programs...if you didn't work. If you did it was, "Oh well..." And I really needed it! I'd never been around babies. I babysat a toddler ONE time - and @Pink Elephant you'll be thrilled to know she had a diaper pail of cloth diapers though she told me to use the disposables - but I ended up calling my mom in a panic because I thought he had a fever and NEVER did it again! I literally hadn't ever held a baby as little as my son! I had to have a nurse teach me to change his diaper! I suppose I was lucky that the cheating, gold-digger of an ex stayed as long as he did since he knew about babies. Once he was 6 months and ex ran off, I was on my own! It's awful when the people who you turn to for help sometimes make you feel like you're just wrong.

I had the same problem with the La Leche league. Horrible women.
 
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AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I wasn't actually talking to anyone in particular. :oops: Sorry. I'm a tad sensitive about it even after all these years.

I think the bad part was the people who I needed support from, the groups for parents of little kids, were the ones that had ALL this help and ALL these programs...if you didn't work. If you did it was, "Oh well..." And I really needed it! I'd never been around babies. I babysat a toddler ONE time - and @Pink Elephant you'll be thrilled to know she had a diaper pail of cloth diapers though she told me to use the disposables - but I ended up calling my mom in a panic because I thought he had a fever and NEVER did it again! I literally hadn't ever held a baby as little as my son! I had to have a nurse teach me to change his diaper! I suppose I was lucky that the cheating, gold-digger of an ex stayed as long as he did since he knew about babies. Once he was 6 months and ex ran off, I was on my own! It's awful when the people who you turn to for help sometimes make you feel like you're just wrong.

I had the same problem with the La Leche league. Horrible women.

We all have sensitivities to something.

With me, it’s people telling me to cut my daughter’s hair. It’s long and thick and curly and goes down to the middle of her rear end, and people think they get to have a say in how she wears it, for some reason. I said something unkind (very loudly) to my sister, who picked the day before my grandmother’s funeral to go into the subject, yet again. At a restaurant. With lots of relatives around. My hubby has a name for THE DAY. It was extremely embarrassing, and I regret it so very much.

I didn’t care for La Leche League, either. I found them too dogmatic, and a “we have the one and only way to do this” attitude, at least the ones I came into contact with.

I’m sorry you weren’t supported in your time of need.
 

svengandhi

Well-Known Member
I also felt judged for being a working mom. In my community, many of the husbands are high earners (think Wall Street) and the wives stay at home, lunch and do the PTA. Meetings were during the day and even some of the fundraisers, etc. were brunch or lunch activities.

My mom worked, too, so that was my example.

I also had an awful experience with La Leche League. I tried to nurse my first, but had to switch him to soy formula at 2 months because he was allergic and failed to thrive. My LLL person, who had been helping me with the mechanics of nursing, became irate and enraged when I called to thank her and tell her I wouldn't need her help anymore. She accused me of being an incompetent moron who cared more about her own eating habits than her baby being able to nurse! In reality, my son's digestive issues were related to his having been a little premature and not due to my food intake. He thrived on soy. I went on to have 4 more children and nursed them all with zero reliance on LLL. To me, they are like PETA. Good idea, horrible execution.
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I wasn't actually talking to anyone in particular. :oops: Sorry. I'm a tad sensitive about it even after all these years.

I think the bad part was the people who I needed support from, the groups for parents of little kids, were the ones that had ALL this help and ALL these programs...if you didn't work. If you did it was, "Oh well..." And I really needed it! I'd never been around babies. I babysat a toddler ONE time - and @Pink Elephant you'll be thrilled to know she had a diaper pail of cloth diapers though she told me to use the disposables - but I ended up calling my mom in a panic because I thought he had a fever and NEVER did it again! I literally hadn't ever held a baby as little as my son! I had to have a nurse teach me to change his diaper! I suppose I was lucky that the cheating, gold-digger of an ex stayed as long as he did since he knew about babies. Once he was 6 months and ex ran off, I was on my own! It's awful when the people who you turn to for help sometimes make you feel like you're just wrong.

I had the same problem with the La Leche league. Horrible women.
LOL, Lil! You know, I know of mothers today, some that had babysitting experience growing up (like me), and others that no babysitting experience, and a few that were around younger children and babies growing up, even a few that had children of their own, still lack that motherly instinct of proper holding, etc. They even look out of place when carrying a baby or dealing with problems related to little ones, so it's one of those things that we women aren't necessarily born with, as so many like to believe.

At the time my first siblings were making their debut, I was more of a mommy's helper, fetching this, getting that, rounding-up one of these or one of those (sort of big sisters), but I was always watching how things were done, and when my mom would change someone's diapers, I was right there standing at the end of the crib watching, and though I never put one-and-one together at the time it was happening, my mom was in a sense, molding me for the feeding and changing that would come. She explained things to me like, "always keep a couple of fingers between the baby and the diaper when pinning, so you don't prick the baby", and having her drum those certain things into me time and time again as she did, I well knew the drill as to how to change a diaper long before I ever actually officially changed one.
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I also felt judged for being a working mom. In my community, many of the husbands are high earners (think Wall Street) and the wives stay at home, lunch and do the PTA. Meetings were during the day and even some of the fundraisers, etc. were brunch or lunch activities.

My mom worked, too, so that was my example.

I also had an awful experience with La Leche League. I tried to nurse my first, but had to switch him to soy formula at 2 months because he was allergic and failed to thrive. My LLL person, who had been helping me with the mechanics of nursing, became irate and enraged when I called to thank her and tell her I wouldn't need her help anymore. She accused me of being an incompetent moron who cared more about her own eating habits than her baby being able to nurse! In reality, my son's digestive issues were related to his having been a little premature and not due to my food intake. He thrived on soy. I went on to have 4 more children and nursed them all with zero reliance on LLL. To me, they are like PETA. Good idea, horrible execution.
I never had any experiences with LLL, or any other baby/child organizations, and in a lot of ways I'm glad. I can only imagine the inside competitions that would arise among mothers involved. "My kid is already toilet trained, and he's only 8 months of age", or "my kid started walking at age 6 months".
 

Pink Elephant

Well-Known Member
I babysat a toddler ONE time - and @Pink Elephant you'll be thrilled to know she had a diaper pail of cloth diapers though she told me to use the disposables
I only remember two homes where disposables were used (my babysitting days), one being disposables fulltime, the other being the combination practice of using both cloth and disposable, and whenever I sat at the combination home, I always reached for a cloth diaper at change-time.
 
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