Still the fool, got sucked in and spat out!

[Lioness]

Here I go again. I am a sucker. For a couple of weeks things have been better with Adult daughter with borderling Personality disorder. By the way, not an official diagnosis but after reading forums and replies from the wise MidWestMom etc all indicates to this. I tried to detach myself and she was texting, phoning me every morning around 7am with silly queries about my grand daughter. Then I had my beloved grand daughter overnight, so Borderline (BPD) daughter could relax. It was lovely. On my birthday I got a box of chocolates and no card. Baring in mind I love getting cards and she knows it. I save all the cards my loved ones have given me over the years. She said she wanted to take me out for Mothers day and my birthday, I am still waiting. Then it was my youngest daughter's birthday and she got two cards one from Borderline (BPD) and she wrote a lovely one from my granddaughter who is 20 months old. She also got her a beautiful, expensive gift. Made a fuss of her little sister who is 22 years of age. I know it sounds ridiculous and petty but it hurts me. I pretend I m ok but I lay in bed at night wracking my brain as to how I can change things. Youngest daughter is usually at University, but is at home for a month due to ill health. I haven't heard from Borderline (BPD) for 6 days now, but she almost daily phones, texts sends videos and photos of my grand daughter to her sister. Breaks my heart, I texted her today and asked for the lovely video she sent her sister, she said she would send it. Its now ten and a half hours ago, still haven't received it. We are having our grand daughter to stay this Friday again overnight. So am very happy about this. The thing that upsets me, is my Borderline (BPD) daughter hardly speaks directly to me, we don't have a real conversation. She doesn't ask me if I m ok, and I have been unwell for nearly 3 weeks now. I feel like my nose is pressed up against a window, everyone is at the party and I m not invited. I wait for crumbs I am a pathetic excuse of a human being. This week she has made time for her step sister, her Dad (my ex) but not me. Just wanted to vent, as I think my husband is bored of this situation. He thinks that its ok, and that she is just grown up. But I know the game she is playing, he has no perception of the situation at all. I know I need to detach again, but why does it still hurt so much? when will it be okay?

 

[Tanya M]

Billy, I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. Yes, you do need to work on detaching from her. The energy you put into trying to figure out why she does what she does is energy you should be putting into letting her go. Accept the fact that you may never have the relationship you want with her. I mean really accept that. It is with accepting that we have no control over what others do that we are able to take back control of our own lives.

I understand that feeling of wanting to run away but that will not resolve anything.

I couldn't tell you the last time my son wished me a happy birthday or mother's day, it's been many, many years. One year for my birthday when he was 14 or 15 I had the pleasure of watching the police come to my house to put an ankle monitor on him. Oh the memories!!
The sooner you quit expecting a card or anything special from her the better off you will be.
I have always liked this life equation: EXPECTATION MINUS REALITY EQUALS DISSAPOINTMENT

If it were me, I would focus on having the best relationship you can with your granddaughter. Really be there for her and build a strong bond with her. Cherish the time you have with her.

((HUGS)) to you.........................

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Billy. I agree with Tanya, the expectations you have with your daughter are likely not going to get met, so you have to change those to match reality. With our troubled kids, the way we stay sane and begin to form our OWN lives, is to let go of how we believed it SHOULD have been or SHOULD be and accept what actually is. It is not easy to do, but it does offer a sense of peace and serenity where craziness, disappointment, anger and sorrow used to live.

You might benefit from reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It is helpful. You are among a group of warrior parents who have to face a reality many other parents do not, because of mental illness, substance abuse, conduct disorders or other anomalies our kids possess, we have to learn a very different way of parenting. It is a hard path. It takes us to the edge. However, with support, time, and a commitment to get your own life back, you can make it to the other side.

I would strongly suggest you find some form of continuing support, 12 step groups, therapy, parent groups, NAMI, ( you can access them online and they have excellent courses for parents) places where you can go to feel safe, get guidance, listen to others speak, feel supported and learn how to detach. Detachment for us is the way to traverse this territory and find our way to a real sense of peacefulness.

It hurts. There is no getting around that. BUT, it will hurt a lot less if you begin to take the focus off of your daughter and place it on YOU. Once you do that, little by little the pain subsides as you learn ways of taking care of yourself and recognizing the truth that you cannot change another, all you can do is change your responses. Changing your responses will shift the dynamic you have with your daughter. Usually to take these steps we require guidance and support. It is a process and it takes time.

Keep venting and posting. You are not alone anymore. We're here too. We get it. We've been there. We're glad you're here. Each one of us has been in the place you are now and many of us are no longer there....we learned how to move through it, continue loving our kids, but not allowing their lives and their choices to hold us hostage in pain.........sending hugs and warm wishes for your hurting heart........hang in there, it will get better..........

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I know it sounds ridiculous and petty but it hurts me. I pretend I m ok but I lay in bed at night wracking my brain as to how I can change things.

Ouch, Billie. This is going to sound heartless, but the only way to change things is to change your actions and responses. You cannot be in your child's head. You cannot see what she sees, she cannot feel what you feel.

