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step-MOM feeling stepped on!!
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<blockquote data-quote="AllStressedOut" data-source="post: 67185" data-attributes="member: 3837"><p>I'm also a "stepmom" although we are now headed down the path of adoption of all of my difficult children (gifts from God). Their biomoms rights were terminated in April. She did not appeal (that we can tell) and so now I can move to adopt them. One thing that I think helps on my end as far as stepmom is that my husband always tells my kids how much I do for them. He is constantly reminding them how grateful they should be because I cook dinner, I plan summer playtime, I take them to the movies, I do this and that, and it can be as simple as "Your mom takes you to school or makes sure you have clean clothes" and so on. He did this for a few years before my difficult children finally started saying "thank you" for the little things. Now, when I make breakfast, or cook dinner, it starts with one of the kids and then it goes around the table of "thanks mom for dinner".</p><p></p><p>We also implemented chore day, where each kid had a chore they had to do. With difficult children we quickly discovered they weren't capable of doing chores without very specific instructions. They don't see the trash full or the dust on the tv, things like that. So we typed up step by step instructions and they did their chores. Each month we would switch chores and we would do these chores once a week, our day is Thursday. Now that my youngest difficult child is 7, which is when my middle two sons started doing chores, he has been added to the group. We have kitchen duty, cleaning the playroom, cleaning the bathrooms and mopping the floors. Now we've added cleaning the living room or sorting laundry to the bunch. Whichever needs the most help. I have many friends who have their kids do chores daily, but for difficult children that is just way too much. Since we only do them once a week and everyone has to do a chore at the same time, I don't get much arguing. I actually get more pouting from my PCs (perfect children) *rolling my eyes* then I do from my difficult children typically.</p><p></p><p>I put *rolling my eyes* in so that you're sure to understand that I don't think I have PCs, but thats how we tell the difference on the board. PCs are kids who don't have conduct disorders, difficult children are kids who do.</p><p></p><p>It took my inlaws almost 3 years to realize I wasn't the wicked step mom. That I have rules and structure specifically for my difficult children because they thrive on it. All kids do, but my PCs can handle life either way. My difficult children wouldn't know what to do without schedules and they definately hold true to the "idol hands" theory. So this summer I created a very strict schedule, every 30 minutes each child had something different to do. It was Playstation Time, Reading Time, Parent Time (one on one time with me or daddy if he was home), Computer Time, TV Time, Journal Time, Outside Time and so on. We also had 2 1/2 hours of scheduled family time during the day and 30 minutes at night, so Daddy could take part after work. During the 2 1/2 hours we would go to the park, the $1 movies or just stay at home and play card games or board games, or rent a movie from Blockbuster.</p><p></p><p>The schedule seemed like such a pain to do, but in all honesty, it has saved my sanity this summer. Sure, we had bad days too. But for the most part, the kids were happy getting time alone with me each day, family time was their absolute favorite and they loved that each of them got to spend time doing fun things and they weren't being bothered by their siblings because their siblings were busy doing their own thing.</p><p></p><p>We will continue on this schedule for weekends when school starts and I'll need to create a new one for school days. </p><p></p><p>Structure saved our household. My first year of marriage with 6 kids nearly destroyed our marriage. It was me taking control of everything and making out menus that were posted on the fridge (made grocery shopping a breeze once I created a spreadsheet in excel with isle #s and prices) now I know about how much I'll spend, I can seperate the list into things my husband gets (heavy stuff) and things I get and print 1 sheet for him and 1 for me. We have to shop together, feeding 9 means 2 full grocery carts. I posted the menu and the kids read it every day to see whats for dinner that night. Helps remind us to take something out to thaw too. Then I started with a schedule for video games and computer time to limit how much they play and whos turn it is. Stopped the bickering big time! Then this summer with this most recent schedule where in a household with 6 kids, they get 45 minutes of one on one time with their mom or dad each day, I just can't say enough good things about it. If its something you're interested in, I can send you our schedule and you can modify it to fit your house and your kids.</p><p></p><p>Okay, now that I've typed a book! I hope things start getting better! Make sure you and your husband are eachothers cheerleaders. In a house with steps you have to constantly remind them how wonderful you both really are and how much you do for them on a daily basis especially if its the small stuff. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, taxi and so on. Those are small things to the kids that take a big amount of our time, we should be appreciated for it!