Steely update

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jul 31, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So, I thought I would just give everyone an update of me, myself, and matt. Or something like that.:tongue:

    I have been here in AZ for a little more than 3 months, and so far it has truly been a whirlwind. I am not sure how I can even elaborate on that concept to tell you the truth. Work is intense, and stressful. The corporate goons are ready to poke their finger in my eye any chance they get - which I despise. I have always resolved to not work in an environment like that, yet that is where I have ended up. It is internally conflicting, to say the least.

    On the flip side my immediate boss is the best person I have ever worked for. She rocks. She is the one person in this job that I go to work for everyday.

    I have not gotten much time to really enjoy it here like I thought. I feel like I live at work. What little time I do have is spent trying to discern the flirtations of guys. I feel like I am 19 again. It is maddening. They flirt, then they don't - they ask you out - then they don't. I don't know. It has been so long since I have been in the dating scene I find it all annoying and stressful. Not to mention it ends up hurting my heart. I feel like I miss a little of Dallas where I could be a total recluse and no one would care.

    I live in such a small town, people just know each other. My next door neighbor is my age, single, and cute - and we hang out all of the time - but God would only know if he likes me or not, he is so damaged. I am trying to resolve not to care - but it is hard when I take the dogs outside and he is there, every time. I feel super emotionally immature when it comes to dating and it stresses me out. It is more a negative than a positive. Yet who doesn't want intimacy? I have to reach an equilibrium here within myself.

    Matthew is doing really well. It has been almost a year since I moved him out because of his suicide attempt and subsequent violent episode towards me. He has been in the same program since Nov and he is excelling. He is ready to move onto the next phase of independent living but I am freaking out a little. Things have been so peaceful, and calm. I have actually stopped twitching when the phone rings. Now he is onto something new and different - and I am PTSDing.

    Family/home visits have been super tough for me with him. I am triggered by every single action he does. He is trying super hard - and not doing anything wrong - I am just afraid he will. I feel like I can never again let my guard down - which is probably true.

    Living the life we do as a parent of a difficult child is a super hard road to hoe. There are few people that get it, that understand - and I realize that more today than I did yesterday. It makes dating or having friendships more difficult in my opinion - simply because there is a huge corner piece of the puzzle missing from every connection - the one where the other person understands the pain you have gone through with your child.

    I am not sure if I have an opinion of where my life is at this point. Growing, for sure, which I guess is always good. I have lost 15lbs without trying, which is exciting - but I guess I am still lacking that inner peace that I came all the way here to get. I am still determined to find it. It is here. I know it. Perhaps I just need the time to find and access it within myself. Perhaps that will come this winter, when my business slows way down.

    Hugs to all of you.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Hi Steely,

    It is great to hear from you. Your post has a calmer feel and even if you haven't found the inner peace yet, it is coming.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear from you. Many hugs.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks for the update- I've been wondering how you are doing. Your life sounds exciting and frightening both! I think you are handling the dating situation just fine- slowly! I'm trying to establish a social life again, too, and what is available (even as platonic friendship) is not too tempting sometimes. I have no desire to hang out with a female who is leaving her husband to work in a strip club, for instance.

    I'm so glad to hear that Matt is doing well. Has he had a visit with you alone- at your house- yet? Will they help him with transitioning to independent living and where will that be?

    I completely understand about your fear of it. I flipped on the PO last week and told him I was scared to death to bring difficult child home under the same circumstances.

    Keep us posted and don't be such a stranger!!
  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I haven't been around much in a long time. I was happy to find your update. I agree with JJJ - I think you're on the way to finding that inner peace...

    Sending lots of hugs your way... SFR
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely your post has a much more positive "attitude" to it than I've heard for a long while. Glad you now have a boss that makes you want to get up and go to work in the mornings. That is sooo awesome. :D As for Matt.....also wonderful news there. As for the PSTD thing..........uh, well......Nichole has been stable for what 2 yrs now and I still tense up on occasion. I think it's because as Moms we realize the "potential" for them to slide backward it always there. Which of course makes his success all the better. I hope he continues to move forward.

