Staying strong

[Sherril2000]

Well I hate to admit it, but I was stupid enough to buy my son a meal last night & give him a ride to his friends house. My reward for this? He called me at 1am telling me he needed my car. When I refused to let him use it, he threatened to steal a car. He also threatened to break into houses again to get money if I wouldn't give him any more. I'm learning though. Even though it terrifies me he might actually do either of these things, I refused to let him use my car & I also refused to give him any more money. He started smoking pot again after he violated probation. It seems like his whole personality changes when he smokes, & all he ever thinks about is getting high. I'm just trying to hang in there, & not enable him any further.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm so sorry. It does take awhile for us to learn, doesn't it? We want to follow our hearts instead of our minds.
I know what you mean about his personality changing. My son is the same way. And of course, he can't see it that way.

 

[Sherril2000]

Of course they can never see their own personality changes. My son is actually very mean when he smokes. It doesn't make him happy or mellow like he claims it does.

 

[wakeupcall]

I'm proud of myself for letting go as much as I have. Difficult Child lives with his father and the two of them have lots and lots of drama. I quit the drama a year or so ago and it's been wonderful. Often DCs father wants to suck me into it with them; but my husband refuses to let it happen. What has resulted is a far nicer Difficult Child to me despite what I think is still his continued pot use. I just let it go and as long as he isn't asking me to give him money or to bail him out' we have a rather decent relationship, though not as close as I had always hoped for....maybe someday.

 

[wakeupcall]

????How did Difficult Child turn into Department of Childrens services??????

 

[Tanya M]

You did great. So you bought him a meal and gave him ride. The important thing is you did not allow him to take your car.

When I refused to let him use it, he threatened to steal a car. He also threatened to break into houses again to get money if I wouldn't give him any more. I'm learning though. Even though it terrifies me he might actually do either of these things, I refused to let him use my car & I also refused to give him any more money.

I know you realize he is only saying these things to get a reaction out of you. He is relying on your fear to kick in and give into his demands. What he isn't counting on is that You are Stronger and Smarter than that. Good for you!!
I understand how scary it is to think that he might break into some ones house and steal from them or steal a car. I've been there, my son has been to jail numerous times for theft. To be quite honest, there is a pretty good chance your son has already done this. My son once told me he has stolen many times but never got caught.
There is also a good chance that your sons personality changes are not just from smoking pot. Another common trait of our difficult adult children. They lie about their actual drug use. My son for many years swore that he only smoked pot but truth; he was also drinking and doing LSD and other drugs.

Let go of the fear. He is going to do what's he's going to do and you expending energy on fear will not change that. You need to focus all your energy on YOU and what will bring joy into your life.

You are at the beginning of the journey to take your life back and the terrain is unfamiliar and rocky so you go slow until your footing is more solid. You will get through this.

((HUGS)) to you.......

 

[Sherril2000]

You did great. So you bought him a meal and gave him ride. The important thing is you did not allow him to take your car.


I know you realize he is only saying these things to get a reaction out of you. He is relying on your fear to kick in and give into his demands. What he isn't counting on is that You are Stronger and Smarter than that. Good for you!!
I understand how scary it is to think that he might break into some ones house and steal from them or steal a car. I've been there, my son has been to jail numerous times for theft. To be quite honest, there is a pretty good chance your son has already done this. My son once told me he has stolen many times but never got caught.
There is also a good chance that your sons personality changes are not just from smoking pot. Another common trait of our difficult adult children. They lie about their actual drug use. My son for many years swore that he only smoked pot but truth; he was also drinking and doing LSD and other drugs.

Let go of the fear. He is going to do what's he's going to do and you expending energy on fear will not change that. You need to focus all your energy on YOU and what will bring joy into your life.

You are at the beginning of the journey to take your life back and the terrain is unfamiliar and rocky so you go slow until your footing is more solid. You will get through this.

((HUGS)) to you.......

 

[Sherril2000]

Thank you for your reply. I'm trying to let go of the fear, but it's not easy. You're so right about the drug use. Saw he was bragging again on social media that he was using lean last night. Just another way to manipulate me. I'm an ICU nurse & he knows I worry because I see kids come in with- OD's all the time. Praying!

 

[Tanya M]

You might want to limit what you view on social media and also what you allow him to see. I am "friends" with my son on FB as that is his only way to communicate with me. He's to irresponsible to have a phone but manages to hold onto his Kindle and access free WIFI.
He cannot see anything I post on my FB page and even when I do post stuff it's of a very general nature. The reason I do this is a few years ago my son started posting some very ugly stuff on my wall, it got to the point I had to block him and he was blocked for almost 2 years.
He sent me a friend request about 6 months ago and I accepted but as I said, I have my security settings set to where he cannot see anything I post. Basically the only way he can communicate with me is via private message. Boundaries!!
I also know that if I look at his FB page that I might see things I don't want to see which will stir up feelings that I don't want to have.
We have to power at our fingertips to not look. I suggest you limit it. We don't want them to draw us into their life's dramas so we need to not invite ourselves by looking at their postings.

 

[BusynMember]

Consider that your son may be using more than just pot, maybe spice or other harder drugs that change your personality. Although pot does affect some people badly (I am one...makes me very paranoid...I tried it a few times then quit because it was really not good to me)...I have never heard of pot making somebody angry or threatening. We rarely know what our kids are using. That's just the way it is. We want to think it's just pot, but usually, if we get to this forum, it is far more than pot.

Good for you for staying strong. The important part...giving him your car...you were strong about. Buying him a meal is no biggie. I did it. I can't say I would have driven to a friends house since my daughter's friends were bad news and she wasn't going to see them because of me. I couldn't stop her, but I didn't have to give her a lift.

But you're doing really good for being new at this! You may want to consider not always answering his calls and texts. If he calls to ask how you're doing, that's a good thing. It almost never happens. It is usually them calling because they want something from us and if we don't deliver, they abuse us out the wazoo. I told my biggest abusers recently that if they abuse me I will no longer stay on the phone. I will hang up and not answer the phone again if they call for three days. It has been amazingly effective, but my kid in particular had to believe I'd really do it.

 

[Sherril2000]

Great advice. Not taking his calls for 3 days would really make him think!

 

[BusynMember]

I not only don't call, I don't pick up HIS calls for three days. If you read my newest post, it will be much longer than three days this time.