Stealing/lying daughter and wonderful granson

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Crying, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. Crying

    Crying New Member

    I truely have no clue what to do anymore. I found this forum and just really need to get this out of me. I even skipped work because I am so ****ed emotional/angry right now and can't think straight. My daughter 20, for many many years, is a liar and a theif. She has stolen from mostly me, but also other family members and even what she calls friends. She has no guilt. None. Ever. She plays the I'm sorry card only if I push it to the extremes and that's only sometimes. She has been living with us off and on for several years. She had our beautiful granson 2 years ago. She, for the most part, has been living here quite regularly since he was born. Probably because I threaten her due to the situations/conditions she has put my grandson in.

    She steals so much from me that my husband had to put nails all around my bedroom door so she and her theiving friends could not slide a credit card, knife, anything into it to open it. I sleep on top of my pocket book. I have to get all my clothes out of the dryer before I go to bed and put them in my room and lock the door. I literally cannot go to the bathroom for a split second and leave my door unlocked or my purse in another room. My check books have to be locked up also..obviously. Yes, she went there..10 minutes of leaving more bedroom unlocked she managed to get in and write a check to herself. Money is stolen from me weekly from my purse, because sometimes I think I'm doing something quickly that she would not have time to get into my pocket book, but she does.

    Well, it had been almost a month since she wrote the check to herself. So last night, when she came home..I set it up my purse to test her. She fell for it...literally just a few minutes and my 40 dollars was gone. Mind you, the only people in my house is my husband, who was sleeping on the couch, my grandson, who is 2, and her! The one that ALWAYS steals from me. I opened my pocket book in front of her to see if the money was still there..of course it wasn't, and I could see the change in her face and posture. I told her to give it back. She swore to me on her own childs life she did not take it. I have been through this so so many actually bores me now. We have now been fighting all night..I didn't give her a ride this morning to where she wanted to go..told her to use the money to get a taxi. She goes on FB and does the whole wah wah thing to her friends about how horrible I am without saying it's me she's talking about. She says she is done with me. Really?!!! Really?!!! I have never sworn so much in my head than I have this morning...I feel I am losing my mind!!!!! Mind you, we buy all the diapers, wipes, food, pay all the house hold bills that she pitches in nothing for, take care of her baby completely. And she continues to do this to me. It never ever stops..she even steals my make up...Nothing, nothing is safe in my house from this girl. My bedroom is not big enough to lock up everything that means something to me.

    I have no more jewelry left over the years excpet whats on my finger. I have no more guilt left for not being a perfect parent to her standards left anymore either. I am at my wits heart hurts. I try to help her all the time without over doing it...even bought her a car so she could get to work and try and be a good citizen..(not stealing but earning). She wrecked that car..along with other peoples cars...when she went to the hospital after she wrecked the car we bought (was in our name), they gave her treatment, well my health insurance was going to pay it..but they do it weird and sent her the check to pay the hospital bill. I waited and waited then finally said something about where the check was so I could pay the bill..I was getting ready to call the insurance company and she told me she already got the check and cashed/spent it. She thought they were paying her for being in the hospital...really?? Again, really??!!!

    There are just so so many incidents with this child that I could literally write a book. I can't stand my own daughter...I don't like her..she cares nothing of her real family...she calls a druggy, screaming, thief her mother. It makes me sick to my stomach. I have kicked her out..but I worry about my grandson..she hangs out with the worse people. The only time I have slept well is when she is not here and my grandson is. I then have no worries...I stopped worring about her a while ago...she is just an awful person to me and for so long that I have become numb to her. I know that sounds horrible, she is my daughter, but she has caused so much pain in my life..and so much worry and has taken advantage of mostly me for to many years to remember. When does it end....can she not see that life is harder for her when she steals from me? She knows she needs our help. She is the best liar and theif there is AND she has no guilt EVER. God, I can go on and on...and I am in my head..I'm just tired and lost...
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Whether she lives with you or not, I would not help her financially ever again. She is using drugs, I assume. The stealing and lying usually goes along with drug abuse...they steal to buy drugs and they lie because the drugs/addiction takes over their minds. Have you ever called the police? Is there any way you can get custody of your grandson? It isn't right for you to have to live with her while she steals you blind. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome...

    First (((hugs))) for your hurting heart.

    Second - I am very sorry you are having to deal with this right now - It is very unfair to you and your family.

    Will you be pressing charges against your daughter for any of the stealing or the forged checks?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Another one who thinks the boundaries need to be set and to call CPS. They need supervision and you can help them a little, but agree that girlfriend is just going to keep having more kids if you are overly involved. Maybe you ought to also make this clear to your son so he won't be so willing to help her pop a baby.

