Staying the course

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WearyMom18, Apr 10, 2015.

  1. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Aahhh, I'm taking a deep breath this afternoon after getting my errands run and dealing with yet another rear of my Difficult Child'S precious dysfunctional head lol.

    Last night she text (from yet another number) and said 'Please save me Mom. David is mean and he won't let me leave.' Proudly I can say my first thought and reaction wasn't to jump up and go nor was it to in anyway get myself upset. Rather I told th what the message said and we both just stared at each other. I thought for a moment and responded I'm sorry you feel that way. minutes later I received a message from David ( the guy that took her in) and he said exactly what my gut was telling me. He said he was providing all of her needs but would not provide her wants and her want is dope. He said that's exactly why she thinks he is mean. I told him I agreed with him and he said in his last message that she is fine.

    I didn't hear from her again until today at around noon. She text from yet another number to tell me that I didn't need to worry about coming to get her. I didn't respond but I blocked that number too after telling her not to contact me for money or a place to stay until she decides to help herself.

    I'm getting better at this but if certainly doesn't mean it's any easier. I feel a tinge of guilt when I block all those numbers and actually tell her not to contact me but I've got to have some distance or I'm going to scream. I think I deserve to have just a few months where I don't have to jump everytime I hear a text message come in or screen every phone call. If I can get some peace for a while, just a little while, I think I will be ready again to deal with her. She is a full fledged meth addict and using all the classic methods of manipulation, mainly emotional ones with me because she knows how hurt I am and has me shed many a tear over the past several years. She is hitting me where it hurts and I don't like her for that but I know it's her addiction talking too.

    I'm off for a girls night with my sister to enjoy some tex-mex and margaritas! Yay!

    Hugs to everyone!
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  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good for you!!

    Oh that darn guilt, it can sneak up on you. I've been dealing with my Difficult Child for 20 years and there are times I get a little twinge and then I remember all the reasons I have nothing to feel guilty about.

    So glad you are going out to have some fun.

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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    You cannot save or fix her. My husband, who has worked with many parents and their addicted children/young adults, says repeatedly: it will be crystal clear when the person is really serious about changing. You won't wonder. The person will be humble, and he or she will be at their bottom.

    It is perfectly okay for you to take a giant step back from Her for a while. Your involvement is not make or break. That took me a loonnnnggg time to really "get"!

    Enjoy the heck out of your girls' night out!! Let it go, let it go, let it gooooo....
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  4. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Great evening, got to play with my absolute angel of a niece (she's 20 months old and an absolute pure joy) and had a great dinner and drinks with my sister. It was a fun evening - haven't done that in quite a while!

    As I drove home, a song came on the radio that my Difficult Child always sang and for just a moment, the pain almost choked me. I felt a lump in my throat and I hurt for the pathetic existance my daughter is living and the loss of opportunity and time. She has missed one court date which will result in an arrest warrant and I'm sure jail time. Next week, is her second court date that I'm sure she won't attend, which will result in yet another arrest warrant and for the first time I'm not hurt that I can't help her, I'm hurting because it's sad - just plain sad. I guess some of that hurt is also because I miss her - I wouldn't mind the opportunity to hug her and tell her I love her.

    I know that one day I will get to again - at least that is my hope. It's hard to do the tough love thing knowing that it makes it hard for your child even though, in the long run, it's what's best for her.

    I think that feeling sadness is part of being a parent of a Difficult Child, part of living tough love, detachment and disengaging from co-dependency and its OK to feel sad. It's a sad situation and I mourn the choices my daughter is making for herself. I also know that I can't save her and by helping her with money or transportation I am actually hurting her - and that is also sad.

    Don't we all wish we could save our children? The same children that are now adults but were once those sweet babies we gave birth to? I know I do - I wish it was possible for me to save her but it just isn't and I've accepted that fact. I'm glad I have accepted it because before I understood that, boy was it a desperate, painful feeling of suffering and sadness.

    I can now feel sad when it comes along but it no longer lingers because I am worthy of peace and a happy life. I want to be healthy and happy and stable when and if the time ever comes that my daughter turns the corner and gets back on the highway of healthy life. I want to be there to enjoy her and love her. If that time never comes I will be disappointed and wish it had been different but I will accept it because it's the reality. I am facing this difficulty in my life head-on - working through the emotions and temptations with my eyes wide open. No more burying my head in the sand to avoid really admitting and accepting what is happening with my life and my child and what my role is in the mess of it.

    I imagine I will always feel a bit of sadness or maybe even a lot of sadness at times so long as my daughter makes these choices and I'm okay with that - it's only the natural emotion to feel when you miss your Difficult Child. I'm okay, more okay than I have been in the past 4 years because I know where I stand and how to deal with what could have been a crippling circumstance for me emotionally if I were to allow it.

    I love my Difficult Child and always will. I will always be her mother and by nature I will always hope for her happiness and health and want only the best for her. I will be here when and if she finds a way to love herself too.

    Until then, I'm okay.
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are a strong and wise woman Weary Mom. I am impressed with your ability to understand the deep sadness inherent in detachment....... and then to allow "lean in" as COM says. Surrendering to what is, in my opinion, is what frees us from the suffering. To argue with reality is to suffer.

    This is a mind blowingly difficult path to be on........we are asked to let go of the most precious people in our lives, our children..........and at the same time, to learn how to accept what is and to recognize our remarkable powerlessness in the face of the choices another makes..........

    You're doing a stellar job in letting go. Stay the course......we're right there with you......
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Weary, I'm so glad you had a good, fun evening.

