Stronger or numb?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Oct 2, 2010.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think my rhino skin is finally growing stronger-that or I'm just numb to difficult child and easy child/difficult child garbage. Probably, it's a bit of both.

    difficult child has been so full of verbal garbage it's unbelievable. As soon as he doesn't get his way about something the garbage starts coming out of his mouth. If he asks me if I remember something (for example he was asking about a gym bag he used to have a couple of years ago and I didn't remember it) then I'm stupid, a jerk, and have mental issues (along with other swear words).

    When I told him today that he couldn't come with to the health club because of how he was behaving (he had warnings) he suddenly puts on a sweet voice and apologizes. I tell him thanks but he still can't go because of how rude he was acting. Then he loses it and starts screaming in my face (literally about 2 inches from my face) and asking me if I really want to see him be rude. He even started cracking his knuckles and forming a fist and I told him if he hit me I would be calling the police. He stated he would call the police and tell them I was a B****. I basically just rolled my eyes. He then goes upstairs crying to husband who had been trying to sleep that I won't let him come to the club and he is too scared to stay home with easy child/difficult child. By this time I no longer feel like working out and ground him from watching television with us for the rest of the day.

    In the past all of his verbal abuse would really hurt. Somehow, right now anyways, I'm beyond the hurting-guess it's natural defense after all of these years.

    Last Tuesday we received a note from his Special Education teacher letting us know he had a glass bottle in his hand during art and tried to hit another student with it 3 times. He ended up with a detention for the next hour. I haven't even replied to the email. That is totally not like me. I think what he did was horrible yet I'm at a loss for responding. Different feelings are running through my mind. One is I feel like she was just informing me and didn't necessarily require a response. Two, I honestly don't know what to say anymore. How do I respond to that?

    I did get an email from someone on his behavioral support team yesterday who was, of course, informed about the event and wanted to know if we had seen any escalation at home. I haven't even responded to that. Again,totally unlike me. Just don't have the energy.

    Oh and, in addition, all of difficult child's extra services (like Respite and his life coach) are not officially over has his time in the county program is over. He is still receiving therapy 2x a week and sees his psychiatrist once a month. Of course, this is October and we usually start to see a huge ramp up in behaviors.

    Again, what is interesting to me is I seem to be rather apathetic to all of it. So that's my update on life with difficult child. I had planned on adding in the easy child/difficult child garbage going on but since this is way longer than I wanted I'll save it for another post.
  2. Bluemoon

    Bluemoon Guest

    Desensitized maybe? But really, what could you do anyway that you didn't do?

    To my limited experience, if they know they have inflicted an emotional wound in you, then it adds fuel to their fire. It's ammo. If he can't hurt you with his words then there becomes less "gain" in saying them.

    He does sound like my difficult child. Whatever warning I give him, he has to throw it right back at me, but just a little bit worse.

    I'm not proud of this, but one time he pushed me to the point when I was laying out consequences to where I told him he was lucky I didn't kill him for something he had done. He told me, "You can't kill me! If you kill me you will go to jail!" I said, "Son, you are absolutely right, I would go to jail....but you would still be just as dead!"

    Of course, then I explained that I would never kill him and that I loved him and wouldn't want to live myself without him in my world...but the look on his face as he had thought about what I had said, and when he really got it was pretty priceless.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sounds detached and a little depressed. Not unusual for us warrior moms. I know about not responding to another complaint or observation of behavior. What more is there to say?
    I got to the point that if I had to call the police, I would. Natural consequences. Earlier on I would have been mortified to even think that direction but you get to where there is nothing left to feel bad about and to just survive day to day. If it meant police, psychiatric hospital, anything so that he was dealt with. Nothing I was doing was working. I don't say I threw in the towel because when there was some change in behavior I was just ecstatic for his success. For the most part I resigned myself to having not had success in helping difficult child and I became pretty disinterested.
    I'm still only partially invested. If it works great, if not, I think "oh well, we tried".
    Hope difficult child settles down soon. I'm surprised that easy child/difficult child is still being such an oppositional teen.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, over the years my spirit had become so demoralized that I no longer reply to many of the "anxious to inform mum of this or that mishap" calls. Especially with wm ~ what can I do from this end of town? What more can I put in place that hasn't been done? Many times I reply with "thanks for the information", because there is nothing more that can be said. Nothing more that I can do with-o removal from the community to a hospital or treatment setting.

    In many ways, this has been a far healthier place for me to be (it took a brain injury for me to get here). I'm finally attending to me first. Like Fran, I call 911 with little thought anymore. It's just another day.