    So sorry you are going through this.
  5. Crying

    Crying New Member

    I am no longer helping her financially...I stopped paying fines and all the accident bills a while ago. yes, she is into the pills..She asked for help, we gave it to her..put her in detox and rehabilitation for 30,000 a month. I fell for it was only to get the "good" drugs that they provide in rehab. She quit in the middle of it. Then her friend made his round in there also. She has used and abused my insurance at every emergency room hospital in my state and started to go out of state for these pills. She already used up all the doctors..will not give them to her. I did not call the police ..she was all over the place with her son so I threatened her that I would call the police if she did not drop her son off with us immediately..then I told her to go and get help! We had nothing left to offer emotionally or financially. That was the last time I kicked her out. The custoday thing is difficult. She does not live with the baby'sfather. He has half custody. He also has a pill problem. Unfotunately, we were lead to believe that the judge in their case is a family friend of the father's side. I do not want to lose all custody of my grandson. He needs us. The other grandmother, I am afraid to say, will limit our visitation to an extreme. She already tries to do it now if she watches our grandson while we work or his mother drops him off there. He really is such an amazing little boy. We need to keep the good in his life.
  6. Crying

    Crying New Member

    Thank you :) I will not be pressing charges due to the reasons on my last post...
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    MWM -

    I think you have accidentally posted on the wrong thread...this doesn't apply here.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Probably!!!! lol
  9. Crying

    Crying New Member

    I am sorry. I am new to this forum thing and not sure where my replies are going to..They don't seem to be posting when I reply to all of you.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Crying. I am so sorry you are in the predicament you're in with your daughter. It's a terrible place to be. If you read some of our posts, you will see that you are not alone and where you find yourself is where many of us have been. There are no easy answers to where you are, however, the difficult and likely necessary answer for you is to set clear boundaries with your daughter and stop enabling her. You and your husband must get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are not, with everything but especially about the stealing and about your grandson. The hard line and often the only option left to us, is to first stop the incredible negative behavior which is making you crazy and sick. The first thought that comes to mind is to call the police and have your daughter arrested for stealing from you. This is no way to live for you and she gets off every time with no consequences.

    For you to have to sleep on your purse, lock all your valuables up and live the way you do is not only just horrible, it is so remarkably unfair to you and your husband and your daughter is holding you and your husband as hostages in your own home. She is a thief. I can understand completely why you feel the way you feel, unfortunately, you have helped to create the situation because you have allowed it. You are enabling her. She is taking advantage of you in every single way possible.

    You need help. If I were in your shoes, and I have been very close to it, I would get myself into therapy immediately. I would find a support group. Your daughter is likely taking drugs or using something and you may get support in a 12 step group like Codependents anonymous, alanon, or any parent group they offer. You may want to decide if you are willing to raise your grandson or what the boundaries are around that for you and husband and once you are clear, look into options. If you want to raise him, then get the information necessary to find out how to go about that. Your daughter may or may not ever change her behavior, so figure out where your boundaries are.

    Unfortunately, none of the choices you're faced with are going to be easy on you. You will worry. But you are the only one who is going to change this situation because your daughter has a great life, you take care of everything and even allow her to steal from you and you do nothing to change that, so she is not going to change it. I think you first need to acknowledge the absurdity of how you are living. Then you need to figure out what your boundaries are, do you want her to continue living with you or do you want her to move and if she stays, what are your boundaries? But, absolutely, the first thing you need to do is report her to the police and charge her with theft. Of course that is hard, but you are clearly allowing her to steal from you and there are no consequences. Once she is arrested, do not bail her out or in any way save her, that is her natural consequence, that is life, we all have to live with boundaries, particularly legal ones.

    If she understands you will not tolerate stealing, she will stop stealing from you. You are the orchestrator of that fate, not her, she is not getting it, so you have to step in and make the rules, it's your house. From there on, the next steps will follow, exactly how you can unravel this for yourself, what YOU and your husband want to do. It is all up to you but you have to take your power in this situation back and make some hard choices. You can't save her, you may not be able to change her, all you can do is respond differently, make different choices that do not rescue her, which take care of you. You may want to read the article on detachment which is at the bottom of my post. Please keep posting, you will get a lot of support and insight from other parents here. Read through some of our posts to see that you are not alone, we know this heartache you are feeling, we understand how you can not like your own children, we get how angry and resentful you can feel, the worry, the despair, the fear, all of it. There are ways out of where you are, and they are very difficult, but the alternative is continuing to live the way you are, and I think you are at the end of that. So, stop it. Stop allowing your daughter to run your life, she has taken your freedom, your joy, your comfort, your peace of mind, take it back. Call the authorities. Start the ball rolling to get your life back, you deserve that. And she deserves consequences. Don't you pay the price for her, let her do it. I'm sorry, I know how difficult this is, but I believe you are at a very important crossroad here, look at your choices and take your life back. Many gentle hugs to you.
  11. Crying

    Crying New Member

    Thank you for the support and advice..all of you. I apologize for not being able to use this so well. I am trying to post this now through the reply to thread so I can see what I write to people.

