Stealng & lying (brand new member)

[Weary for Hope]

Hi new friends,
I can't tonight tell you all that my husband and I have been through with our son, who is now 10 years old. (difficult child - why the heck is that the abbreviation?) It's been a rough road since he came into our home at age 3. (he is adopted) Mostly a lot of rage (scary at times) and continual defiance. It's by far the hugest and most discouraging challenge I've ever had in my life.

The latest is stealing and lying. This breaks my heart and makes me so, so angry. I keep finding things that I KNOW aren't his and he gets all exasperated with me each time I confront him. I know he must be stealing. It doesn't seem like he believes he is stealing...it's like he thinks this stuff really belongs to him, but there has been way too many times this has happened (esp lately). How does one handle this? He just denies it and gets mad at me. I feel so helpless. How do you deal with something like this that the person only denies?

Another thing - parenting has been so difficult for me that I feel so distant from him at times. (ok, much of the time) (adoptive mothers can be the target of extreme rage) I was so upset at him this evening (for how he treats me, for his lying, his stealing, his defiance) that honestly, I didn't even want to hear the sound of his voice. I don't want to be around him. This is tough!

It's good to know that others go through similar struggles (though I feel for you!) and some even worse. How do you survive??? Any help for how to deal with the thievery?

-Thank you in advance.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I don't think there are many here who can't relate to your battle-weariness! Parenting a difficult child is probably the toughest parenting task out there.

Most of us has been in a position where we love our difficult child but just plain don't like them from time to time! Two things that have helped me over the years - keeping foremost in my mind that many of the aggravating behaviors my son has displayed were manifestations of the issues he deals with every day - inherently, kids want to be good - they want to be loved and well-liked - sometimes we can expect what our children can't give - perhaps just for that moment. Trying to keep uppermost in my mind that there was some element of "loss of control" within him and that if I were feeling this frustrated and stressed, what must he feel like inside to have all this rage and saddness and aggression and angst and loss of himself every single day? That was one of the things that helped me.

The second was his therapist/therapist. Every time difficult child went to the therapist, I spent the first 10 minutes alone with her, updating on what had been going on. During those brief times with her, I was able to get a better insight into what my son was dealing with. Over the course of the first 6-8 months of therapy, my son and I actually grew closer and, know this might sound kinda weird, but I felt more love for him than ever even though these were the worst of behavior times for him.

I would suggest you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene if you haven't done so yet. We highly recommend it to all our new posters.

Adoptive parents do have additional challenges, especially with issues like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and genetic unknowns. There are many adoptive parents as members here who can relate, sympathize and support. I know they will be along soon.

I am glad you have found your way here. It is a place of great support and care.

Sharon

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I have four adopted kids.

Older adopted kids can have A LOT of issues depending on what happened before he came to you. Was he in an abusive situation? Was he exposed to drugs or alcohol before his birth? Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? Most adopted kids are prone to inherited psychiatric problems and many have been exposed to bad substances and have had very difficult early lives which makes it hard for them to attach.If I were you II would think first about Attachment Disorder...although it rarely stands alone. Can you give us some information on his background? That would help. What were his birthparents like? Any info? What about your home situation. Any other kids? Two parents?

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Weary,
Glad you found our little corner of the world-this really is a soft place to land. Like Sharon said, most of us can relate to not always liking our children (the love is always there but not the like). After your child is raging at you it's difficult to like them-at least for me it is. My difficult child used to steal a lot and lie but for the most part now he tells the truth and doesn't steal. I remember how difficult it was to deal with that so I can understand what that is like. Sending gentle hugs to you tonight.

 

[Weary for Hope]

I want to thank you, Littledudesmom, Midwestmom and Wiped out (love your name ) for your replies to this post. Thank you so much! I will try to answer some of the questions in my latest post.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

Stealing and lying are usually signs that a kid has poor coping skills and consequences or rewards don't teach skills , in any case kids would prefer to do well if they could.
I would frame any situation as an objective problem to be solved taking out of the picture blame or being mad at the kid . We don't need to get the kid to admit things - just objectively and in a neutral tone say we have a problem to fix . The way to go is to focus on connection, general chatting , perpective taking, working through the Collaborative problem solving sites - especially the videos , skills check list

AllanKatz

 

[Marguerite]

I posted on your other link. I think we have got a lot of useful information there. It seems the consensus is - find what is really going on with him, and also along the way see if it opens doors for support for him at school. One point - I found when difficult child 1 was lying so very much (and stealing), it was because advertising around him plus other kids, were telling him that all these toys etc that he craved, were things other people all had, only he did not. And he so desperately wanted what he thought everyone else had, that he stole money from me to go buy these things. He simply could not control his desperation to have what he thought everyone else did. It's a reflection of our consumer society, and he simply did not/could not understand that the advertising world lies all the time.

Marg