I still feel completely disconnected from the actual reality that H is dead. It is really bothering me. I mean it is good that I am not crying all of the time, or doubled over in grief - but I feel so callous and disembodied about the whole thing. As if I never really had a sister. I have only cried once since I got home from Oregon, and it is all kinda scaring me. Today I was wondering if one of the reasons that I feel this way is that I do not have one keepsake of H's life. I have some pictures - but that is it. H's girlfriend (M) is keeping everything per H's request. H. told her friends that in the event she died she wanted M to have everything. As H's family we want to honor what she wanted - however - in my opinion this feels extreme. M. has everything that H ever possessed, toiled over, put her heart and soul into - and they had only been dating a year. M was a blip on H's radar screen in life. So now I sit, 2000 miles away completely hollowed out and void of emotion about this - and I just wonder if maybe I had some of H's things, it would make her feel more real. Like this whole thing existed. Like H existed, and that she was an integral part of my life. What do you guys think? I had so little closure with this. I did not get to see H's body. I did not get to be in her house except twice, I did not get to hug her good bye. The last time I saw her was a year ago when my dad was diagnosis with cancer and we spent 2 weeks side by side in his hospital room. That was the last time - and it ended, that last day with us getting into a fight. Well, at least I am feeling something after writing this post. I just know that I can shove every feeling tight inside, and never feel things for years, until later when it all comes back to bite me. I want me to be healthy - but maybe more than that I want to honor H's memory by being real with her loss. Not by ignoring her, and going on without her deep within my heart. I just need this to feel real. It is almost worse than losing her, to feel so emotionless about her death.