    It is difficult to persue all these avenues right at this time. My sister is terminal and lives several hundred miles from me. I'm using all my time from work to go and take care of her when I can. Yes, it is extremely important to me to fix all of this with my daughter. But to have court dates with my sister being so ill and not with me much longer, I can't justify it to myself to let her take that time with my siter away from me. Which brings up another issue with my daughter. She felt the need to plast on facebook that I won't allower her to see "her auntie" because of her "past" and that she will hate me forever if she's not allowed to go see her. My sisters situation is this: She is dying, she has drugs all over the house, in every room, and on every table. She needs this to survive. My daughter would rob her blind. My husband and I discussed this. We would have to zip tie her to us while we try and sleep and he would have to sleep in front of the door so we would wake up if she tried to go anywhere in my sisters house. WEll, I can not, and will not do this. Every waking moment we would have to follow her around. And i promise...she would still manage to steal from her.

    So, I really don't want to give my only sister up for someone that has no respect or shame or guilt. I have a short time with her. I do understand what you all are probably thinking and I do really appreciated all responses and advice. I just wish I was in the situation that I could go through the courts. As it stands now, she is leaving my grandson with us when she has him whether she stays here or not. I truely am sick to my stomach over everything..
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us but sure sorry you had to seek us out. I completely understand your need to protect your grandson. Our whole life revolved around making sure our first grandson was safely at home with us and then later that we were able to get our second grandson living with us for many years as well.

    My only suggestion is to start a diary (any notebook will do) making notes of the happenings of the day. It does not have to be detailed or take alot of time...just jot down, for example, "2/10/13 today was peaceful as daughter was off with friends" 2/15/13 "today I discovered that my x was missing from the drawer" Simple. Especially note times when whe takes off with gs in order to punish you. Note where she went and with whom...if you know. This will provide information for the Court should you end up seeking custody, protection or whatever.

    by the way, if you know the Serenity Prayer (the one used by AA) try repeating it to yourself as a mean to calm your anxiety. It has really helped me through very high stress years. Sending hugs. DDD
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I think you also need to consult your own attorney about custody and grandparents' rights. Find a SHARK, often divorce attorneys know ALL the loopholes and twists. IF the judge truly is a family friend of the father's family, get it proven and get him off the case, it is unethical for him to rule on this case and he can lose his license to practice law AND his job. It is a HUGE thing for the judge to even know any party in a case, of course it happens, but they are supposed to say so up front, on the record. If you find a shark, they can tell you how best to handle this if it is true.

    Then you need to establish legally that daughter and babydaddy are addicts. Then once you STOP enabling and supporting your daughter's lifestyle, and have been in therapy a while, you can prove you are the best home for the child. Of course you need to follow the lawyer's advice on this.

    Google your state and 'grandparent's rights'. They are quirky and not all states have defined them. If you are in a state that has, and is liberal with them, it could be your ace in the hole and really establish your ties to grandson that no one can break. In my state, as long as the parents are married, the grands have no rights. But if at ANY time since the child was born, the parents were not married, then the grandparents have some legal resources if they are told they cannot see the grandkids. Each state is different so check yours. In my state, you would have some very defined, unbreakable except by abuse, legal rights.
  14. Welcome - and I'm so sorry you need to be here. You are in the right place. There are many parents here that have been through very similar situations to you.

    You are in a lot of pain right now and this is a good place to let it all out and get some wonderful support and advice from some very wise and weathered parents.

    I would agree with MWM in suggesting that you contact the police or CPS to look into getting custody of your grandson. If there are drugs involved, which it certainly sounds like, then you may have a good case to get custody of him and get your daughter out.

    So sorry for what you are going through right now.
  15. Ugh. Sorry, I should have finished reading all the posts first. It sounds like you have definitely done some research.

    I certainly don't blame you for not wanting her to visit your sister. What an awful situation. Maybe, if it is that important to her she can get to a computer and have a skype conversation with her aunt instead.

    Again, so sorry for everything you are going through and have on your plate right now.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Crying, we're seeing your post, don't worry. As for the'll get used to it in short order. Just ask any needed questions and we'll do what we can to help you out. Not everyone is forum savvy.


    I'm so sorry you're going through this living nightmare.

    When theft was an issue in my home I wore jeans, money was always carried in the pocket of my jeans.........always. I don't do bank cards or credit cards........and as you've done checks can be locked up until you need them. The theft in my home was just small typical teen stuff and my own husband but it still burned me up. I slept with it between the on top of it.

    While you've done good not supporting her habits financially, sad to say at some point either you're going to have to evict her from the home or press charges or the behavior is simply going to continue.......which means the stress on you will also continue.

    Grandchildren complicate things so much because they are innocents caught in the middle. However, there comes a point when a parent realizes that even that can't stand in your way. You're not there yet, so I won't push you. It comes about eventually though, regardless. (and I truly do understand your position)

    RE gave excellent advice. Advice that is hard to hear, but excellent none the less.

    I hope you continue to come here for support. We really do understand and we do care.