struggling mom

[Childofmine]

Welcome struggling mom,

You are getting a lot of support from the wonderful people on this forum and I hope you will Reread these posts again and again.

One additional thing to offer: I so empathize with the confusion that comes with a mental illness diagnosis. Both my exhusband---now a recovering alcoholic and my son---who appears to be abstaining from drug use---have depression and/or anxiety. Both have been treated for such. I remember asking my therapist this question: if he is mentally ill how can he be responsible for what he does? Don't I need to make allowances for that?

She said an unequivocal no. She said people are always responsible for their actions and behavior unless they are completely psychotic and don't know night from day.

That was huge for me. I will never forget that moment as a pivotal one for me.

It was the beginning of my work to stop infantilizing both my husband and my son. I had evolved into a parent/child relationship with my husband...a kiss of death for a marriage. Over time I have learned to let go of my son and to respect him and his choices as a grown man. That shift in us is essential in creating a chance for them to change.

A grown man must be allowed to live his own life or he will never have a chance to make a better life.

We must get out of the way.

We can't change or fix them but we can do this and in doing so, we gift them with this Chance. It is hard to do because it isn't easy and they don't like it at all. We have to do it anyway and here is where the work on ourselves begins.

Keep posting. We get it and we care.

 

[Copabanana]

When I adopted my son he went immediately to language therapy, a behavioral nursery school, psychotherapy and a neuropsychologist evaluation at a major Children's Hospital. My son got his first IEP in his kindergarten year.

I was not in denial about the fact there were developmental issues....I knew for example he had problems with sequencing and planning....But language delays he conquered immediately....for example....and he was responsive to psychotherapy.

Was it wrong to have the hope that he would develop despite early limits? Was it wrong for me to expose him to new and potentially interesting things? The question is this: who knows from these early years and assessments...how life will play out?

And my needs were in the picture, for me, as well. I needed to live in a way that sustained me, as well as my son.

He has always struggled with anxiety...and lately body image issues...and depression. Is he mentally ill? I...do not get a vote.

What I am trying to say is pretty much the same as SWOT. Parental expectations and situations may mesh well for the child...or not. The important thing for me is recognizing WHEN I am imposing on my child views and wants that make his situation harder and get in the way of his figuring things out.

I can certainly live without his going to college. Harder is that he DO NOTHING IN THIS LIFE that gives him pleasure, self esteem, meaning, focus, a social group in which he feels he fits.

But I see him finding his way. Do I love it that he lives in a house full of drug users and recovering drug users? No. Do I like it that he is off the street? Yes. Do I get a vote? No.

Pushing him towards college is a mistake, at this point. I know that. I did so, in part, because his interests and talents---seem to be academic. Besides being multilingual he read philosophy, studied culture, religion and linguistics....goes to the library to read physics books. But I see now that I was very wrong to push him.

He may NEVER have the necessary organizational skills and motivation to go back to college, and he may already know it.

I CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be part of the decision making process in his life, except in a very limited way: By listening and reflecting back his process as he evaluates his choices. His growth will come from bulking up his planning and decision-making muscles...which could well be compromised due to his birth legacy. Impaired or not, he CAN and must learn to live responsibly and with responsibility. What alternative is there?

But I well-know that my support NOW is made more difficult because of my past errors. He never doubts my love. He is sometimes suspicious of my motives.

I was reading about the singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, now 80, who has been in his life a notorious ladies man. He talks about his current attitude about love...that allows mistakes...and does not see a mistake as the last thing....in a relationship or even...a life.

That is where I want to be about my son...and myself....An idea of love that allows for our humanity, not perfection....

 

[BusynMember]

It's a good thing to expose all kids to all that you can.

You just need to have no specific expectations t hat are unrealistic of kids who have "iffy" pre-birth experiences. Just day-to-day is the best, I learned. You just don't know what the drugs have done to his development and potential. It is best to get all the interventions you can as early as possible (which was good on you) and watch carefully to see if he is going to be able to take care of himself as an adult and be sure to get supports in place if he won't. I've been pleasantly surprised at how LITTLE my son USES his supports, but he still lacks common sense and social skills in some areas and needs help.

