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Substance Abuse
Staying detached while tethered....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687901" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This quote, RN, is helping me understand our situation better.</p><p></p><p>My son is benefiting from accountability to us but he has not decided to be accountable to himself, when he makes commitments to us. He makes commitments to us to get things he wants. While we are within sight, he more or less maintains them. When we are out of sight, he does not. </p><p></p><p>That he is living better with our help is major. But it is wearing us down. The lying. The manipulating. The shirking.</p><p></p><p>But of course his demeanor makes sense. When the cat is away, the mouse will play. He has never bought into what we want, our goals. He is invested in his own. What to do?</p><p>I know. As long as <em>we want things for them</em>, we are vulnerable.</p><p>You know I did this with my son and I believe it had very good results.</p><p></p><p>I do not see your son's attitudes and behavior as that troubling. As I said in your other thread, he seems to be acting like the big guy. He prefers to think that the only strength and stable ground he has to stand on is through you guys.</p><p></p><p>Of course that is not true. He is demonstrating that he can stand alone and survive. Living and working independently. But he does not want to. That is the key, I think. He seems to prefer living off your dime and calling the shots.</p><p></p><p>I think that you need to move way out of it. Let him be. Let him decide when and under what terms to return to college. Let him pay for it. Let him find a place to live and pay for it. Let him be responsible for his sobriety and to earn it. It seems very clear to me looking at your kid, what needs to happen.</p><p></p><p>He seems capable and competent. Nothing you say indicates any mental illness. I would back out of the enmeshment, and let him be self-determining. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>Now in my own situation I am less clear because at 27 years old my son has not been able to get a stable living situation. He did hold a job for 15 months but really is not motivated to hold a job anymore. Pushing him out, he will be homeless again. Yet, I asked him to leave by today because he is not conforming to commitments he made to me and to us.</p><p></p><p>It seems clearer after writing this. Living with us or on our dime, they need to be accountable to our terms. Living independently, they can be accountable to themselves and for themselves. We need to respect that. With your son, I would keep the boundaries firm.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687901, member: 18958"] This quote, RN, is helping me understand our situation better. My son is benefiting from accountability to us but he has not decided to be accountable to himself, when he makes commitments to us. He makes commitments to us to get things he wants. While we are within sight, he more or less maintains them. When we are out of sight, he does not. That he is living better with our help is major. But it is wearing us down. The lying. The manipulating. The shirking. But of course his demeanor makes sense. When the cat is away, the mouse will play. He has never bought into what we want, our goals. He is invested in his own. What to do? I know. As long as [I]we want things for them[/I], we are vulnerable. You know I did this with my son and I believe it had very good results. I do not see your son's attitudes and behavior as that troubling. As I said in your other thread, he seems to be acting like the big guy. He prefers to think that the only strength and stable ground he has to stand on is through you guys. Of course that is not true. He is demonstrating that he can stand alone and survive. Living and working independently. But he does not want to. That is the key, I think. He seems to prefer living off your dime and calling the shots. I think that you need to move way out of it. Let him be. Let him decide when and under what terms to return to college. Let him pay for it. Let him find a place to live and pay for it. Let him be responsible for his sobriety and to earn it. It seems very clear to me looking at your kid, what needs to happen. He seems capable and competent. Nothing you say indicates any mental illness. I would back out of the enmeshment, and let him be self-determining. That is what I think. Now in my own situation I am less clear because at 27 years old my son has not been able to get a stable living situation. He did hold a job for 15 months but really is not motivated to hold a job anymore. Pushing him out, he will be homeless again. Yet, I asked him to leave by today because he is not conforming to commitments he made to me and to us. It seems clearer after writing this. Living with us or on our dime, they need to be accountable to our terms. Living independently, they can be accountable to themselves and for themselves. We need to respect that. With your son, I would keep the boundaries firm. [/QUOTE]
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