    Let yourself back off - you & husband have worked your tails off advocating & getting every intervention you can conceive for your difficult child. It's, in many ways, in his hands now.
  5. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Yep, I think it is detachment, being numb, and just being plain tired of the whole thing. AND, I do think you get stronger? What doesn't kill us is making us stronger? Maybe.

    I still just shake my head about what difficult child does, and a lot of times it still makes me want to scream.

    I wouldn't, never had, and never will put up with violence, though.

  6. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    I vote for numb, stronger and detached. :sick: I'm getting there too. It sure beats that soul worn thin, road weary helplessness!

    Just a suggestion...don't skip your workout or at least don't let difficult child think he gets to you. My difficult child loves to ruin other peoples fun when he is in a funk and then it turns into a manipulation/control issue. So, even if I have an awful time and just drive in the car crying I never let him know he can rain on my parade. At least with my difficult child it would be a weakness he would use against me. Then he just does it more often and it becomes a game for him.

    Edited to add: This post officially bumped me from apprentice to enthusiest status. How tragic and ironic, I almost had to laugh...*sigh*
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I think desensitized is a good word. I'm not sure you are quite detached yet. I also think you are coping right now. You realize the respite services are over and you are facing what looks like no relief. Totally understood. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself! (and husband too!)

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Not sure if desensitized, or numb, or something else is the right word, but I recognize the feeling. I just worry about the threats of violence. It isn't likely that telling him you will call the police will work for much longer, but at least it won't be traumatic for you to have to call them. What he will do is traumatic, and in my opinion the way he makes a fist alone is abuse (if an adult did it they could be arrested for assault or threatening assault, at least here). I am glad his threats are not making you give in, but I am afraid that he is going to escalate soon, esp as he has to be able to see that you are not reacting to the verbal garbage.

    It is something that I went through with Wiz. I hope if he escalates it will make him eligible for more respite/services, and that at some point something will work to make him see how wrong his behavior is.

    Make sure you have your cell phone on your person at all times. Please.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bluemoon-I agree about them seeing they can inflict wound adds fuel. Unfortunately, in the past he has been able to do this.

    Fran-A little depressed is definitely a part of it. Your quote, "Earlier on I would have been mortified to even think that direction but you get to where there is nothing left to feel bad about and to just survive day to day" really speaks to how I feel these days. Oh and about easy child/difficult child-yep still super oppositional.

    Linda-I think I'll need to use the, "thanks for the information". I do feel at times like difficult child just has stolen my spirit. I don't feel that way all of the times but there are definitely days.

    Tawnya-Maybe since it isn't killing me it's making me stronger. Thank you for the hugs.

    FW-I agree it isn't a good idea to change my plans. I did end up going for a 3 mile walk but ended up skipping the club-just didn't have the energy to go anymore.

    Sharon-Desensitized might be it. We are trying to take care of us right now mainly with exercising and getting away to a movie or dinner when we can.

    Susie-The threats of violence are scary. I think right now he is fairly stabilized but his actions of the past definitely show the violence is a possibility. I think now I'm at the point where I can call the police if needed.

    Thanks all of you for your support!
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hey you! :)

    i'm sorry i should of taken the time to read this earlier. my answer is your only human. bottom line. we get to a point where it begins to role off. i went thru that with-easy child perfect chid my butt! last year. she ran away multiple times, got diagnosis'd with odd, you name it she did it. and i got to that point also.

    bottom line is it's self protection mode to me when i go there, yup creepy a bit yet as long as your in the here and now and you def. are you are all good and just have detactched from sinking into the emotional roller coaster to save yourself. and honestly that to me is damn healthy! we base our days, hours, feelings, emotions off these kids of ours. if they do x we feel y. there has to be a point when the emotion leaves and yea it also def. de fuels their fire when they see they aren't getting the emotional response they want.

    (((hugs))) you are truly a warrior mom
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I vote for stronger, then numb. Our reality is so different than many others. There was one time I was on the phone with a friend, and difficult child started yelling and screaming and blaming. I just calmly said room. He kept going, I told him to go to his room. He kept going, and I said go to your room or lose the computer and ds. He left and slammed the door and went to his room.

    She said wow, I have a lot to learn from you. I said that was nothing. She could not even imagine a child acting that way, and to me it is the way he is, not acceptable but I am not shocked by it.

    Hang in there. Try to take care of yourself.

    Oh, and my favorite response to the school when they would call because difficult child had been a difficult child? They would call and ask me how I was, and I finally started saying fine untill you called. Duhhhh, how do you think I am?