Step

[tiredmommy]

Witz, with all due respect, this thread is here because it pertains to the difficult children's mother and not the difficult children. Therefore, it's not technically difficult child-related. Many members have posted about inlaws and blended families in the watercooler in the past and I won't be moving this thread.

I respect that this topic is very sensitive to you and agree that referring to the children's mother with derogatory terms should be avoided. I hope you will be able to take what you can use from the watercoler and leave the rest. I also hope you will be feeling better soon.

 

[everywoman]

I have to agree with Witz. This belongs in General. I also do not like the referring the bio-mom in a derogatory manner. She may be vile. She may be horrible. But in the end she is their mother...maybe not the one they would have chosen, but still their mother.

 

[AnnieO]

I tried to post earlier, but since I was on mobile web it kept telling me my message had to be more than 2 characters. Oh well.

Witz, I do very much appreciate your point of view, and have taken some of your suggestions and passed them on to husband. I know that this is a sensitive subject for you. Me too. Which is why I'm here.

I'm suggesting, for the sake of all involved, that this be the last post on this thread and that it be allowed to die a natural death. We're all going to have different opinions on where the subject belongs. Neither General nor the Watercooler, really.

However I do want to make it clear that "BM" is simply short for Bio Mom. Also Onyxx loves Batman, so I'm not sure if "batcave" is really derogatory or not. I've got other names for the woman in question, but I don't post them here nor say them to the kids. They have their own terms for her as well. I can't help what she's done to them, nor can I let it go, as they are damaged. I'm hoping I can help all the other loving people in their lives along their healing process.

I cannot in all conscience refer to her boyfriend as much that could be nice given what he's done. I'm sorry for that. I try not to talk about him as much as possible. He's out of Onyxx's life, and for the most part Jett's as well.

Again - I appreciate everyone's input. I'll attempt to put this stuff where it belongs, but it's not always going to work.

 

[susiestar]

This whole exchange saddens me. It is NOT a general topic. It is NOT about what Onyxx or Jett has done. It is what their BM has done to Step, her husband and the entire family. As such, I think it belongs here on watercooler.

I agree that using derogatory terms for relatives is not OK. But, given past explanations that the kids think batcave is not derogatory, and given that MANY here refer to birth moms as bm or BM and NO ONE has told them not to, well, that is just unfair. It reminds me of when I used to call Wiz "monster'. It was NOT because I thought he was a monster. It was because he had this mercer Mayer book that was Little Monster's Word Book. Heck, at 17 he still HAS the book on his bookshelf. It was NOT a derogatory term, and while Step despises what BM has done and continues to do to her children, she does not use words that will hurt them.

Many here have posted about what their children's step parents do that they despise. Shari posts about her ex's new girlfriend and how crazy she is. The girlfriend has not done nearly what Step's children's birthmother has done to hurt them.

No one has complained about Shari's use of one broom, two brooms, etcc, or even Crazy girlfriend, which is the latest term she used.

I think maybe some need to step back and ignore what upsets them, rather than trying to bully Step simply because she is a stepmom and not the birthmom. We should SUPPORT Step because she took on this man and his children and has truly taken the kids to her heart. She truly loves those kids and is willing to do whatever she can to help keep them safe and healthy. She isn't asking for the birthmother to disappear. She just wants the birthmother to quit hurting and threatening to hurt the children.

Maybe she is more zealous than some want to see, maybe you think she is stepping on toes. Frankly, I am impressed at the lengths she has gone to in order to find LEGAL ways to protect the kids. In a situation that is clearly dangerous she puts herself out there to block harm to these kids.

In the same situation, with a father and girlfriend doing what the birth mother and boyfriend are doing, many here would counsel Step to do whatever she needed to.

I HATE the idea that Step cannot come here for support. This is not the safe place I thought it was, not if we greet a step mom with this degree of anger. If she stepped on toes, I know she is sorry. Some of your reactions have confused her.

I hope she knows she can PM me for support, and I intend to give her my email since she clearly cannot vent here, much less find ideas to help.

 

[Lothlorien]

Susie, thanks for your input.

 

[nvts]

Whoa Gals! I need to put my 2 cent in here!

Step: I love the way you work for the kids in this situation! You've been a real go to it gal for these kids and the fact that they want to call you mom speaks volume. Steps are what we take, not who you are. HOWEVER! I don't think anyone was targeting you for being a step mom, I think things just got a little heated - hey, that's what friends do, right? Good grief, we're women - we disagree and then it's over and done with. Don't feel that you can't post here or in general or anywhere else.

Witz: I'm so sorry that this has stirred up so many deep seated feelings in you. PTSD is such a nasty thing: it just keeps creeping up on you no matter what - anything can be a trigger.

Here's a suggestion: let's have the discussions in the Watercooler BUT when it looks like it's something that might be upsetting to Witz (or anyone else) Step can put that little triangly exclamation point "post icons" (show them the box below, Vanna!) thingy.

What I'm trying to say is that we're all friends here, but I worry that there are going to be too many hard feelings over something that can easily be rectified.

I truly feel that Step and Witz can work this whole thing out, and I don't think that Witz was anything but concerned for Step's feelings, she's just uncomfortable with the subject.

Well, that's my suggestion - I hope I'm not offending anyone and nobody takes offense (I've been getting into it with H - no "D" for him right now- for the last few weeks and can't stand the idea of conflict here too!

Later taters!

Beth