Your son can get apply for disability if he needs it. Then they will test him to see if he qualified for adult services by sending him for a neuropsychologist evaluation and perhaps a job trial (my son worked for two weeks and they evaluated his ability). The drugs your son's birthmother fed your son could have impeded certain parts of the brain...often they are the part make decisions hard or good decisions impossible and can also affect impulsivity and even mood stabiility...and this is a new field, babies born drugfed who are now adults.They are unlikely, however, to come out of a birthmom's drug and alcohol use completely unscathed. But there IS help for adults who have developmental or cognitive issues...or mental illness. He would have to be tested by Disability. They would tell him who to see.

Even with Disabilities, however, rules apply, and they will be thrown out of housing and certain programs for using drugs. But...perhaps they will help him get off the substances...maybe they have good programs he hasn't tried yet.

He may resent you less if you don't expect him to be able to do what most people are capable of doing. Some people actually can not. If they are not in a wheelchair, we have the expectation that they CAN, even if they have brain damage. And, in that particular case, I don't think we should be abandoning our adult kids to fend for themselves without directing them to support places that can help them Now if they refuse the help, that is on them.

Hugs for your aching mom heart.

 

[struggling mom]

I am having trouble with this site today. This last posting here is letting me write more than 140 characters. Tried a new thread and that's all it would let me post. You all have given me such encouragement. Today is his birthday and I keep crying. My son has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, anti-personality disorder and lastly -" wow he is a complicated case". and he is. He has never stuck with counseling long enough to really get a good picture of what is going on. he is going to college and doing exceptionally, still doing drugs and homeless. I know tomorrow will be a little better for me, but today I HURT. My counselor isn't in today and my friends can't really understand although they do try. Thanks for giving me an ear to express my pain!

 

[struggling mom]

Thanks again, childofmine. Mine does absolutely have psychotic episodes, still, that can't change my responsibility or what I can do for him. Easier said than done though. it just makes it harder for him to get treatment. You said something major, I've heard before but just hit me hard and that is that I can fix myself. Partially through counsel, ventiliating here and by living my own life to the fullest. I need to try to spend some quality time with my animals, and go for a good run and take care of myself. Thank you

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Just wanted you to know I am reading along too, struggling mom. If you pm one of the moderators, they may be able to help with the number of characters you are able to post.

I am so glad you found us. This site helps me find clarity, too. It's really scary to try to know how to help ourselves or our kids.

In addition to the tools you have been given by those posting in before me, I will add this one.

Child of Mine has given us the concept of "tool box". In this imaginary tool box, we keep the things that help us when we are in that overwhelmed place. Maybe there are quotes that we found helpful in there, or maybe, the story of another parent or child we found strengthening. Or maybe, just knowing this site exists can be a tool box item.

Another helpful tool for me is Recovering Enabler's concept of FOG. FOG is that place we get to when everything seems hopeless and our brains begin circling, worrying, catastrophizing. If we can name that place, if we can recognize where we are, we can gain just a moment's peace through understanding we have been here before and came through it. We can trust that our brains will begin working properly again in just a little while longer.

That helps me. To be able to know that, I mean.

Another tool for me is to see that I suffer. To acknowledge me in there somewhere in the hurt and confusion of all of this. Once I could know that concept, once I could name what that was in the core of me, I could set out to learn how to do that. How would it be possible to suffer and have that just be a part of myself? The quickest and most certain way I found worked for me was to google images of the Mary. Her son was also in danger and she knew it for so long a time and there was no way she could change or prevent what was coming or help her child, either. And I know that sounds a little too out there, but if you google those images and see the Mary's eyes, you may find too, as I did, a way to accept what is in a strong, solid way.

That helped me.

Leonard Cohen's "Halleluiah", as kd lang sings it. That helps me define it and find a place to stand up from. I will post it here for you, too.

Cedar

 

[struggling mom]

Thanks Cedar, I will try the tips you offered. When I look into the eyes of some of the animals I work with, I see the true love and that my heart is still alive.....sometimes I wonder when I have hurt so long....you people here also give me faith and hope because so many of you have been through this. I especially like the tool box and have used similar techniques in therapy. That is a great one, thanks again