    You are doing so well in accepting and letting go of your daughter's life choices. You are taking your life back and living in the moment and that is a healthy thing to do.

    As I've said before, I've been doing this for 20 years with my son and while I successfully detached a long time ago and have gone on to live my life there is always an underlying sadness in my heart. I will always have hope that someday he will turn his life around but I have learned to not give to much energy to that as you can be sucked back in. There have been numerous times over the years that I thought my son was making some positive changes only to find out he was scamming me, playing a role, letting me see what I wanted to see. Each time having to go through the whole detachment process again and all the pain that goes with it. Oh how I wish I would have known about this forum then!!

    I can so relate to this. For me it happens at Christmas when I'm decorating the tree. I open up our box of ornaments and there are ornaments that my son made back when he was that sweet loving little boy. It always makes me take pause. I don't put the ornaments on the tree anymore, haven't for years, it's just hurts to much.

    And this is all you can do. Child/05/33ec054a6eb308ce93a109960d7fdcba.jpg
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  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I feel so proud for your strength. I know it must have been hard, but you are handling it so well! Your child is safe where she is, and you are exactly right to take this time to heal and strengthen and recover yourself and your balance.

    I love it that you posted about not liking her for what she is doing but realizing it is her addiction talking.


    Tex-mex and margaritas with your sister will be the perfect thing.


    I love that happy feeling in Tex-mex restaurants. It's like stepping right out of our responsible grown up shoes and into a sombrero. Everything can be dealt with manana. Perfect choice!

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  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Understanding and believing this is key to my growing ability to detach.

    I can love them and do nothing. I can love them and believe they are strong enough and bright enough. Believing in them to handle things themselves does not mean I don't love them.

    It means I trust them to do the right thing as they see it.

    These are the things I tell myself when guilt or shame at turning away from someone in trouble hits me hardest.

    This is a very important concept for parents raising difficult child kids.

    I love that you said it so simply.

    My involvement is not make or break.

    On the fridge it goes.

    That is the hard part. Determining what is our best response for the sake of the child.

    And you are right. It is much harder to do nothing. And it kills, to say no when they are in crisis.

    Everything about this changes who we thought we were.

    I know. And we have to keep that like a little secret in our hearts, where it can make us strong.

    I suppose learning how to do this has much to do with learning how to be strong enough to survive what is happening. It's like following a mostly hidden trail, to learn the way to see what is happening for what it is, and to keep our hearts open and our lovingness alive. We are so vulnerable when we are open to what is happening, and we tell ourselves the truth about it, and about how that all feels.



    It's Mission: Impossible to do that, but it does seem like the best way to come through this intact.

    And the kids do pick themselves up somehow without us to fall back on.

    It's hard to do.

    Good job.


    Proud of you.

    For me, that song was Sweet Child of Mine by that stupid Guns and Roses.

    Every Rose Has It's Thorns (also by that band I hate by proxy, because their music is so intimately part of those terrible times) describes the looking back on it ~ the love and the pain and the beauty.

    Geez, I hate that band.

    And love their music.

    Beautifully written. Just beautiful, and true.

    Ouch, Tanya.

    It is always a strange surprise to discover which, of all the broken dream moments, still retain the power to break our hearts.

    Christmas doesn't do it, for me. For me, it is anything to do with Rottweilers. Our son had two Rotties that he loved and sacrificed for and took excellent care of through everything he went through. The dogs have both died by now, and he saw them through that, too.

    So for me, it is Rottweilers that freshen that old pain enough to break me.

    I don't know yet what that thing will be for these past few years with difficult child daughter and everything that happened, there.

    But I do know that now that I understand this piece of my grieving or healing self, I will bless myself for having come through it loving my son and myself, and for having been able to do that, each time I feel that pain that Rottweilers bring.

    It's like it squeezes my heart, to think of them.


    There are so many places for us to actively, consciously, heal.

  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    For me it is the Lynyrd Skynyrd song Simple Man.

    Mama told me when I was young
    Come sit beside me, my only son
    And listen closely to what I say
    And if you do this
    It will help you some sunny day

    Oh take your time, don't live too fast
    Troubles will come and they will pass
    Go find a woman and you'll find love
    And don't forget son
    There is someone up above

    And be a simple kind of man
    Oh be something you love and understand
    Baby be a simple kind of man
    Oh won't you do this for me son if you can?

    Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
    All that you need is in your soul
    And you can do this if you try
    All that I want for you my son
    Is to be satisfied

    And be a simple kind of man
    Oh be something you love and understand
    Baby be a simple kind of man
    Oh won't you do this for me son if you can?
    Oh yes I will

    Oh don't you worry, you'll find yourself
    Follow your heart and nothing else
    And you can do this oh baby, if you try
    All that I want for you my son
    Is to be satisfied

    And be a simple kind of man
    Oh be something you love and understand
    Baby be a simple kind of man
    Oh won't you do this for me son if you can?

    Baby be a simple, be a simple man
    Oh be something you love and understand
    Baby be a simple kind of man

    Difficult Child used to play it in a cover band when he was quite small, and a talented drummer. I used to go to smoky bars and watch his head pop up behind the drums because he had to stand to hit the base pedal. Because he was so little. I always loved that song.

    I try to turn the heart ache of those memories into a garden of happy memories. We had another thread about this. I believe it is best to keep the happy memories as happy. Sometimes I have to be creative to make that happen.

    Hugs for everyone today.

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    WearyMom18, good for you! I hear you. I am going through something similar. My son is home now but it's only been one night and half a day.
    I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.