Steely
Active Member
So, I thought I would just give everyone an update of me, myself, and matt. Or something like that.
I have been here in AZ for a little more than 3 months, and so far it has truly been a whirlwind. I am not sure how I can even elaborate on that concept to tell you the truth. Work is intense, and stressful. The corporate goons are ready to poke their finger in my eye any chance they get - which I despise. I have always resolved to not work in an environment like that, yet that is where I have ended up. It is internally conflicting, to say the least.
On the flip side my immediate boss is the best person I have ever worked for. She rocks. She is the one person in this job that I go to work for everyday.
I have not gotten much time to really enjoy it here like I thought. I feel like I live at work. What little time I do have is spent trying to discern the flirtations of guys. I feel like I am 19 again. It is maddening. They flirt, then they don't - they ask you out - then they don't. I don't know. It has been so long since I have been in the dating scene I find it all annoying and stressful. Not to mention it ends up hurting my heart. I feel like I miss a little of Dallas where I could be a total recluse and no one would care.
I live in such a small town, people just know each other. My next door neighbor is my age, single, and cute - and we hang out all of the time - but God would only know if he likes me or not, he is so damaged. I am trying to resolve not to care - but it is hard when I take the dogs outside and he is there, every time. I feel super emotionally immature when it comes to dating and it stresses me out. It is more a negative than a positive. Yet who doesn't want intimacy? I have to reach an equilibrium here within myself.
Matthew is doing really well. It has been almost a year since I moved him out because of his suicide attempt and subsequent violent episode towards me. He has been in the same program since Nov and he is excelling. He is ready to move onto the next phase of independent living but I am freaking out a little. Things have been so peaceful, and calm. I have actually stopped twitching when the phone rings. Now he is onto something new and different - and I am PTSDing.
Family/home visits have been super tough for me with him. I am triggered by every single action he does. He is trying super hard - and not doing anything wrong - I am just afraid he will. I feel like I can never again let my guard down - which is probably true.
Living the life we do as a parent of a difficult child is a super hard road to hoe. There are few people that get it, that understand - and I realize that more today than I did yesterday. It makes dating or having friendships more difficult in my opinion - simply because there is a huge corner piece of the puzzle missing from every connection - the one where the other person understands the pain you have gone through with your child.
I am not sure if I have an opinion of where my life is at this point. Growing, for sure, which I guess is always good. I have lost 15lbs without trying, which is exciting - but I guess I am still lacking that inner peace that I came all the way here to get. I am still determined to find it. It is here. I know it. Perhaps I just need the time to find and access it within myself. Perhaps that will come this winter, when my business slows way down.
Hugs to all of you.
Steely
I have been here in AZ for a little more than 3 months, and so far it has truly been a whirlwind. I am not sure how I can even elaborate on that concept to tell you the truth. Work is intense, and stressful. The corporate goons are ready to poke their finger in my eye any chance they get - which I despise. I have always resolved to not work in an environment like that, yet that is where I have ended up. It is internally conflicting, to say the least.
On the flip side my immediate boss is the best person I have ever worked for. She rocks. She is the one person in this job that I go to work for everyday.
I have not gotten much time to really enjoy it here like I thought. I feel like I live at work. What little time I do have is spent trying to discern the flirtations of guys. I feel like I am 19 again. It is maddening. They flirt, then they don't - they ask you out - then they don't. I don't know. It has been so long since I have been in the dating scene I find it all annoying and stressful. Not to mention it ends up hurting my heart. I feel like I miss a little of Dallas where I could be a total recluse and no one would care.
I live in such a small town, people just know each other. My next door neighbor is my age, single, and cute - and we hang out all of the time - but God would only know if he likes me or not, he is so damaged. I am trying to resolve not to care - but it is hard when I take the dogs outside and he is there, every time. I feel super emotionally immature when it comes to dating and it stresses me out. It is more a negative than a positive. Yet who doesn't want intimacy? I have to reach an equilibrium here within myself.
Matthew is doing really well. It has been almost a year since I moved him out because of his suicide attempt and subsequent violent episode towards me. He has been in the same program since Nov and he is excelling. He is ready to move onto the next phase of independent living but I am freaking out a little. Things have been so peaceful, and calm. I have actually stopped twitching when the phone rings. Now he is onto something new and different - and I am PTSDing.
Family/home visits have been super tough for me with him. I am triggered by every single action he does. He is trying super hard - and not doing anything wrong - I am just afraid he will. I feel like I can never again let my guard down - which is probably true.
Living the life we do as a parent of a difficult child is a super hard road to hoe. There are few people that get it, that understand - and I realize that more today than I did yesterday. It makes dating or having friendships more difficult in my opinion - simply because there is a huge corner piece of the puzzle missing from every connection - the one where the other person understands the pain you have gone through with your child.
I am not sure if I have an opinion of where my life is at this point. Growing, for sure, which I guess is always good. I have lost 15lbs without trying, which is exciting - but I guess I am still lacking that inner peace that I came all the way here to get. I am still determined to find it. It is here. I know it. Perhaps I just need the time to find and access it within myself. Perhaps that will come this winter, when my business slows way down.
Hugs to all of you.
Steely
As for Matt.....also wonderful news there. As for the PSTD thing..........uh, well......Nichole has been stable for what 2 yrs now and I still tense up on occasion. I think it's because as Moms we realize the "potential" for them to slide backward it always there. Which of course makes his success all the better. I hope he continues to move forward.
Maybe I will post here every time a guy does something wonky so I know how to respond!