Is there a better way to love all that you do have?

For the night time worry Billie, the Serenity Prayer will help. It helps me, anyway. I was told by one of the moms here to read it or to repeat it 'til I got it. I did. Something about the healing rhythms of that prayer helped me then and it helps me, now. I will post it for you here, though I am thinking you know it, already.

Know that I am posting hoping you will take comfort and feel supported, as I did when it was posted for me. I hope it helps you to feel cherished, and to rest.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I feel like my nose is pressed up against a window, everyone is at the party and I m not invited. I wait for crumbs I am a pathetic excuse of a human being.

I'm sorry again Billie, but I think one of the most valuable things I have learned here on the site is: "It is what it is." When we finally allow ourselves to see what is happening between ourselves and our people, we can choose to continue with things as they are ~ including resenting that things are not the way we want them and making sacrifices and feeling badly for ourselves and feeling less than ~ or we can change our responses.

It is what it is.

I have to work really hard to accept things as they are, but that is okay. It is worth the battle.

There are no other choices, I don't think.

You have been courageous in identifying how you feel, Billie.

None of this is easy.

I know I need to detach again, but why does it still hurt so much? when will it be okay?

I think it will never be okay.

I don't think we get to choose detachment parenting, Billie. I think we are forced to acknowledge that detachment parenting is the only way to survive what is happening with our children. (In my case, that would be detachment family of origin relationships, too.)

If it walks like a duck....

For me, I began the process of reclaiming myself through the intention of being kinder to myself. That is all. Just that little thing.

So far, so good.

Here is a question: When you feel badly about the way things are...whose voice is it you hear?

My resolution this year was to identify when I was listening to KFCD, hatred radio station in my head courtesy of rotten negative messages blaring away under the radar.

That KFCD thing is from Anne Lamott.

Pretty cool, huh?

:O)

Cedar

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Billy63 --- So sorry to hear of your recently feeling "sucker-punched". Your post really caught me because that's the exact phrase I used to use for how I felt. Yep. I felt sucker-punched.

The interesting thing is that I haven't used that phrase in many years now.........like, maybe 10 years? Somewhere along the way, I had to let go. Just had to. It is simply not possible for ONE person to live TWO lives. I can only life MY life (and I choose to!) and my son can only life HIS life (whether or not he chooses to is up to him).

Your caring heart is strong and good! It's just not possible for YOUR heart to lead HIS life. If it were, we'd all do it and bottle it and sell it. Just like you, we tried (and tried and tried and tried). Sometimes we still "try" (however, we remind ourselves much more quickly that it's not possible for US to change HIM. HE has to change HIM. (pardon the CAPS!)

10 years later, I find a great deal more compassion and acceptance. Not perfect (not even close!), but more peace and acceptance.

There is life on the other side of "letting go". It's clearer, stronger, less crazy, more empowered and, in many many ways......more compassionate (toward ourselves and toward them). For some reason, I didn't think "letting go" would increase compassion. But it surely did.

Boundaries don't limit love, they only limit pain (for us AND for them).

We're with you, we support you on your journey, Billy63, and we wrap a virtual embrace around you now.

Bottom line? You don't deserve to be "sucker-punched" (by your son, yourself, or anyone else!)

 

[HeadlightsMom]

PS for Billy63 --- Oh, I'm sorry! I just looked at your post and thought I'd read "sucker-punched"! When, in fact, you only said, "sucker". Sorry! Misread that (and clearly read my own past words into it).

But my sentiment remains the same. You deserve health and happiness and we support you.

You asked, "When will it be ok" at the end..... Depends on your definition of "ok".

-- "Ok" in that he changes? Maybe some day, maybe never.
-- "Ok" in that you hurt less and find more peace around it? For us, that's been 2 steps forward, 1 step back. But the good news is that the trajectory is upward -- more peace and clarity with time, detachment and acceptance.

So, the good news is that although the journey is rocky and, at times, perilous...........there is a reachable oasis of a destination ahead. Keep walking. We're all walking there together!

 

[Lioness]

HeaflightsMom, Scent of Cedar, Recoveringenabler. TanyaM, Midwestmom and please if I have forgotten anyone I am sorry. Thanks for walking with me together on this horrible journey. I am so weary tonight my head is spinning with your posts and my thoughts. Tonight when I can't sleep again I will re read them. I have decided to start yoga again and separate meditation class to block things out. Hugs and thanks to you all x

 

[BusynMember]

Billy63, when you can't stand being alone, post. Somebody is usually awake. Many of us have trouble sleeping. I tend to get up in the middle of the night and I love the board and check it...I'm not alone. We are here 365 days a year, holidays included. You don't have to hold back here either. I doubt we can be shocked. We will do all we can to soothe and help.

 

[Tanya M]

Billy, it is such a blessing for me to be able to share on this forum. We are all so different yet we share the same kind of pain.
So happy to be a part of this and to be there for such special people as you.
From all of us!!!