</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AllStressedOut, post: 67185, member: 3837"] I'm also a "stepmom" although we are now headed down the path of adoption of all of my difficult children (gifts from God). Their biomoms rights were terminated in April. She did not appeal (that we can tell) and so now I can move to adopt them. One thing that I think helps on my end as far as stepmom is that my husband always tells my kids how much I do for them. He is constantly reminding them how grateful they should be because I cook dinner, I plan summer playtime, I take them to the movies, I do this and that, and it can be as simple as "Your mom takes you to school or makes sure you have clean clothes" and so on. He did this for a few years before my difficult children finally started saying "thank you" for the little things. Now, when I make breakfast, or cook dinner, it starts with one of the kids and then it goes around the table of "thanks mom for dinner". We also implemented chore day, where each kid had a chore they had to do. With difficult children we quickly discovered they weren't capable of doing chores without very specific instructions. They don't see the trash full or the dust on the tv, things like that. So we typed up step by step instructions and they did their chores. Each month we would switch chores and we would do these chores once a week, our day is Thursday. Now that my youngest difficult child is 7, which is when my middle two sons started doing chores, he has been added to the group. We have kitchen duty, cleaning the playroom, cleaning the bathrooms and mopping the floors. Now we've added cleaning the living room or sorting laundry to the bunch. Whichever needs the most help. I have many friends who have their kids do chores daily, but for difficult children that is just way too much. Since we only do them once a week and everyone has to do a chore at the same time, I don't get much arguing. I actually get more pouting from my PCs (perfect children) *rolling my eyes* then I do from my difficult children typically. I put *rolling my eyes* in so that you're sure to understand that I don't think I have PCs, but thats how we tell the difference on the board. PCs are kids who don't have conduct disorders, difficult children are kids who do. It took my inlaws almost 3 years to realize I wasn't the wicked step mom. That I have rules and structure specifically for my difficult children because they thrive on it. All kids do, but my PCs can handle life either way. My difficult children wouldn't know what to do without schedules and they definately hold true to the "idol hands" theory. So this summer I created a very strict schedule, every 30 minutes each child had something different to do. It was Playstation Time, Reading Time, Parent Time (one on one time with me or daddy if he was home), Computer Time, TV Time, Journal Time, Outside Time and so on. We also had 2 1/2 hours of scheduled family time during the day and 30 minutes at night, so Daddy could take part after work. During the 2 1/2 hours we would go to the park, the $1 movies or just stay at home and play card games or board games, or rent a movie from Blockbuster. The schedule seemed like such a pain to do, but in all honesty, it has saved my sanity this summer. Sure, we had bad days too. But for the most part, the kids were happy getting time alone with me each day, family time was their absolute favorite and they loved that each of them got to spend time doing fun things and they weren't being bothered by their siblings because their siblings were busy doing their own thing. We will continue on this schedule for weekends when school starts and I'll need to create a new one for school days. Structure saved our household. My first year of marriage with 6 kids nearly destroyed our marriage. It was me taking control of everything and making out menus that were posted on the fridge (made grocery shopping a breeze once I created a spreadsheet in excel with isle #s and prices) now I know about how much I'll spend, I can seperate the list into things my husband gets (heavy stuff) and things I get and print 1 sheet for him and 1 for me. We have to shop together, feeding 9 means 2 full grocery carts. I posted the menu and the kids read it every day to see whats for dinner that night. Helps remind us to take something out to thaw too. Then I started with a schedule for video games and computer time to limit how much they play and whos turn it is. Stopped the bickering big time! Then this summer with this most recent schedule where in a household with 6 kids, they get 45 minutes of one on one time with their mom or dad each day, I just can't say enough good things about it. If its something you're interested in, I can send you our schedule and you can modify it to fit your house and your kids. Okay, now that I've typed a book! I hope things start getting better! Make sure you and your husband are eachothers cheerleaders. In a house with steps you have to constantly remind them how wonderful you both really are and how much you do for them on a daily basis especially if its the small stuff. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, taxi and so on. Those are small things to the kids that take a big amount of our time, we should be appreciated for it! Welcome to the board! [/QUOTE]
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