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Substance Abuse
Staying detached while tethered....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687915" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>RN. I did not mean to even imply that you were driving the recovery decisions. i know you are not. What I meant is that there is a next step for you and your son.</p><p></p><p>And that is that he emancipate and take responsibility for all of his decisions and maintaining his own welfare. Sometimes our children drive us to places we had not intended to go nor wanted to go. I see your son's situation as this.</p><p></p><p>He by his decisions and attitudes seems to be saying I will drive my own car (metaphorically) on my own terms where and when I want. I will use your resources (condo, money) in the way I choose. I will conform on the face of things, but I determine my attitudes and my being. Not you or anybody.</p><p></p><p>That I see as your son's current place. Because he has demonstrated he can do all of this independently, sustaining himself, he has in effect emancipated as an adult.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to be insensitive or rude but I see you and your husband as wanting to keep the role of parents<em> of a child. </em>While your son has not arrived at the attitudes and taken on the real sense of adult responsibility of an adult, he is walking the walk both in his actions and his attitudes. This is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>It seems like you are not accepting this, and still seem to want to drive him in the ways that you want him to go. I feel this because I do it to with my own son. The messiness in our situation is that my son does not see to have the capacity that does your son, and he is older. 27.</p><p></p><p>There is writing on the wall. Your son will do what he wants when he wants. You cannot control what he thinks and what he internalizes. You cannot make him commit to recovery or one other thing. He is independent in everything, except that he chooses to want to use you and to take advantage of what you can give him. The thing is, he does not benefit as a person by your allowing yourselves to be manipulated.</p><p></p><p>There is a time to give up the active parental role of responsibility over and for somebody....and the illusion of influence. Because that is all that there is. An illusion.</p><p></p><p>I have been frank with you. I would appreciate an equally frank and honest appraisal of where you see that I am at. The only way I can learn and change is with feedback.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to find the right balance between honesty and support.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687915, member: 18958"] RN. I did not mean to even imply that you were driving the recovery decisions. i know you are not. What I meant is that there is a next step for you and your son. And that is that he emancipate and take responsibility for all of his decisions and maintaining his own welfare. Sometimes our children drive us to places we had not intended to go nor wanted to go. I see your son's situation as this. He by his decisions and attitudes seems to be saying I will drive my own car (metaphorically) on my own terms where and when I want. I will use your resources (condo, money) in the way I choose. I will conform on the face of things, but I determine my attitudes and my being. Not you or anybody. That I see as your son's current place. Because he has demonstrated he can do all of this independently, sustaining himself, he has in effect emancipated as an adult. I do not want to be insensitive or rude but I see you and your husband as wanting to keep the role of parents[I] of a child. [/I]While your son has not arrived at the attitudes and taken on the real sense of adult responsibility of an adult, he is walking the walk both in his actions and his attitudes. This is a good thing. It seems like you are not accepting this, and still seem to want to drive him in the ways that you want him to go. I feel this because I do it to with my own son. The messiness in our situation is that my son does not see to have the capacity that does your son, and he is older. 27. There is writing on the wall. Your son will do what he wants when he wants. You cannot control what he thinks and what he internalizes. You cannot make him commit to recovery or one other thing. He is independent in everything, except that he chooses to want to use you and to take advantage of what you can give him. The thing is, he does not benefit as a person by your allowing yourselves to be manipulated. There is a time to give up the active parental role of responsibility over and for somebody....and the illusion of influence. Because that is all that there is. An illusion. I have been frank with you. I would appreciate an equally frank and honest appraisal of where you see that I am at. The only way I can learn and change is with feedback. It is hard to find the right balance between honesty and support. [/QUOTE]
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