    Sounds as if you're also moving forward. Which is such a positive thing. As for dating......ehhh I was never so excited about that sort of thing even back before I ever got married. lol Just never was something I excelled at. I did better just looking for friendship and companionship.......and then if it was "meant" to be.......then it just seemed to progress to that level in it's own time.

    Hope you get some down time to relax and enjoy yourself a bit more. Thanks for updating.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Great to hear from you, I was missing you! You really DO sound calmer and more at peace now!!

    It sounds like a lot is going on. It is great to have an awesome boss even if the overall company is not so great.

    Don't be a stranger! (cause NO ONE is stranger than us!)

    Hugs, Susie
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ditto! You're getting there. It may not be coming as fast as you'd like but you're doing it. I think so far your time has been spent acclimating and getting settled in so it may still take some time. I agree with the others though.....there IS a difference in your posting. SOMETHING seems to be happening for you and it's showing.

    As for dating.....I haven't done that in 16 years. I don't have the first clue! LOL I do seem to remember though that I seemed to have better luck when I wasn't "looking" and just let things come on their own.

    Great to see you again!!! Hugs.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It is a positive post. I'm glad that you are checking in, and that you are keeping things in perspective. All of this seems "right". It's hard, but it's right, too. And one day it won't be hard.
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    Steely how wonderful to hear from you. You are on the road to finding that peace. Just remember it comes in moments and that continnum will forever allude us.

    Congratulations on the weight loss which is an outward manifestation of your growth and a measure of how far you've journied on several levels. I'm proud of you.

    The flirting and taking it back thing is common with immaturity. When you find someone who isn't afraid to put out their feeling out there and stand by them you will have found someone worthy to respond to. Hold back until someone proves that maturity. Guard your heart but don't forget to have fun.

    About Matt. This is so amazing and gives the rest of us hope. Isn't it wonderful to have a place where people truly get it. You don't get that in real life most of the time.

    Thinking of you and just thrilled to hear such an uplifting update.


  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Ohhh....super good point. I am so relationship challenged - I have to read books on dating to keep it all in perspective:sick: Maybe I will post here every time a guy does something wonky so I know how to respond!;)

    You guys are all great. Thanks for being so supportive of my journey. I am trying to keep myself centered and grounded no matter what it takes. I might not be able to see it fully yet, but it encourages me that you guys can.:peaceful:
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    It does sound like you are much more at peace.
    Things will slow down soon. Funny we are in our slow time down here and then we get the Snowbirds in the winter.
    I am glad Matthew is still finding the positive and they are able to find it in him up there.
    Dating...I agree that having fun is the most important right now.
    Friends I am still trying to figure that one out, for K, N and me.
  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Steely, thank you for your update. I have been wondering how you are getting on. And your update sounds really good. You took such an enormous step when you took that job, and it sounds to me as if you are settling down really well. Of course it all takes time, but you surely sound as if you are coping really well.

    Good luck with everything!

    Love, Esther
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Steely, ditto J-cubed.

    You know what I heard in your update? Normal stress that comes from living! That's exciting stuff, girl!

    I hope, tho, that the stress lessens so you can find what you are seeking. I think its closer than you realize, tho.

    As for that whole dating Marg's response to KLMNO's friend thread. Go out and be you, and you'll be amazed at what starts flocking to you!

    Hugs, girl.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So glad to hear from you. Both you and Matt have been in my daily prayers. I'm glad to hear he is doing so well but totally understand the having your guard up. I agree with the other posters that you seem calmer and that you will find that inner peace. Continued prayers.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the update! I have been wondering about you.
    I'm sorry you ended up back in the dog-eat-dog corporate world, but so glad you like your immediate supervisor. Way To Go.
    I'm glad that Matt continues to progress and grow and stabilize. What a relief--and very exciting.
    I'm sorry about the immature creeps at work "sort of" asking you out. I agree, that you don't need to waste your time wondering about them. If they want to be friends and just eat lunch, it can grow into something else, but right now they sound like my difficult child's classmates.
    I hope you have some time for counseling in between everything for your PTSD with-Matt. It's only been a few months, to take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself.
    You'll get there.